Can a wife continue to live a charmed life when her husband is aging and ill? The obvious answer is no. I became the wife who finds herself suddenly serving her ultimate concierge a glass of chocolate or vanilla Ensure or a smoothie (I am now the queen of smoothies!) instead of a smooth Chivas Regal. 

Many times over this past year, I tried to put my thoughts on paper. I couldn’t because I did not have a clear vision of my path. It was the first night of Hanukkah, Thursday, December 7, 2023, that I was able to place my fingers on the keyboard of my beloved Apple to tell my story in the hope that I would be of some help to others facing my situation.

Yesterday, my ultimate concierge had his second surgery in five weeks. The first surgery was a hip replacement for a broken hip. The second was to repair his aortic valve, which had been an issue for the past year. He survived both surgeries. I knew he would because he knows I need him! My husband is an amazing caretaker and if I need him, he is there.

“You start where you are to get your life where you want it to be.” — Honey Good

I knew he would because I would not think any other way. Though I will light the Hanukkah candles alone for the first time in my life, I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am celebrating because my ultimate concierge made it through the rain.

During this past year, my life went from my Zippity Do Da attitude and a grateful one to the sky has fallen. I can attest it is a sad and lonely time in a woman’s life when she wakes up to the realization that her life has changed big time. Joy is replaced with worry. Happy occasions are replaced with doctor appointments. Delicious foods are replaced with pills and Ensure. Nights out laughing with friends are a thing of the past. 

My New Philosophy on Life 

What happens to a wife’s psyche when she realizes that her normal, rich, full, meaningful, and manageable life has become overwrought with worry for her love and coupled with a new set of demands? 

My answer is that it depends on a woman’s coping mechanism. 

How does she resign herself to her new lifestyle — one of struggling to find her new role when the sparkle of everyday life is gone? 

After months of finding myself faced with new situations and months of soul searching, I have lived into my answer. This is why I am finally able to share my thoughts with you.

Here’s my new philosophy:

“You start where you are to get your life where you want it to be.”

It is not an easy journey. Remember, all men are little boys, and when illness hits, you become their mouthpiece. And, a roaring mouthpiece I became. Nothing got by me. I was Inspector Clouseau.

Self-Love and Self-Compassion

Here’s where I went wrong — I forgot to remember that I counted.

Remember, sweet reader, you count. Self-love and self-compassion are important — you must show yourself love. Self-judgment should not be overly exaggerated. It is not a selfish mission to want to take care of yourself. It is a healthy one. I failed big time and learned the hard way.

Why Self-Love Is a Must

When my ultimate concierge was wheeled into surgery for his valve replacement, I was missing in action because I was lying in bed with Covid, a 100-degree temperature, chills, a runny nose, and a cough. I was ill when my ultimate concierge needed me by his side because I did not take care of myself. All of my mental and physical energy went into his care, so I was spent. Ultimately, I caved.

As I look back on how I spent my private time, my personal time, one word comes to mind — rushing. And, having spent many years of living in Honolulu rushing is not my style. Shelly was always in the front of my mind. I rushed to pilates to rush home to Shelly. Every time I rushed to the market, I raced down the aisles. I rushed to have a manicure and pedicure, always feeling uneasy about leaving Shelly. 

At times I turned down time with friends to be home with Shelly. I rushed out to buy gifts, a joy I loved. I would forget I had a date. Anything and everything I did for myself was a rush, rush, rush. 

It was exhausting. Nothing in my life was carefree any longer. I could not sleep. Constantly, I worried about the what-ifs. I would remind myself of things I wanted to tell his doctor and then get up to make a note. My mind was always on prescriptions that needed picking up and appointments that had to be made or changed. I have now worried and rushed for almost 364 days. My ultimate concierge’s health and lifestyle were always foremost on my mind. 

As I lay in bed with Covid I have finally acknowledged that I can no longer rush. I just don’t have the strength. And, truth be told, I feel a load lifted off of me and I feel relief from pressure. Now I will take time to take a hot bath and enjoy reading a book without rushing through the pages. 

I will… 

• light my beautiful candles.
• cut my hair with my kitchen scissors with precision.
• play my mindful music.
• brush America.
• return to the joy of answering you on my private Facebook groups, Celebrate Life and Sisters in Widowhood.
• call a friend.
• remember it is important to remember myself.

