Today’s post on the ins and outs of parenting parents and avoiding mistakes so that you have the best relationship with your grands, was written by parenting blogger, Kristin Herman. Enjoy, darling!

In a world where family connections seem to fray more easily than ever, the heartbreaking reality of estrangement between adult children and their parents is becoming more common. Grandparents often find themselves caught in the middle, eager to connect with their grandchildren but unsure of the best way to navigate the ever-changing dynamics.

The good news is that strong, healthy grandparent-grandchild relationships are absolutely possible. The key lies in avoiding some common mistakes that can unintentionally create tension and distance. Here are 6 things every grandparent should keep in mind to ensure a fulfilling connection with their grandkids, without stepping on any toes:

1. Respect the Rules and Parents’ Wishes, Not Just the Roof

Every family has its own set of rules, from bedtime routines to screen time limits. While unsolicited advice might come from a place of love, constantly suggesting “better” ways to raise the little ones can create friction with your adult children. Differing parenting beliefs and styles can lead to misunderstandings, especially when the way parents choose to raise their children matches their own values and not traditional methods. Remember, they’re the parents now, and their rules are what keep the household running smoothly. Put yourself in their shoes and remember how much you loved it when your parents would suggest how you should handle certain situations — not that much!

It’s also important to respect the household rules set by the child’s parents to maintain healthy relationships. Licensed marriage and family therapists often emphasize the importance of respecting parents’ rules to maintain harmony. Recognizing and respecting the parents’ own belief system is crucial in ensuring trust and preventing conflicts within the family dynamics. The complexities and challenges of how you parented versus how your children choose to parent can be significant, so open communication is key. Understanding and respecting the children’s belief system is also essential to prevent misunderstandings and promote harmony.

However, that doesn’t mean your experience is irrelevant! Offer advice next time it’s sought after, and focus on being a supportive presence. Your adult child will appreciate the respect for their boundaries, and your grandkids will benefit from having a loving grandparent in their corner. Licensed counselors suggest that clear communication about household rules can prevent misunderstandings and foster trust. Communication is essential to ensure mutual understanding and respect for differing values within the children’s belief system.

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2. Skip the Surprise Pop-Ins

The arrival of a new baby throws everything into a whirlwind for new parents. While you’re probably bursting with excitement and can’t wait to meet your grandchild, resist the urge to show up unannounced. A quick phone call to check in and schedule a visit at a convenient time shows respect for their new routine and the tightly packed parents schedules, ensuring a more enjoyable experience for everyone. Convenience should not take priority over respecting the family’s routine. When welcoming a new grandchild, it’s crucial to establish boundaries and bond early to develop a strong relationship.

Understanding the ongoing commitments of new parents can help in planning visits that are convenient for everyone.

Remember, those first few weeks can be a blur for new parents. Your offer to help is likely music to their ears, but a little planning goes a long way. This way, you can be there to lend a hand when they truly need it, without adding to the chaos. New grandparents often face the challenge of adapting to modern parenting practices and should focus on providing gentle support rather than unsolicited advice.

This rule should continue on beyond the days of new parent/grandparenthood. While it is tempting to scoop our grands up for an impromptu outing, we really should respect their parents and always keep them in the loop and plan ahead. Parents often have their own lives filled with work and commitments, which can limit their availability for visits. Everyone wins!

See this list for some fun ways to entertain your grandchild on a rainy day, and here are some unexpected things to do out of doors with your grandchildren (of all ages!)

3. It’s Okay to Say No to Adult Children

There’s no doubt that being a grandparent comes with its perks. You get to experience the joy of seeing your little ones grow up all over again, but without the sleepless nights and diaper duty. However, it’s important to be honest about your own limitations. Financial contributions towards a child’s preschool tuition can create complications if not communicated clearly with the parents. Don’t feel pressured to agree to babysitting every weekend if it’s more than you can handle. Additionally, available financial resources can influence the frequency and type of involvement you have with your grandchildren. Maintaining financial security is important, and it’s okay to set boundaries to ensure you don’t overextend yourself.

