Simply Be Is My Motto

Darlings, wouldn’t it be nice to ‘simply be.’ I love the short meaningful saying. I have been tempted to have the words tattooed on the inside of my left wrist. I would if I knew a safe and excellent tattoo professional in Chicago.

When I get upset it’s with people and things (my computers!) because people and things complicate everyone’s lives. It is the nature of the beast, Darlings. You think one way, I think another way. “I say potato and you say potahto; You say tomato: and I say Tomahto…..”  These differences cause countries to go to war, friendships and partnerships to end, families to separate, etc…

Those two little words, ‘Simply’ and ‘Be’ when put together, ‘Simply Be’ set the stage for us to ‘just be’. We physically calm down, then emotionally settle down as the storm inside us subsides and answers can fall into place.

Some problems are never solved because it takes two to tango. They can be tempered and made livable. On occasion, situations are irreparable, and then, with your ‘simply be’ attitude, you calmly make the choice to accept and at times delete the problem from your life.

Simply be, Darlings. Just simply be.

 

Ask Honey – Advice For Every Woman

May 21, 2020

L Asks:

My question concerns my husband. He loves to talk, which in this case is not a completely positive thing. I don’t really need to be on the other side of the conversation, because he takes over. When I have something I want to talk about, often he will either have absolutely no response or he’ll be so busy thinking of an experience that he has had or it’ll remind him of someone else’s story. Bringing my topic back up, he still doesn’t either hear my voice or doesn’t care, because he’s back to his storytelling.

My topic could be about one of my hobbies or a tough day. It could be anything. I can see his brain looking to turn it to something he’s interested in.

I’ve brought all this behavior up to him many times, but it goes in one ear and out the other. He isn’t doing it to hurt my feelings, he just can’t seem to help himself. I’ve read about conversationalist narcissism. It could be him. Help!

Dear L,

I agree with you that your husband fits the profile of a conversational narcissist. One of my girlfriends has a husband who never talks and another one has one that never listens. I also have an acquaintance who’s married to a man who criticizes her comments in front of others. It seems for some they don’t know the rules of a good conversationalist or they cannot help themselves.

I believe your husband cannot help himself. Unfortunately, he is the only one who can curb his enthusiasm! It’s his issue and he is the driver seat.

I wonder if there are classes in how to be a good conversationalist? You might consider delving into that. Have you considered taping his conversation when you are alone or in a group? Hearing how he sounds may open his eyes. And, I suggest he visit a Positive Psychologist because his problem is an exaggerated tendency to enjoy being in control because he thinks he is self-entitled. He doesn’t feel inadequate. He just likes others to bow to his will… and listen!

How can you seek relief? There is a site called, 5 Steps for Dealing With People Who Talk Too Much. And another called, The Incessant Talker-an NLP View.

I am so glad you know he is not doing anything to hurt your feelings.

My advice for your salvation when he goes on and on and on talking is to learn to… Simply be!

Warmly,

Honey

 

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Kelli Asks:

Hi Honey,

First off thank you for being a positive mother-in-law. I do not have one of those. My mother-in-law has been determined to control her sons’ life since he proposed. Within days she insisted on every detail of our wedding and bombarded me with text messages, emails, and Pinterest messages. She went so far as to pry into the hat form of birth control my husband and I were going to use. This came after she asked for all of my measurements and then later informed me she was buying lingerie for our honeymoon. We now have a 15-month-old. About 3 years have passed since her controlling started and it’s only become worse since our son was born.

I’ve tried to be civil and I’ve asked my husband to set boundaries to benefit our entire family. The mother-in-law cries when he tells her anything she doesn’t like. I’m at a loss on how to raise our son without relinquishing my responsibility. I’m coming to you now specifically because the mother-in-law has sent us a book and 3 packages of underpants for potty training. She claims it’s for whenever we need it. The sizes are what my son currently wears. On my better days, I brush off her input and constant packages from Amazon. On my bad days, I struggle to see my husband as a co-parent since it seems he’s co-parenting with his mother. My marriage is suffering from this woman’s involvement.

Please help me understand where I might be going wrong.

Thank you,

Kelli

Dear Kelli,

You and your hubby over the past three years have allowed her to control much of your lives. It is never too late to set boundaries and learn positive techniques to confront ‘her’ problem… she is a ‘buttinsky’ mother-in-law.

