Estrangement of an adult child, which often leads to grandparent estrangement is an epidemic that most people don’t talk about.
My hope is that if you, too, have experienced the heartbreak of the estrangement of an adult child or grandparent estrangement, you will understand that you are not alone. In fact, good mother, you will find that many others share in your grief. We need not be silent. Nor should we be ashamed. Though it is not easy, we can come to a place of acceptance.
I am Honey Good. There was a time when I was a grandmother to many grands. Read on, I am here to share my story.
It isn’t easy to tell my story. As a matter of fact, it has taken me nearly eight years to expose the pain a mother goes through when her adult child rejects her. Yes, I am the mother of adult children who are no longer in my life. It was their choice.
What prompted me to divulge my pain? I am writing my story because I studied this topic. Over time I have learned there is an epidemic of children who no longer speak to their parents. Millions strong — which is why I started a private Facebook estrangement group with the same name, click here to join. This often sadly brings grandparent estrangement into the epidemic as well. I’m sure, like myself, many of these parents do wonder how their ‘crime’ merits the severity of their punishment.
ESTRANGEMENT FROM AN ADULT CHILD AND GRANDPARENT ESTRANGEMENT
I have had to emotionally battle my way out of grief. Though the pain and sadness will never leave, there have been some experiences and people that have made my life more tolerable. My husband and his family’s love. My daughter-in-law, Jami and my three grandsons; Scott, Logan, and David and their wives, Annie and Katie. My Ultimate Concierge’s sister and her family make me feel I am a part of the family. The support of my ‘best’ friends, an extraordinary happening, and finally the moment of clarity: If anyone treats me unkindly, I learned to back away. Anyone.
If when you close your eyes each night you feel good about all you have done concerning your actions and reactions in your attempts to rekindle the relationship with your family members, then you must accept what is. You must go forward with your life remembering you cannot change your adult child’s ‘expectations without the child wanting a conversation.
RELATIONSHIP FALLOUTS
One of my adult children has not spoken to me in 8 years. Unfortunately, for my grandchildren, my daughter made this a family affair instead of a mother-daughter situation. I am guessing that she needed an army behind her to justify her action. An action that was not only unjust to her mother and children but also unjust to herself. And I am sure she does not rest peacefully. I know my daughter.
If she had communication skills I believe our sad situation could have been avoided. She would not communicate with me. She has said five words to me in all these years. “Mom, you would not understand.” When I asked her to give me a chance. No response.
I have lost contact with my grandchildren, a great granddaughter, my other daughter, and my sons-in-law.
There was no argument between my daughter and myself. Up until that time, my relationship with all my grandchildren was warm and very very loving. The relationship with my sons-in-law as well. I have come to the conclusion that she is uncomfortable having me in her presence and decided to exclude me from the family tree. But, I am assuming.
A HARD JOURNEY TO TRAVEL
The purpose of my story is not to discuss my history with my daughter. It is to tell you how I healed from her loss and the loss of the rest of my family. This has not been an easy journey and the scars will always remain raw.
It took eight years to come to terms with this troubling issue. To understand the importance of not letting the situation determine my happiness or allow it to stop me from enjoying a fruitful personal life with my Ultimate Concierge and the rest of my large family. Of course, I will never be able to stop grieving and aching over these losses but I have learned to cope most of the time.
HOW I HEALED
This is the story of how I handled myself, these past several years, as a mother and grandmother. Also the story of two positive happenings that helped bring the issue full circle.
ATTEMPTED RECONCILIATION
I have asked myself a thousand times, “Why did I take the high road when this started? Why didn’t I roar out over the years? Because, until recently, I have always thought taking the high road was a better choice. And, I still do with one caveat —know the player before you make your decision.
Though I took the high road, my attempts at reconciliation failed. At the onset, I sent her sentimental gifts. One was a paperweight with her zodiac sign. The card read: “I have loved you since the first time I held you in my arms.” That gift, I believe, was sent back with a short note. Again, I sent another loving gift and when I received no response, I stopped.
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THE EMOTIONAL PAIN OF CHILD AND GRANDPARENT ESTRANGEMENT
Many hours have been spent over the years thinking about my relationship with my daughter. I know my strengths and weaknesses. My weaknesses would, in normal circumstances, not prompt this type of estrangement in families. This I know. This she knows.
It is shocking that estranged family members can find justification for their actions.
I believe their expectations of their parents are abnormally high. Their communication skills abnormally low. And, their hurt, anger or jealousy so intense that they see no other route but to estrange themselves. What a loss for the adult child; not to have her mother. What a loss for a mother. And what a loss for the grandchildren. How many daughters would give anything to have their mother.