Setting boundaries early on is crucial. Talk openly with your adult child about the kind of grandparent role you envision for yourself. Maybe you’d prefer weekly outings or a set number of nights a month. The cost of child care can take a significant portion of families’ earnings, so while grandparents may want to contribute, it’s essential to communicate expectations to avoid misunderstandings. When providing child care regularly, it’s essential to establish a clear schedule and communicate your availability to avoid misunderstandings. By being upfront about your availability and respecting their busy schedules, you avoid resentment down the line and ensure a more sustainable, enjoyable relationship with your grandkids.

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4. Discipline Doesn’t Have to Disappear

Grandparents often have a reputation for being the “fun” ones who spoil their grandkids rotten. While the occasional indulgence is perfectly fine, becoming the “soft touch” on discipline can create problems for both you and your adult child. It is crucial to maintain respect in relationships between grandparents and parents, especially when disagreements arise regarding parenting styles. Mistakes grandparents make often stem from not aligning with the parents’ discipline methods. Additionally, the challenges of parents making perceived mistakes in their parenting styles can lead to judgment and conflict.

Open communication is essential to avoid conflicts and misunderstandings regarding child-rearing practices, particularly when addressing potential mistakes parents might make. Respecting the way parents are making decisions about discipline can prevent conflicts and misunderstandings. It is also important to raise concerns respectfully to avoid creating tension and to foster understanding of varying perspectives on parenting.

If your grandchild throws a tantrum, resist the urge to cave in and give them exactly what they want. Work together with your adult child to establish clear expectations for behavior, respecting the parents’ parenting style. Be consistent in enforcing these expectations when you’re together. In the long run, your grandchild will learn valuable lessons and appreciate your love and firmness in equal measure.

5. Respect the Non-Negotiables

Let’s face it, a little extra sugar or a bedtime story that stretches past the usual limit probably won’t cause a family feud. But some rules, like screen time limits or safety precautions, are a definite no. Ignoring these non-negotiable rules can lead to hard feelings and conflicts. Additionally, considered typical grandparent behavior, such as giving gifts, can sometimes lead to tension with parents over what is deemed appropriate.

Before you head over for a visit, check in with your adult child about any specific rules they’d like you to be aware of. Respecting boundaries by following these guidelines shows respect for their parenting style and helps create a sense of consistency for your grandchild. Remember, everyone benefits when the rules are clear and everyone’s on the same page. Ensuring that both parents agree on the rules helps maintain consistency and trust. Respecting parental boundaries is crucial to fostering positive relationships that allow grandparents to be involved in their grandchildren’s lives.

Parents should recognize their own responsibilities and commitments, suggesting that grandparents should understand and respect these dynamics, particularly when it comes to scheduling family interactions. This primary loyalty to their immediate family ensures that everyone’s needs are met and respected.

6. Questions are Welcome (and Expected!)

Being a grandparent is a learning experience, even if you’ve raised children of your own. Things have changed a lot, and navigating the new world of parenting can be confusing at times. Acknowledging a person’s feelings is crucial in maintaining respectful relationships. Don’t be afraid to ask questions! Licensed counselors provide valuable advice on maintaining clear communication and understanding expectations. Acknowledging the other person’s feelings is crucial in maintaining a respectful and understanding relationship.

If you’re unsure about something, open communication with your adult child is key. They’d much rather you check in with them first than make an assumption that could potentially lead to a misunderstanding. By being open and honest, you show respect for their choices and ensure a stronger, more trusting relationship with both your child and your grandchild. This open communication helps adult children feel respected and understood, which is crucial for recognizing and validating the other person’s feelings.

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7. Effective Communication and Expectations

Effective communication is the cornerstone of any strong relationship, and this holds true for the bond between grandparents and their adult children. Clear communication helps avoid misunderstandings and sets healthy expectations for both parties, ensuring that everyone is on the same page. Effective communication helps minimize conflict and ensures that everyone is on the same page. To prevent future issues, perhaps a plan should be proposed to address any potential misunderstandings or mistakes.

Start by having an open conversation with your adult children about your role as a grandparent. Discuss your availability for providing child care, your thoughts on gift giving, and any household rules you might need to follow. This proactive approach can prevent potential conflicts and misunderstandings down the line. Licensed counselors often provide expert insights on managing these expectations and the importance of clear communication to avoid misunderstandings.

