Ask Honey – Advice For Women Over 50+

March 12, 2020

Donna Asks:

Dear Honey,

Honey, you have such a way with words. I love reading all your musings. My grandmother, mother, and aunts have sent written letters. It’s my entire life. I have carried on the tradition, but not with the eloquent wording they, and you, so carefully chose. I always seem at a loss for words. I spend a lot of time choosing cards to express my feelings and then include short notes. Do you have any book recommendations, website or any suggestions in helping with this?

Thanks for sharing your gifts and insights!

Fondly,

Donna

Dear Donna, 

My first thought after I read your note is that you are a very loving, sensitive and thoughtful woman who cares deeply about carrying on your family’s traditions and the importance of expressing your feelings to those you love and care for.

I don’t think you need a website or books to give you lessons. I think you should consider buying yourself a beautiful journal and begin telling your family stories that you want to leave in the heads of your children, grandchildren, husband (if you are married) and friends.

When I began writing I was not a student of the written word. To this day I have not studied websites, read books or taken any writing courses. Instead, five years ago I sat down at my computer using Word and started writing my thoughts down… from my heart. Period.

Please try journaling. If you still feel at a loss, call on me and I will send you websites to study and books to read.

Keep me posted!

Warmly,

Honey

 

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Anna-Marie Asks:

Dear Honey,

For almost a week I have been bewildered by the bullying I experienced from a friend (or so I’d thought) and a ‘new’ friend of hers. It started as a junior high hormone bomb when they noticed a good looking young man come into the pub we were in. Totally uncalled for, they literally shoved me out of the way. I wasn’t IN THEIR WAY. When the ‘new girl’ picked up my scarf and threw it some feet away with a gleeful look, I wanted to slap her, but picked up my scarf, faced her directly and said, “Keep your hands off my belongings.”

At that point, the young man quietly asked if he was sitting on my barstool. You could almost see the steam coming from the ‘ladies’ ears. Disappointed, upset – I paid my bill and left smiling. Still, it’s upsetting.

Thank you.

Anna-Marie

Dear Anna-Marie,

Read this quote and smile: “Bullies throw stones at fruit-bearing trees.” If you care about this friendship I would invite her to coffee or lunch and in a non-threatening manner ask her what caused her to have a sudden personality shift in behavior. On the other hand, if you have decided to back away from the friendship say nothing. Your heart knows the course you want to take. Follow it.

Female friendships are one of the greater comforts and the greatest weapons, writes Rachel Simon, author of The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence. She says, “What is one of the greatest causes of bullying? The Bully is jealous.” 

Cheryl Dellasega, author of Mean Girls Grow Up and a women’s study professor at Penn State writes, “The adult aggressor even gets a little more polished and subtle as they grow older.” Their goal is power over you.

We all have unexpected disappointments from women friends. It is part of life. We move on from our disappointments a bit wiser and more in touch to our needs.

Warmly,

Honey

 

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Anonymous Asks:

Can you speak on how to deal with daughter-in-law’s that ignore you when you visit, even when you have taken the high road? The grands are young but will soon catch-up. Do you ever confront them directly?

Friendship,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

The mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship can be very difficult. To be a successful and kind-hearted mother-in-law to a daughter-in-law who ignores you is a challenge. I suggest continuing to take the high road for the sake of your son and grands.

You are older and wiser and certainly don’t want your son and your grandchildren to witness unpleasant behavior between you and your daughter-in-law. I have no idea why she ignores you so it is difficult for me to offer suggestions but I do think you should have a talk in a neutral place like a Starbucks. Remembering she is a young girl so tread gently and validate her feelings whatever they are. Your goal is to end the conversation on a positive note.

Warmly,

Honey

 

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N Asks:

Dear Honey,

First of all, I love your musings, especially fashion and relationships. I have a very close set of women friends, we have been thru years of happy times and truly tragic life events. It struck me today, that my opinion doesn’t seem to matter. If I make a statement about something, in this instance, I bemoaning daylight savings, I like cold, overcast days. I was brought to task about how could I not love the extra daylight time etc. I do, I just made a statement. If I make any kind of comment, one of these women come up with a ‘better’ story or imply that whatever I feel is inferior to their ideas. Am I being too sensitive?

These ladies are truly wonderful people, I’d never mention my feeling to them because they are sensitive, it’s their way or no way. Anyway, thank you for helping me get this off my chest. I know it is what it is.

Thank you, 

N

Dear N,

It seems like your friendships with these ‘sensitive’ women friends who are so wonderful in good times and tragic times, but cut you off when you express your feelings, is very complex. It seems to me there is some competition going on. Any woman who can come up with a ‘better story’ than yours is usually the inferior one.

So, please don’t feel inferior or sensitive and keep throwing out your thoughts! You and your thoughts count and you are entitled to your feelings. Females are complex! There is drama and trauma amongst women that can be more complex than a love affair. I am smiling. I hope you are, too.

Warmly,

Honey

 

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Anonymous Asks:

Hi Honey,

I’m writing for advice. I have always been a very active person and loved my career as an educator. I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma 5 years ago, had to retire and several friends have moved away. I need to be careful out and about because I have a very compromised immune system. So, I find myself lonely and bored with no purpose in life. I walk every day, do yoga, read a lot and have a few friends still near me but find myself getting depressed. I do try to meditate and I am very grateful for the blessings in my life but can’t get beyond this funk. Any suggestions? (71-years-young)

Dear Anonymous,

Once an educator, always an educator. Yes, you need to find your purpose. You seem to be busy but bored, lonely and unhappy with your busyness. What could your new purpose be that would add that spark to your life? A mentor to children that need you? A tutor? Joining a group of your choice ( book, movie, wine, opera, church, food, charity, bridge) is your ticket to making new acquaintances and partaking in something you truly enjoy.

You are grateful and a young 71. Push yourself to do one of the many avenues I mentioned and see if a new window opens for you. I think it will if you choose something you love. You will be fulfilled and have a purpose and your loneliness will disappear.

Please keep in touch.

Warmly,

Honey

Do you have any questions for me? Please share them in the comments.