 

The ‘Honey’ Must-Dos

#1.Be your husband’s advocate, his voice. 

Remember, as I stated above, our men are all little boys. They need us and deserve us. We are their Florence Nightingale.

I was my ultimate concierge’s advocate to the point that the doctors, who are older men, wanted me for a wife! They all called me at home to report!!! I am smiling. And the nurses wanted me as their mom! Nothing got past me. 

I listened to every word. I watched the machines. I never took a no for an answer from any doctor. I asked question upon question. I never left my husband’s side at his appointments. I ordered all meds. I hung on the phone for what seemed like an eternity to make appointments and slept in a chair in the hospital for six nights when my ultimate concierge had hip replacement surgery.  

My ultimate concierge needed me to be his voice, and I rose to the occasion. You must do the same, but remember, take personal time to smell the roses and respect your limits. I did neither. I learned the hard way. You can learn from my mistake.

#2 Shifting thoughts to coexist with life changes.

We are all aware there is an immediate life change when illness coupled with aging strikes. You have to learn to coexist with this life change. I am learning that every problem is solvable yet there is not always an instant answer. You will have to shift your thoughts; do not be in denial. 

I have spent hours thinking about my ultimate concierge and his medical problems. Truth be told, I have not totally lived into the answers of how to shift our life into a new passage and do it successfully. But I have ideas that I hope to turn into reality. 

My new reality will depend on my ultimate concierge’s health now that he has had the valve replacement and a hip replacement. The jury is still out.

But I do have my philosophy on life.

Is It Time for a New Philosophy on Life?

Helen Keller once said, “Life is either a dancing adventure or nothing.” If she can say that with her complications, I can say that with mine. 

I would advise every woman in my situation to find an outside avenue that lights her fire. Go back to school for a course or join a group where ‘you fit.’ Exercise even if it does not light your fire! 

In other words, continue to be involved in your personal life. Don’t shut yourself away from the world. Don’t let the illness of a spouse affect every hour of every day of your life. Build a fence around the problem. Keep it contained. And remember, you and your spouse or partner can still dance, only differently. 

I have my downtimes as I try and make sense of the ‘new now.’  I would be lying if I told you I did not wish for the past. I am sad. I am bewildered, I am scared but I am resolved and positive that I will find my footing, a new light that will make every day a gift for me and my ultimate concierge.  

I am…

Making plans that will fill our cups. You can do it. I am thinking of traveling with my ultimate concierge in a gentler manner. I am thinking about joining two groups for myself that pique my fancy. 

I visualize my thoughts and then put my ideas on paper. I do my homework and put resolve into practice. You should practice this, too. 

You cannot live into your answers overnight, but I can guarantee you will have your ah-ha moment, and the pieces of the puzzle will fit. Thinking out your thoughts takes a great amount of time. Putting your final answers into practice takes moments. 

What I’ve Learned and My Advice to You

Take care of your body to make it last a long lifetime. Eat better than you did yesterday. Take your vitamins. Wear sunblock. Be proactive about your health. Drink water – it is the fountain of youth. Put down your thoughts on paper. Have girlfriends. Play music. Take your time to dance to your own drummer.

Take risks. Never let fear stop you from living. Put your thoughts in writing.

Have multigenerational role models. I have women friends of all ages in my life. They are the only type of women I admire. Welcome women into your life with purpose, women you look up to. Repurpose those who bore you, who disappoint you, who travel on a different life path and cannot sustain you. Make a list of women to keep or to toss, and just do it.

Speak to your spiritual side. I think it is important to identify more with your inner self. It does not grow older. It grows wiser. This is a favorite rule.

Make plans. Set goals and aim for positive resolutions. 

And lastly but firstly, commit yourself to being the best version of yourself to your partner. That is a personal gift you give to yourself.  

As I close this musing, these are my thoughts: 

If it is Ensure. It will be Ensure. I will handle it. If it is Chivas… bring out the band! 

Whatever it is… I will do my best to make my ultimate concierges and my cup run over. Amen.

What are your best tips for dealing with transitions like these? Please share with me in the comments.

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