Respecting your adult children’s parenting style and decisions is crucial, even if they differ from your own. Remember, they are the primary caregivers, and their rules and routines are designed to fit their family’s unique needs. By communicating effectively and respecting their choices, you build trust and strengthen your relationship with them.

For instance, if you love giving gifts, make sure to discuss your ideas with the parents first. This ensures that your gifts are appropriate and align with the parents’ values and wishes. Similarly, when it comes to child care, understanding and respecting the parents’ schedules and routines can make a significant difference.

By fostering open communication and setting clear expectations, you create a supportive and harmonious environment that benefits everyone involved. This approach not only helps in building strong relationships but also ensures that your role as a grandparent is both valued and respected.

Understanding the importance of clear communication to avoid misunderstandings and set healthy expectations.

7. Respecting Parents’ Schedules

Respecting parents’ schedules is essential for maintaining healthy relationships with both the parents and the grandchild. Dropping by unannounced might seem like a small gesture, but it can disrupt the tightly packed schedules of busy parents and create unnecessary tension. Avoiding situations where convenience takes priority over respecting the family’s routine is essential. Instead, make it a habit to communicate with the parents to schedule visits and activities that work for everyone, and emphasize the importance of communicating expectations when it comes to gift giving and child care.

Consider setting a regular schedule for providing child care or planning activities that fit within the parents’ busy lives. This not only shows that you value and prioritize the family unit but also helps in creating a predictable routine that everyone can rely on. By respecting the parents’ schedules, you demonstrate your understanding and support for their daily challenges, fostering a more harmonious and healthy relationship.

How individuals handle conflicts and make amends can significantly influence the relationship moving forward, affecting the future dynamics with both children and parents.

8. Coexisting with Other Grandparents

In many families, there are multiple sets of grandparents, which can sometimes lead to conflicts or competition. It’s important to strive for peaceful coexistence with other grandparents, avoiding behaviors that might be perceived as competitive or undermining. Avoiding typical grandparent behavior that might be perceived as competitive can help maintain harmony. Open communication is key—share information and ideas, and find ways to work together to support your grandchild.

Child care providers, such as grandparents, should coordinate their availability and expectations with parents to avoid misunderstandings and resentment. By coexisting harmoniously, you create a more positive and supportive environment for your grandchild. Be mindful of your own feelings and boundaries, and take care not to let conflicts with other grandparents affect your relationship with your grandchild. Remember, the goal is to provide a loving and united front that benefits the grandchild’s well-being.

Respecting boundaries and engaging in open discussions about expectations can significantly contribute to ensuring grandparents maintain a positive relationship with both their adult children and grandchildren.

9. Bonding with Your Grandchild

Bonding with your grandchild is a crucial aspect of building a strong and meaningful relationship. Engage in activities and hobbies that you both enjoy, whether it’s playing games, reading books, or going on outings. Make an effort to listen to your grandchild, validate their feelings, and show genuine interest in their life. Demonstrating support and acknowledging mistakes can enhance a grandparent’s role, ultimately positioning them as a beloved and trusted grandmother or grandfather. The joy compared to parenting is often highlighted by the festive and less stressful aspects of being a grandparent.

Understanding your grandchild’s interests, such as their favorite video game, can help foster meaningful conversations and connections. As a grandparent, you can also enjoy the benefits of uninterrupted sleep, contrasting with the sleep deprivation often experienced during active parenting.

By doing so, you create a sense of trust and connection that can last a lifetime. Be patient and flexible, recognizing that bonding is a process that takes time and effort. Your consistent presence and support will help nourish a deep and lasting relationship with your grandchild. Open communication is essential in in-law relationships to prevent misunderstandings, particularly in sensitive situations like divorce.

10. Giving Gifts Parents Approve

Gift giving is a common way for grandparents to show their love and affection for their grandchild. However, it’s important to always check with the parents before giving gifts to ensure they are appropriate and align with the parents’ values and wishes. Complications from gift giving frequently arise when gifts are not approved by the child’s parents. Discuss gift ideas with the parents, seek their input and approval, and avoid gifts that might be seen as extravagant or excessive. Involving children in gift selections at a gift shop can also respect parental boundaries and make the process enjoyable for everyone.

