Have you wanted to know the truth about sex after 50? We at Honey Good shared a survey with our subscribers asking them about their sex lives. First, we will share the findings, then offer tips on how to improve your sexual experiences. Want to see where your sex life stacks up to other women over 50? Read on!
The fabulous thing about being a woman over 50 is that we know ourselves better than we ever have. What does that mean for our sex life? That it has the potential to be oh so much better. Sure, our bodies are not what they were in their prime (the prime according to the physiological goal of reproduction). But if you learn to love yourself, and view aging as what it is — powerful — you will see that just because you are beyond reproduction, does not mean that you should be beyond orgasms.
When reading the results of the survey, please allow me to be clear – this is not a competition. Sex is a very personal thing, not only the act itself being private, but also personal in the way that each of us values it in our own way. Some not at all. That is okay.
After we share the findings, we’ll get down to the nitty-gritty — how to have even better sex. If, of course, that’s what you want.
THE TRUTH ABOUT SEX AFTER 50 – THE SURVEY RESULTS
When posed the final question of the survey, “Do you have any thoughts on what might make your sexual experiences better?” our readers spilled the tea. Here are some of their responses.
Some readers shared encouraging, at times profound responses:
- “Sex is as much a mind game as a physical one. Don’t wait to start in the bedroom. Tease, be playful, and affectionate all throughout the day.”
- “It’s not about being better or worse. It’s about being present, spontaneous, connected. Pay attention to your partner’s and your own feelings.”
- “We need to plan sex so that we engage before we are too tired.”
- “Eliminate some of the frantic day to day obligations so that you have more time to concentrate on your spouse.”
- “More love/romance. It seems to be all about the act.”
- “My sex life is better – 100 times better than when I was younger.”
- “Sexual desire is like a butterfly, it’s there then it’s gone. When the feeling is there, go with it.”
- “Just wanted you to know that I am 82 and still sexually active.”
- “I am happy with my sex life. I am 68 and my husband is 70. We both enjoy good sex and are satisfied.”
- “The quality of sex is better – and the satisfaction is fantastic, but the interactions are less frequent.”
While others have had not-so-positive experiences:
- “We haven’t had sex in 5 years, largely because of his low testosterone and ED which he won’t get treated for. I’ve learned to live without it.
- “I wish my husband had a better understanding of what it takes to have good sex.”
- “ED has been a problem w/our sex. Even w/the pill.”
- “I haven’t had sex for years. I yearn for it all the time: not having anyone to touch me is horrible. Being married I grew to HATE sex: it was never satisfying or fulfilling.”
Some are no longer having sex — and totally okay with it:
- “We are both 80 years old. Can’t turn back the clock. We sit under a blanket to watch tv. We call it our “love blanket”…… we are happy!”
HOW TO IMPROVE SEX AFTER 50
SELF-LOVE
When I say self-love, I’m not (necessarily) speaking of masturbation. Though it is perfectly wonderful and healthy. When speaking frankly on the truth about sex after 50, first things first, you must love yourself. Your body, where you are in life. If you don’t love yourself, it can be difficult to feel sexy or sexual with a partner.
One Honey Good reader said, “I’ve learned to stop being self-conscious during sex and just try to relax and enjoy. It makes for a much more satisfying experience for both of us.”
Having trouble finding ways to love yourself? Here are some ideas:
- Journaling
- Meditation
- Positive self-talk
- Affirmations
Though on the topic of masturbation, one reader said, “For those of us not in a relationship, “flying solo” is the way to maintain your sexuality. I schedule a weekly session, using vibrators. It is not the same as having sex with my husband ( I am widowed) but it does the job. Having orgasms is an important part of our health routine (helps with your heart health and immune system).”
COMMUNICATION
Communication is the number one way to improve your sexual experiences, even if they are a solo endeavor! You must know yourself and be honest with yourself about what you enjoy and what you don’t like. You must open the lines of communication with your partner, and they with you.
