4 Ways Gone Girl Made Me Crazy

GoneGirl

By Jordan Elizabeth. With Valentine's Day imminent, I should probably be filled with romantic thoughts. But Gone Girl came out on DVD a couple weeks ago and I'm lost in a destructive-love haze and all I can think about it is: what if I faked my own death."

I read the book Gone Girl years ago, and was pumped when they were going to make it into a movie. I went with my fiance, which was a poor choice. It's not the best date movie. At one point he turned to me and said “please don’t frame me for your fake murder when I don’t load the dishwasher correctly.” I am now reading the book again. And watched the movie again last night. Maybe I’ve just been immersed in the incredibly anti-Nicholas Sparks story for too long, but I feel like Gone Girl is making me crazy because now:

*This post includes spoilers for Gone Girl. You've been warned...

  1. Faking your own murder seems like a plausible reaction to anything. Listen, every relationship has its moments. The last time I watched the film, I was kind of annoyed with my fiance, because he asked me to iron a dress shirt he needed last minute, and then I noticed a picture frame had gotten knocked down and he just left it, broken, on the floor. Obviously I assumed he knocked it down, looked at the broken frame, thought “she’ll get it later,” then played PS4 all night. But then I watched Amy Dunne fake her own death, leave clues to frame him for the crime, then ran away because she was so annoyed with her husband. I don't know, it felt like it could be a a plausible solution to my problem. Whoa, hold up. Ok, I just think any time a movie makes you think that turning your life into an episode of “I Almost Got Away With It,” you may need to take a deep breath and take five. But I'm still mad that he never loads the dishwasher and I just don't think that should be rewarded with special sex on Valentine's Day.
  2. It makes misfortune look kind of nice. When Nick and Amy lost their jobs and had to move to Missouri to take care of his mom, they moved into a really sweet house. In the book, they describe it as a "McMansion," which I guess is supposed to be an insult, but I thought it was pretty awesome. It was huge, brand new, with an amazing kitchen and a fireplace. The idea that they lost their jobs and couldn’t afford a NYC apartment but got a McMansion left me wishing something horrible would happen so that I’d have to move to the midwest and live in luxury. I'm just saying, some people find NYC romantic, but I think a washer and dryer in your house is true love. That's the only gift I want this year.
  3. I realized I was really bad at giving gifts. Every year for their anniversary, Amy would send Nick on an elaborate scavenger hunt with clues about things they did that year. I mean...that takes a lot of thought and effort. I can’t even remember what I got my guy for our anniversary. Did I even get him a gift? Probably not. I know I didn't get him anything for the last three Valentine's Days, that's for sure. So it made me wonder: why haven’t I done a scavenger hunt for him? And more importantly, why hasn’t someone ever done that for me?
  4. We all do crazy things in the name of love. Amy was really smart and it made me sad that she didn’t reach her potential. This woman had a psychology degree, masterminded a fake murder-framing, then found a way to come back and fool the cops into thinking it was a kidnapping even though it make NO sense? She could have been the President, the Head of the CIA, or at least some real-life Olivia Pope. But like she says, she did this all for love. Hey gang, Nick and Amy are back together!

First, let's get something straight - this is not a normal relationship, nor should it be. That being said, in order to properly process Gone Girl, you need to be in a healthy, level-headed frame of mind. And if you’re not, and think masterminding a murder disappearance seems pretty simple and like a good idea - remember that’s NOT an appropriate response.

You also probably shouldn't try to discuss this movie/book with your significant other because chances are if you did see this together, they may be avoiding all eye contact with you but - bonus - you might notice the bathroom is cleaner that it's ever been...fear is a great motivator after all. But, in the name of love, assure them you have no plans to frame them for murder, quick go buy chocolates or lingerie or booze or whatever will smooth things over and wish your significant other a Happy Valentine's Day. Ok that's all. You have my two cents, don't say no one told you.