Understanding a grandchild’s interests, including specific hobbies like video games, can also foster meaningful conversations and stronger connections.

By giving gifts that parents approve, you show that you respect their authority and are committed to supporting their values and decisions. Clear communication with the child’s parents about gift ideas can prevent misunderstandings and ensure that gifts are appropriate. Be mindful of the potential impact of gifts on the grandchild’s behavior and values, and avoid gifts that might promote unhealthy habits or attitudes. This thoughtful approach to gift giving helps maintain harmony and reinforces your role as a supportive and respectful grandparent. Effective communication and respect for parenting rules are crucial in maintaining a healthy relationship, which minimizes conflicts and fosters trust while allowing grandparents to participate meaningfully in their grandchildren’s lives. Clear communication is especially important when grandparents shower grandchildren with gifts, as it ensures that gift-giving aligns with family expectations and values.

11. Building a Positive Relationship

Building a positive relationship with your grandchild is crucial for their emotional and psychological development. As a grandparent, it’s essential to create a nurturing environment that fosters trust, respect, and open communication. Here are some tips to help you build a positive relationship with your grandchild:

1. Respect Boundaries: Respect your grandchild’s boundaries and personal space. Avoid being overly critical or judgmental, as this can create a negative atmosphere and make your grandchild feel uncomfortable. Remember, respecting boundaries is key to maintaining a healthy relationship with both the parents and the grandchild.
2. Avoid Criticism: Refrain from criticizing your grandchild’s parents or their parenting style. This can create tension and conflict, and may make your grandchild feel like they’re caught in the middle. Instead, focus on being a supportive and understanding presence in their lives. Avoid initiating negative comments about the child’s parents to maintain a harmonious family environment.
3. Communicate Effectively: Communicate openly and honestly with your grandchild, and listen to their thoughts and feelings. Encourage them to express themselves and validate their emotions. Effective communication helps in building trust and understanding, which are essential for a strong relationship. Additionally, maintaining respect for your child’s spouse is crucial to avoid conflicts and foster a positive family dynamic.
4. Show Interest: Show genuine interest in your grandchild’s life, interests, and hobbies. This can help create a sense of connection and shared understanding. Whether it’s attending their soccer games or discussing their favorite books, your involvement means the world to them.
5. Be Supportive: Be supportive of your grandchild’s goals, aspirations, and dreams. Offer guidance and encouragement, but also respect their autonomy and decision-making. Your support can boost their confidence and help them feel valued.
6. Respect Parents’ Wishes: Respect your grandchild’s parents’ wishes and decisions, even if you don’t agree with them. This can help maintain a positive relationship with your grandchild and avoid conflict. Remember, the parents are the primary caregivers, and their rules and routines are designed to fit their family’s unique needs.
7. Maintain Respect: Maintain respect for your grandchild’s individuality and unique personality. Avoid comparing them to others or trying to mold them into someone they’re not. Celebrate their uniqueness and encourage them to be themselves.
8. Foster a Sense of Belonging: Foster a sense of belonging and connection with your grandchild by sharing family traditions, stories, and values. This helps them feel connected to their heritage and strengthens family bonds.
9. Be Patient: Be patient and understanding when dealing with your grandchild’s mistakes or misbehaviors. Avoid being overly critical or punitive, as this can create negative associations and damage your relationship. Instead, use these moments as opportunities for teaching and growth.
10. Show Love and Affection: Show your grandchild love and affection in ways that feel comfortable and natural to them. This can help create a sense of security and attachment. Whether it’s through hugs, kind words, or spending quality time together, your love is a powerful force in their lives.

By following these tips, you can build a positive and nurturing relationship with your grandchild that will last a lifetime. Remember to always prioritize respect, communication, and empathy, and to avoid criticism, judgment, and conflict. This approach not only strengthens your bond with your grandchild but also supports a harmonious family environment.

Fostering a nurturing environment by respecting boundaries and avoiding criticism.