Do you know why she is controlling? Answer the question.

It seems to me she is either an overbearing passive-aggressive mother-in-law or she is an overbearing, bored, and lonely woman. I would opt for two but I suspect she is passive-aggressive; she does not talk directly to you; her actions talk for her. She sends ‘gifts’ in the mail that have a purpose and cries to her son for sympathy.

If she is overbearing and lonely or bored she is trying to be accepted into your family. She can’t come out and say that so she acts instead. If this is the case, have empathy. And, simply be.

A passive-aggressive mother-in-law is a problem.

She is saying, without a word, “I can do everything better than you can.” She plans your wedding… she buys your lingerie for your honeymoon! And, if her son talks to her about boundaries, she plays the sympathy card and cries. So, in effect, she is using her passive-aggressive tactics on her son as well. I suggest you team up as you should and stop this.

You are not going to change a passive-aggressive mother-in-law who you’ve allowed to set a pattern over the past three years unless your husband understands what his mother is doing and confronts her with boundaries that you decide on as a team and he makes them stick. If he can do this, nicely, she will realize she has to be a good mother-in-law or it’s the highway for her. It is time for him to act like a responsible husband and father and be on your team, not his mothers.

When she sends ‘gifts’ and plans the wedding she is saying to you and your husband, “I am better than you are.” And, when she cries to your husband, she is trying to divide you, Remember this, she is not better than either of you. She is manipulative and overpowering. Both of you have allowed this behavior.

How can you personally respond to this type of mother-in-law?

When she sends gifts in the mail respond with a thank you. This will have zero effect on raising your child.

If she sends texts and emails with ‘advice’ on how to raise your child, I would respond, “When you send me these words of advice don’t you think I am a good mother?” Every time she confronts you, start the sentence the same way. Here is another example, “When you send me lingerie in the mail don’t you think I have good taste?”

You have a third option:

‘Accept’ what you cannot change and go about your life. You are not weak. You know who you are dealing with. Ignore her, do things your way, and… Simply be.

Let me know her answer if you use the sentences I suggest. I know you’ll catch her off guard. And, I hope they will make her think.

I would love to have you as my daughter-in-law!

Warmly,

Honey

 

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Catherine Asks:

Hi Honey,

What can be done about a spouse who is suffering from malaise and refuses to repair and maintain our home? Things are getting out of hand and I cannot afford to take on major debt to do the work by myself.

Dear Catherine,

You are entitled to a maintained and kept up home; a roof over your head. Your question is hard to answer because I don’t know what’s in your husband’s head that made him decide not to keep your home in good repair. And, I don’t know what type of relationship you have or if you have children.

So I am guessing…

Over a glass of wine with soft music playing in the background, mention this to him very sweetly. “Our home is our haven and it makes me sad when it is not maintained. I have spoken to the kids and my girlfriend about moving-in with one of them. Yes, I am seriously thinking of moving out until our home is repaired and looks maintained.”

I have a feeling he is not going to want to do his laundry and cooking.

Warmly,

Honey

 

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Feruza Asks:

Dear Honey,

Good day! My name is Feruza. I’m from Uzbekistan, Tashkent. I’m 30-years-old. I want to start my own business. My father has a bee farm (not a big). When he has free time after work, he loves spending it on the bee farm. He produces honey every year and we sell it.

One idea came to me if I produce honey products, for example, cosmetic products. The problem is that I don’t have experience in this field at all. Every day I search through different internet sites about honey products but all are useless. Could you provide some advice on what should I do? Thank you in advance!

Dear Feruza,

I think you should follow your dream remembering that nothing will come your way without hard work. You are halfway there because your father has a bee farm. So you have your product. Now you have to learn the skill.

You will have to go to school to learn how to produce honey products or work for a honey company as an apprentice and learn how to produce different products.

That is my advice. Start today. Don’t give up. Do your research and find schools and companies where you will learn.

Good luck. Keep me posted on your efforts.

Warmly,

Honey

Thank you for all your wonderful questions, I hope you got something from my answers. I am smiling!

We are all GRANDWOMEN with moxie, and we need to stick together. If you have a question for next week, please ask it in the form below.