A psychiatrist friend told me he had many daughters in his office lying on his couch. They would tell him how much they hated their moms but after many sessions these daughters admitted they never stopped loving their mother. And, in my situation, I feel in my heart, my daughter(s) love me. Yet, I believe the daughter who started this feels her decision was healthy for her. How selfish.
How to Recover From Loneliness When an Adult Child Rejects You
MY MOMENT OF ACCEPTANCE
I came to a healthy but sad conclusion the day I walked alone in a labyrinth far above the Pacific Ocean.
The experience did not stop me from spending hours crying and talking late into the night with my Ultimate Concierge. There have been many hours over the years I have grieved alone over my loss. Some nights I have told my Ultimate Concierge I was choking with grief and could not go on without my whole family. What I realized much much later is that I was going through the steps of mourning though my family was alive. How did I know? I was widowed in my forties.
“Always I will offer my daughter her right of passage to come home to her mother. I am her mother. That cord can never be severed.” —Honey Good
My Ultimate Concierge has been my rock as has my blended family that I consider my own. Though I know the crying will never stop I also know that my life has meaning and I am going to live it to the fullest. And, I want you to do the same.
My role as a mother and a grandmother in my daughter’s family gave me an uplifting sense of love, meaning and purpose. That is no more. I am sure some of you feel the same.
My emotions run wild. Sometimes, I feel sad, sometimes hurt. I am often bewildered, sometimes furious, and sometimes exhausted from the experience.
ACCEPTING IS A POSITIVE PART OF HEALING
Six years ago my Ultimate Concierge and I spent a week at a spa, The Golden Door. One day we hiked, just the two of us with a guide to the top of a mountain overlooking the Pacific Ocean. There was a labyrinth. A complicated irregular network of passages or paths in which it is difficult to find one’s way. The sages say that if you complete the path you will find your answer to a question.
Neither of us wanted to walk in the labyrinth. I ultimately did but not before I said to the guide, “I have nothing on my mind.” I meant it.
Curiously, the moment I set foot into the labyrinth, my thoughts drifted to the unhappy situation that I have with my daughter. When I walked out I felt a new beginning emerge.
A MAZE OF FEELINGS
Walking through the maze I thought about my actions as a mom and my behavior over the past several years. I have come to the conclusion that my presence in my daughter’s life makes her unhappy and uncomfortable. That she did what she had to do to be happy. Though I often wonder how happy she is because she is a loving and caring young woman who has sent me many cards and gifts over the years telling me how much she loved and respected me.
After I completed my walk, the guide walked up to me and held out a black bag. She said, “Put your hand into this bag and choose your treasure. It is filled with rocks, each with a different saying.” I put my hand into the black bag and took out one of the rocks. I could not believe the word that stared me in the face… ACCEPT.
The word on my rock gives me peace. It sits on my perfume tray as a reminder that I must accept what is not in my power to change. I have done what I think I can to reconcile with her and now it is time to try and accept.
Though it is difficult, when you come to a point where you have done everything in your power, acceptance of the child or grandparent’s estrangement is the only way forward.
And, for you, my sweet reader who may be experiencing my circumstances, you too must try and accept what is not in your power to change. Whether it is with the estrangement of an adult child or grandparent estrangement.
I also question my actions. Maybe I should not have taken the high road in this situation? Perhaps I could have stopped the bleeding. Was I right to keep my silence? I will never know. But, my gut instinct tells me I should have roared.
THE DAWNING
Not long ago, in the early morning, I was sitting at my desk. I was staring at family photos and keepsakes when a light bulb went off.
Out loud I said to myself, “OMG, I have suffered what amounts to death. Losing an adult child who no longer wants me in her life is a death.” Coupled with the loss of my entire family.
This day was another turning point of transformation. It had never dawned on me that I had been in mourning.
Dear sweet reader, you have to mourn the loss of loved ones in your life. This is necessary to evolve into the stage of reconstructing your life.
Dealing with the alienation of a child took years for me to go through the process of:
- Shock
- Grief
- Anger
- Depression
- and finally to ACCEPTANCE
I tell myself, “Fortunately, I have other grandchildren and adult children on my husband’s side with who I share a strong and loving bond. They fill my cup. They tell me I fill theirs. I am smiling.”
Currently I am hard at work on an e-workbook to help you through this process that I have developed to help me find peace. I will share it with you soon!
I WILL ALWAYS WONDER…
At times, I wonder how my daughter justifies her actions. Does she feel sad with a sense of remorse? Only she knows.
MY MOM AND ME
I look back on my childhood. My mom was not perfect. We had our mother-daughter differences.
Nevertheless, she was my mom. The woman who taught me right from wrong. Who wiped my tears. Who explained the importance of kindness and love and giving back and feeling gratitude. The woman who taught me great values.