12. Learning from Mistakes and Moving Forward

Let’s face it, no one is perfect, and making mistakes is an inevitable part of the grandparenting journey. However, these missteps can be valuable learning opportunities that help you grow and improve as a grandparent. Acknowledging all the mistakes made can help in repairing relationships and rebuilding trust. Experts often highlight a few missteps that grandparents commonly make, such as overstepping boundaries or not respecting the parents’ rules, and provide valuable advice on how to avoid these pitfalls to foster stronger family connections.

When you make a mistake, the first step is to acknowledge it and apologize. This simple act can go a long way in repairing relationships and rebuilding trust with your adult children. It shows that you respect their feelings and are committed to maintaining a healthy relationship. Even grandparents need to make amends to maintain strong relationships with their grandchildren and adult children. Coexisting harmoniously with other grandparents is also crucial, as it ensures a united and supportive environment for the grandchildren.

Reflecting on your mistakes is equally important. Take some time to think about what went wrong and how you can prevent similar situations in the future. This self-awareness can help you become a more effective and supportive grandparent.

For example, if you overstepped a boundary by giving an extravagant gift without consulting the parents, use this experience to understand the importance of discussing gift ideas beforehand. By learning from this mistake, you can avoid similar issues in the future and ensure that your actions are always in line with the parents’ wishes.

Moving forward, focus on nurturing strong relationships with your adult children and grandchildren. Embrace the opportunity to learn from your past experiences and use them to create a positive and lasting impact on your family’s lives. By doing so, you not only become a better grandparent but also contribute to a loving and supportive family environment.

Remember, the goal is to create a harmonious and respectful relationship where everyone feels valued and appreciated. By learning from your mistakes and continuously striving to improve, you can build a strong, lasting bond with your grandchildren and their parents.

Embracing the opportunity to learn from past experiences to improve relationships.

13. Grandparents Forget and Learn from Experiences

Mistakes are a natural part of life, and even the most well-intentioned grandparents can sometimes stumble. What truly matters is how we respond to these missteps. Acknowledging that mistakes happen and using them as learning opportunities can significantly strengthen family bonds.

Acknowledging that mistakes happen and using them as learning opportunities to strengthen family bonds.

So What Can You Do to Nourish Strong Relationships With Your Grands?

While this may seem like a list of don’ts, I also want to touch on the dos. You are the keeper of your story and your families traditions. Impress upon your child the importance of continuing these traditions, as I’m sure you did as they were growing up. Every chance you get, pass these stories on to your grandchildren, showing them how special it is to be a part of your family. Respecting the parenting styles of your now grown children is crucial for maintaining harmony. Enjoy the celebratory aspects of being a grandparent during festive occasions, which allow you to create joyful memories without the significant responsibilities of parenting.

And always, always, always show them they are loved by you, even when you may not always agree with their parents. I hope this goes without saying, if you do disagree, be sure to keep that private from your grandchild. That’s between you and their parent, it’s not about sides. Avoiding initiating negative comments about their parenting can prevent conflicts and foster a supportive environment. Using cell phones for text messaging can be particularly effective for maintaining meaningful connections with older grandchildren, allowing for personalized interactions.

By following these tips and fostering open communication, you can avoid common pitfalls and build a strong, lasting bond with your grandchildren. Remember, the goal is to create a loving, supportive environment where everyone feels respected and appreciated. Often, grandparents forget how busy parents’ schedules can be, filled with work and commitments. Being considerate of their routines can help in scheduling visits and ensuring quality time over quantity.

When it comes to financial gifts, it’s important to be mindful of the potential tensions between grandparents and parents regarding the appropriateness and usage of these gifts. Clear communication and agreed-upon expectations can prevent misunderstandings.

Additionally, choosing an appropriate gift is crucial. Aligning with the parents’ expectations can avoid potential tension and complications, ensuring that gifts are welcomed and suitable.

You can be a source of joy, wisdom, and unconditional love in your grandchildren’s lives, all while maintaining a healthy and supportive relationship with your adult child. So, cherish the precious time you have with your grandkids, offer your love and support freely, and enjoy the incredible journey of grandparenthood!

What advice do you give first time or fellow grandparents? Let us know in the comments at the bottom of this page! 

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Kristin Herman is an experienced tech enthusiast and a project manager. She regularly writes parenting articles for a wide variety of online magazines and blogs. When not writing, Kristin enjoys spending time with her family and organizing family day trips.