Things No One Tells You About Being An Adult

Adulthood

By Jordan Elizabeth. Even though I’m flirting hard with 30, inside I still feel 15. My peers seem older than me, even when they’re younger. I just keep waiting to feel like I’m 30, like I know what the hell I’m doing. It’s not that I’m (that) immature or don’t have my life together, because I do. Maybe you never really feel old until your body starts to give out and someone is changing your diapers again. Although then you probably feel really young, like a Benjamin Button baby. Regardless of how getting your diaper changed makes you feel, I think part of not feeling grown up is that I’m still realizing that there are so many things being a self-sufficient adult entails that no one told me about. It’s just stuff you learn, usually the hard way, and it makes you cry and wish you were actually 15 again and that your mom would make you a PB & J sandwich with the crusts cut off while you watch Saved by the Bell. Here are some of the things I’ve learned about adulthood:

  1. Duvert Covers Are a Two-Person Operation. You graduate college and with that, you graduate from the “bed in the box” sheet and comforter set from Bed Bath & Beyond. You get duvet covers because they are classier and grown ups don’t buy low thread-count bedding. All is well and good until you have to wash the duvet cover, then...how the f*** do I get this thing back on!? For a while, I just refused to wash my duvet cover because the whole charade was just too much work to do alone. Now that I’ve tricked someone into sharing their life with me, I am more excited I have someone to share duvet cover duties with me. It really does take one person to insert the comforter into the duvet cover, then hold the top corners with your hands, and then bite the middle to hold it in place while the other person shimmies the duvet cover down and lines up the bottom. I’m not saying don’t get a duvet cover, because it really is classier and you have more options for designs. I’m just saying don’t buy one until you have a trusty roommate or live-in boyfriend.
  1. Laundromats Aren’t “A Cool Place To Meet Hot Guys.” They’re actually the worst place invented. Anyone who lives in a major city knows what I’m talking about, and if you have a washer/dryer in your apartment (or even worse, house), then don’t talk to me.If you’ve seen any 1990s/early 2000s music video, they like to make you think laundromats are full of hip-singles looking to cruise. This is not so. Laundromats are full of people, usually over the age of 40, wearing the bottom-of-the-barrel outfit reserved for the day you literally have nothing else to wear, who are in a bad mood. There is the occasional young single, but they are free-balling in gross mesh gym shorts and a shirt with pit stains, scowling into last year’s US Weekly the proprietors so kindly left out. No one is getting asked out here.
  1. Rugs Are Super Expensive. Rugs are also something you gain appreciation for post-college. They are easy on the feet, and can really pull a room together and make it pop. I was expecting to nab one for $50 tops and have it last me for years. Not the case. Did you know that even at IKEA and Target, a 5’ x 7’ rug is at least $70? I thought this was nuts.  Even worse? It costs $50 to clean them, so it’s not even worth cleaning it. I paid $100 for a cheap-looking rug at Target, and 6 months later, it was filthy. I don’t know if this is smart or ridiculous, but I just buy a new one every year. It’s like annual redecorating. 
  1. You Have To Insure Everything. When I moved into my first apartment post-college, my mom told me I had to sign up for renter’s insurance. Umm, what? I didn’t know that was a thing. Then I had to get health, dental, and pet insurance? I work freelance in TV, and not every job gives you insurance, in which case, I was paying nearly $500 out of pocket in case I got hit by a cab. And after adding up how much I was spending per month to insure me and my dogs, I wished I got hit by a car just to get my money’s worth. And then I actually did have to go to the hospital and I still got bills for several hundred dollars to pay for what my insurance didn’t. I don’t get the specifics of the whole health-care argument. All I know is it’s expensive and maybe I should move to Canada.

Maybe it’s just my Youngest-Child-Syndrome talking, but I think the most frustrating part of adulthood is learning to do everything by yourself. It’s not that it’s all too hard (I’m not THAT big of a baby, I only cried once at the laundromat), but figuring out how to do all these things you never even thought you had to do can be overwhelming. But lucky for you, everyone has learned, or is learning the same lessons, so don’t be afraid to use red wine to bribe your friends into coming over and making them help you put on the duvet cover. Just do that before you open the wine, because not only is a two-person job, but you really need your wits about you to do it right.