Hello my Darlings. The holidays are upon us, and many of you continue to write me about loneliness during this time of the year. In this week’s edition of Ask Honey – Advice for Women Over 50, I answer questions about what to do when your favorite makeup is discontinued, how to cope with the loneliness of moving to a new state, how to cope with loneliness during the holidays, and how to manage your time better.
Let’s begin…
Phyllis Asks:
You do many columns on make up. I’m sure there are other people that subscribe to you that have the same issue I do… When companies discontinue one of your favorite products. What is your suggestion?
Dear Phyllis,
When this happens, put on your thinking cap and become Detective Clouseau!
I had this happen to me with my two favorite perfumes and a brand of lipstick. My first reaction was dismay, followed by utter disappointment. However, I turned that into determination and action. I spoke to the manager in each department and asked her to put out feelers to all her stores across America to hopefully find some unsold stock. These days this is fairly easy for every store to do. You are their customer, so they should want to help. My plan was to stockpile a few bottles of perfume and a few tubes of lipstick to give me the time to find a scent and a new brand of lipstick. In all three cases it worked.
Warmly,
Honey
Debbie Asks:
I bought a house in Michigan. I lived in CA and gave up my friends and a good church. Now I am babysitting my grandson and have no social life. I found a church but no close friends. I have depression now. Please help.
Dear Debbie,
I am glad you reached out to me because it tells me you don’t want to be isolated from the world. If you are babysitting every day I suggest you tell your children that you feel isolated and depressed, and that you need a few days to yourself. I know you will feel uncomfortable, but you must speak to them for your emotional well-being.
On the other hand, if you are babysitting a few days a week it is up to you to take the bull by the horns and make a plan to lead a fulfilling life style.
Here are 2 ideas:
- While you are babysitting, do some homework. Take the time to find a group or class that will interest you. Make some phone calls, and see what could fit into your current schedule.
- Secondly, make an appointment with your Minister or Priest to tell him your situation. Ask him to introduce you to another woman (or women) who recently moved into the community, or are new to the church. Most likely these women are looking for new friends too. You can also ask your church for options on groups to join in your new community. Maybe a newcomer’s group? A volunteer group?
You must not let the fear of asking, or the unknown, stand in your way. There are many, many other women who are feeling as you are. Keep me posted.
Also, here is a musing I wrote earlier this year that might help: Activities After 50+ to Help Combat Loneliness.
Warmly,
Honey
Gayle Writes:
I miss the family gatherings, I find this year very hard . The uncles and aunts have passed, cousins children have married, started their traditions and gone from 30 people to 10. Feel left behind, forgotten. Have invited people outside of family, found people have plans with their family. This is the first Christmas Eve my husband and I will be alone. Planned a nice dinner and midnight church. Christmas Day I entertain, not like it use to be. I guess I’m feeling sorry for myself, missing the memories. We never had children, puts you in a different spot. I’m trying to start new traditions, not working so well. Don’t forget the people you love when planning celebrations, they may need to be included.
Dear Gayle,
You ended your thoughts with, ‘Don’t forget the people you love when planning celebrations, they may need to be included.’ There are many other singles and couples who have your similar situation. They are lonely over the holidays, and lonely for friendship. When something is important to me I push myself into action with a solution. Many times my ideas fail and I want to give up, but I don’t. Perhaps you could consider talking to your Minister or Priest and ask him if he knows a few people like yourself and your husband, without family, who are alone on Christmas Eve and invite them to your home! I am almost certain they would love the invite, and who knows…you may start a new tradition; and new friendships!
Warmly,
Honey
Sharon Asks:
Honey, you seem to manage your time well – getting a lot done while enjoying yourself. I struggle to manage my time. Can you give me advice?
Dear Sharon,
Women are not solitary souls. We are always busy trying to manage our time! In my experience, a man is bored when he is alone. Not a woman. I do get a lot done because I am happy with my busyness and dizziness. If you are happy while struggling with all that you do, continue being like I am…busy and dizzy. But, add my few To-Do’s:
- Create a To-Do list, and start with your most important tasks. I do this.
- Focus on one task at a time. This is nearly impossible for me unless I am writing!
- Keep a monthly updated calendar. I also do this.
- Plan for tomorrow and use deadlines. Ha! Are you kidding! This is a hard one.
- Don’t procrastinate. I don’t say ‘no’; or at least I try.
- Three words to manage your time: PRIORITIZE, ORGANIZE and don’t PROCRASTINATE.
I know it’s easier said (or written) than done.
Warmly,
Honey
Margo Writes:
Where to begin? First, I too have experienced the unfriendliness in a new community. I tried joining the book club at the local library, tried volunteering, all to no avail. People here are stuck back in the 50’s and it makes for a very lonely existence. I don’t work, we live quite far from any type of shopping. My husband and I are both retired and we thought retiring here on a lake would be great.
Not so, our kids hate that we moved. We are an hour away, but you would think we lived across the country, and we have accommodations for anyone who visits yet people insist we are too far. We too, begin to wonder if it’s us! All of that aside, nearly two years ago we had a large falling out with both of our sons and my daughter in law while on a family vacation. Last Christmas we spent the day alone just the two of us. It’s hard to get past a heartache like that but we started with meeting our oldest son for dinner. We agreed not to talk about that event, instead we focused on catching up and moving forward. Today, we are sitting here in Florida while staying with him. It’s as if none of that happened.
As for my younger son and his wife, we joined them for Thanksgiving dinner. Both instances were in a restaurant, neutral ground. It was awkward but they’re my kids and really, there is nothing to me that a mother cannot forgive. We plan to join them for Christmas as well.
One thing that happened this year is that we lost my brother in law to pancreatic cancer. He retired in March and was diagnosed in May after spending two months in pain. It was a lesson we won’t soon forget. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Life is too short to hang on to hurt. We cannot know why people do what they do and it is not for us to judge. That right belongs to God.
As a daughter in law, Julie can help her husband move past judging his mother and learn to accept who she is. Her husband may not have all the facts. His mother may have made a choice long ago that was in his best interest and maybe now this choice is in hers. If she misses her mother in law she should reach out to her and reestablish her relationship. It could go a long way in mending the family.
If God can forgive all that we do, who are to not forgive one another?
Dear Margo,
Thank you for sharing your story with our readers. And a big thank you for adding your wise advice for Julie, the daughter in law, in last week’s story.
“Julie can help her husband move past judging his mother and learn to accept who she is. Since she misses her mother in law she should reach out to her and reestablish her relationship. It could go a long way in helping the family.”
Kudos to you Margo for taking your time to help another Darling with your suggestion.
I know ‘women need women.’ What you did proves my point.
Warmly,
Honey
Until next week my Darlings! Please keep writing your questions and stories to me at AskHoney@www.honeygood.com, and I will keep answering with my advice for women.
This is great advice. Situations change and we need to go outside the box and find a new path sometimes!
We sure do. It sometimes takes courage but never the less if you do not try, you will never know. Happy New Year. Warmly, Honey