Darlings,

I so enjoy spending time with women who are authentic. Of course, I understand that when women are placed in different settings they wear different hats.

For example, you will act differently with your children than with your co-workers, yet you can remain authentic to who you are and your principles. You can be loving and caring and remain genuine. You can be strong and determined and be genuine. A woman is authentic when she is comfortable with her actions, dances to her drummer, and tells people how she really feels. This is the month of May, the month to continue to grow and to bloom.

I hope you gain some new wisdom and thoughts from this weeks, ‘Ask Honey’.

 

Ask Honey – Advice For Women of Every Age

May 7, 2020

Carolyn Asks:

Dear Honey, 

I am President of a local chapter of a National Ministry for Women. Our three-point focus is salvation, healing, and equipping women to be all God intended them to be. I have a Vice President with much less experience in leadership than me. She has consistently ignored task requests I’ve made of her to back me up and perform the job description for VP in our chapter manual, in spite of the fact she was trained and knows what is required. 

She projects an attitude of wanting to do things her way instead of by the ministry model of which we are apart. I have received accolades from the National President that we are an exemplary chapter in the past.

Now both the function of the chapter and other leadership is being impacted. This person expresses to me and others what she thinks I need to be doing as President. I’ve made several attempts to discuss the issues with her, but she refuses to discuss them with me and I am at a stalemate. I even suggested mediation, which was offered by one of the National officers to her and she refused. We have also worked together in another ministry and I first noticed a change in her attitude toward me in that ministry.

I have discussed with a trusted National Board member who has tried to help me by releasing a video of communication guidance but this person continues to ignore me entirely. I cannot move forward with decisions I need to make for the best interest of the chapter. Every time an incident has occurred over several months, she has apologized just once. I am aware a great grandbaby has been placed with her and her husband by CPS. I prefer to resolve the issues in making a change in leadership, but I cannot tolerate this behavior in leadership.

What would you suggest I need to do as my next step?

Thank you for the opportunity to ask the question. 

– Carolyn

Dear Carolyn,

I am sorry you are having a painful experience with your Vice President. You are volunteering your skills, effort, and time to your local Ministry’s Women Chapter, and you are entitled to respect from your Vice President.

Your Vice President may be trying to usurp your position by deliberately embarrassing you in front of other members. I can only guess what the reason(s) might be. In your heart of heart, I think you know.

She may not see you as a good leader or she may see you as competition. She may not be a good team player and she may be bullying you. Yes, older women can be bullies.

You have assumed the responsible job of the President of your organization and you have made a commitment to fulfill your obligations. You have tried to resolve the problem and it won’t go away.

To be very blunt, your Vice President is causing you and your chapter discomfort. She should be asked to leave her post by the National Ministry; not by you. But first, ask yourself if you are part of the problem.

One of the many positive attributes of aging is recognizing and refusing to take another person’s abuse.

Keep me in the loop.

Warmly,

Honey

 

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Paula Asks:

Dear Honey, 

Thank you for answering my concerns about making decisions after losing a spouse. I did consult a friend who had been through this same journey and her advice was taken. I live in a Condo but it’s been less than a year. However, I was out house hunting again because I have 2 dogs and have 2 flights of stairs to make when walking them. Not to mention rain and cold weather. Both dogs are up in age. I have to carry one up and down. My previous home had a nice fenced in backyard. But to make a long story short, I might have already made one bad decision with the condo. Although, I like it and feel safe.

Do I move for me or for the dogs?

 

Dear Paula, 

Don’t move again!

I don’t know your age but at any age over 50 moving into a condo with two older dogs (one you have to carry) that have to be walked three times a day up and down two flights of stairs was maybe not the best decision.

However, I don’t think it would be a wise decision to move again, and a home is not the answer because you will not feel safe and you will not be safe. A move is very expensive and this would be your second move in a year. And, don’t forget the stress factor. I would advise you to stay in your condo because you like it and feel safe.

How do you solve the problem of walking your pooches?

I suggest putting positive energy into finding a dog walker instead of finding a new home! Then you will have a home run. A condo you like. The safety you need. And a dog walker to walks your dogs!

Warmly,

Honey

 

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Linda Asks:

Dear Honey,

As parents become more and more unable to do certain things for themselves, is there a way to make them continue to feel their independence has not been ripped away?

Thank you!

Dear Linda,

There is not a parent alive who wants to be a burden to their children. Giving up any independence is unnatural for a parent(s). Parents want to be cared about… not cared for.

But such is not life’s journey. At some point, if one’s parent(s) lives to a wonderful old age they will have no choice. They will need more and more assistance from their children. And, as children, we suffer, too.

It is important when you pay a visit to your parent(s) you visit them… not assess them.

My mom needs total physical assistance. I learned over time the greatest gift I can give my mom is my love, respect, and that I am visiting her because I want to spend time with her. And, I never let her forget she is my mother… I am her daughter.

Our role as adult children is to make our parent(s) feel we want, not have, to stay connected to them. Losing some of their motor skills is debilitating for parents. It is up to children to help their parents maintain their self-worth.

Idealism plays no role in watching parents age. We have to be realists. As adult children, we suffer, too. We want our parents forever.

Spend time with your parent(s) doing what they like best.

My Ultimate Concierge and I have dinner with my mom once or twice a week and Sunday brunch at our condo. My mom goes for a manicure and pedicure. She knows her family loves and respects her. The greatest gifts you can give your parent(s) in their declining years is love, respect, and a feeling of their importance and visibility in the family.

Your parents will reach an age when they will need further assistance. Then you will have to decide on their living facility. If possible, ask your parent(s) their preference. Show them 100% respect. If the decision is in your hands, listen to your heart. It knows.

Your main role is to give back to your parents… help them stay happy.

Warmly,

Honey

 

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Patricia Asks:

Hello!

My question is how to get through a family situation with siblings. My sister had my dad redo his will to give her his home. And my other sister and I get his furniture and belongings… other than what my sister requested who is getting his home. She orchestrated this change basically in my father’s deathbed.

She is needy and has made very poor choices in life that put her in a more desperate position. Again these were her choices. I agreed to his wishes but want nothing to do with her. Basically not speak to her. She is manipulative, opportunistic, smug, and entitled. I want to cut her out of my life. Do you have any advice for me? 

Thanks!

Dear Patricia, 

This is my advice. I do not want you to feel remorse. You gave your consent to your father to leave his home in his will to your sister.

Answer these questions:

Are you so upset with your sister to cut her out of your life? Do you want to set this example for your children and grandchildren? How will this affect your entire family at family events? What will be the repercussions moving forward? Have you tried and tried to have a sisterly relationship with this sister? Will a peacefulness come over you when you break the cord or will you regret your action?

You do have another option to consider…

You can accept that you no longer will tolerate her actions and you can accept she is never going to change and quietly back out of her life without a harsh word by distancing yourself from her. Attend large family events and holidays for your entire family’s sake. Be a lady.

I hope I helped you.

Warmly,

Honey

 

Thank you for all your wonderful questions, I hope you got something from my answers. I am smiling!

We are all GRANDWOMEN with moxie, and we need to stick together. If you have a question for next week, please ask it in the form below.