Some things to consider:
- Read a book on relationships and sex with your partner
- Start small if you’re uncomfortable
- Be a good listener
TRY NEW THINGS
When it comes to the truth about sex after 50, one thing is true in general – we are comfortable enough with ourselves to try new things. This doesn’t necessarily mean getting kinky, but hey, no one is stopping you. It could be as simple as moving your lovemaking into a different room.
Some things to consider:
- Read a book on sex (101 Nights of Great Sex)
- Read erotic literature aloud to each other
- Set the mood – light candles, play music
- Take a bath together
- Check into a hotel room in town (or out) and make a night of it
- Explore using vibrators or other tools
- Consider different erogenous zones
- Get a couples massage
- Give your partner a massage
- Learn more about your body through exploratory masturbation
A tip from a reader: “Using DAME products to at least get invigorated again. And reading erotic literature!”
HAVE THE RIGHT TOOLS
The unfortunate fact is that sex, for many, can change in unexpected and sometimes painful ways. Many women report sex being painful after menopause. One reader responded, “Unfortunately, since menopause, it became extremely painful to have intercourse which has drastically affected our sex life.”
What can help? First of all, speak to your doctor as there are many avenues of support and help. Know that you are not alone.
Vaginal dryness can be one of the biggest obstacles to great sex. Take your time, and focus on foreplay as much, if not more, than the act itself. In the words of a Honey Good reader: “Increasing lubrication would make actual penetration better. It’s about quality time and touches.”
For more information, read this post on Aging, Sex, and Sexuality: Myths Debunked.
Some things to consider:
- The right lubrication
- Hormone therapy
- ED medication
Another reader said, “I have recently gotten bio-identical hormone pellets and they are life-changing!”
No matter where you are in a relationship, once you know the truth about sex after 50, you can work towards improving your experience. Take the time to learn about yourself and your partner. You are worth it. And if you are partner-free, you can still have satisfying experiences. There’s no saying you can’t “set the mood” for sex with yourself. You are special and you deserve special moments and to feel love – even if you are the one loving yourself.
We are all at our own place in this journey, if you are true to yourself, you can do no wrong.
If you did not get a chance to fill out our survey, please share your thoughts on the matter in the comments. Please note your comments may not be anonymous.
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My husband’s ED is definitely the cause of our nonexistent sex life. Because of his medications even the pill doesn’t work. I was raised Catholic and while I’m now in my seventies those lifelong teachings are difficult to ignore so self satisfying still seems wrong. We are affectionate, we touch, we hold hands, we kiss often but that’s where it ends. My husband is not a romantic, meaning no sweet words spoken out loud or whispered in my ear. He expresses his love for me in other ways – foot rubs, back massages, cooking, housecleaning, keeping my car maintained etc. We very recently celebrated our 57th wedding anniversary and, of course, have had our ups and downs, but through thick & thin we are still very much in love with each other. So, even though our sex life is gone (and I must admit that I do miss the great sex of our younger days!) maybe everything else we share in our married life is enough. Or maybe I’m just trying to convince myself of that. Lol.
P.S. I did not participate in the survey but found the results very interesting.
Your husband loves you, there is no doubt. I feel quite certain he is feeling badly about his physical situation. I am sure he would like to be able to preform. I don’t know if he expresses that to you. You know many men live in their caves. He showers you with his love in other ways that suggests it is his way of saying, I love you dearly and I am sorry. There are other ways to have a physical relationship in bed when men can no longer perform – oral sex. You can continue to have the great sex you had in your younger days! Have a conversation when he is massaging your back. I would have the conversation with my husband.If a conversation is out of the question, think about buying one of the new vibrators! I am serious. I am glad you found the survey very interesting.So, did I. Warmly, Honey
What vibrator would you recommend ?
My husband first! Trial and error, second!! I am smiling. Warmly, Honey