All her good outweighed our differences. And, no matter how I felt when we had our mother-daughter disagreements, I never forgot one of the Ten Commandments: Honor thy father and mother.
I read that in the last decade adult children began disappearing from their parents’ lives. They decided their parents were not making them happy for one reason or another. They take their children with them, causing grandparent estrangement. I come, like all of you, from a generation that parents deserve a place of honor in the family.
A MOTHER IS A MOTHER
Honestly, I can’t understand what goes on in an adult child’s mind to completely end a relationship with a parent(s). Or to cut their children out of their grandparents’ lives. Except in situations of cruelty, non-stop criticism, alcoholism, fear, or lack of love. I will never give up hope that there will come a day when my daughter and I will reconcile. My daughter holds the cards in her hand. Only she knows.
Until then I will live each day to its fullest while never tucking away my true feelings. If I am sad, I will cry. If I feel rage, I will roar to my Ultimate Concierge because you can’t bury the mother-daughter relationship. Even the ones that are off the track.
Always I will offer my daughter her right of passage to come home to her mother. I am her mother. That cord can never be severed.
I offer these resources:
My supportive private Facebook group, Estranged Mothers and Grandmothers: Millions Strong
This book by psychologist, Joshua Coleman, When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along
“A unique book helping parents whose relationship with their older or adult child has not turned out as they expected deal with grandparent estrangement and their pain, shame, and sense of loss, and take steps toward healing.”
And this book, Done with the Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children By Sheri McGregor, M.A.
Look for my e-workbook soon!
I would love to hear from you. Are you a mother with an estranged adult child and/or grandchildren? Have you found a way to move forward? Please join the conversation and leave a comment below.
Please share this story so others will know they are not alone.
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I only have 1 beautiful granddaughter, and she will be 2yrs old in 1 month. My daughter has had contempt for me since she was a young child. Only after I fall in love with my granddaughter, she decides she is going to end our relationship. I am completely gutted, yes, and grieving. I dont know how to live. I barely get through work without spending half my shift in the bathroom crying.
It’s been exactly 4 weeks today since I last saw her or heard her voice on video. My wonderful friends and coworkers call me daily to make sure I’m not jumping off the bridge. I’m 55 yrs old with 1 other daughter who is very loving and wonderful. thank God…but lives very far from me. No other family. I’m divorced, and alone. I dont know how I’m going to survive this.
I know how you are feeling. It is a feeling of total despair.Maybe your other daughter can involve herself in such a way that will have a positive result. She might tell her sister that she does not want to take sides. On the other hand every grandchild needs a loving grandmother. She should ask her sister to reconsider because one day she may regret what she is doing to her child. Involving grandchildren is not fair to her child. Keep my posted. Warmly, Honey
As I’m reading I hear Silver Springs, Time cast a spell on you but you won’t forget me
I know I could’ve loved you but you would not let me
I’ll follow you down ’til the sound of my voice will haunt you
Give me just a chance, you’ll never get away from the sound of the woman “mother” that loves you…
Thank you, Jamie. Warmly, Honey
Thank you SO much for sharing this! I needed to hear this today.
I am glad I could be of help to you. Warmly, Honey
Oh thank you Honey for this timely article. I also am a mother estranged from our daughter and grandchildren’ it’s been 10 years and I still am grieving that lost and beautiful daughter. Yes like so many here I felt I have done everything in my power to rekindle and reconcile our differences. I never thought she would give us the silent treatment because my family is Italian and we were always open with our children. She estranged the whole family. My husband is typically Italian and doesn’t want her name mentioned. I just don’t feel any closure with this situation. I ask myself what happened to forgiveness. This kind of treatment from adult children to their parents was unheard of when I was growing up. I feel angry sometimes thinking she feels entitled to treat her family with dis honor. I have told her I love her a million times.But I have decided to not let this cripple me anymore ,it’s not my problem anymore.The ball is in her court but I will move on and everyday find gratitude and joy. I don’t have much time left. I have Parkinson’s, scoliosis and a heart condition and severe fibromyalgia. I am not complaining because life is still good with abundant blessings. Thank you with all my heart for sharing your story. Sorry for the typos.🙂
I don’t know how they live with themselves. There is no answer. Continue to find gratitude and joy. My life has been touched like yours. As you said, the ball is in their court. What we should do is, accept what we cannot change even though it is very difficult to accept. I should have roared when my daughter did the things she did. I came from love and took the high road. It was the wrong road. Warmly, Honey
Hi Honey,
Thank you so much for this heartfelt article. My eldest son and I were estranged for a few years, and it was one of the hardest things my husband and I have ever been through. The birth of his sons brought reconciliation gradually, because his wife encouraged it. Big hugs to you, Honey. I pray this will be resolved one day for you.
Diana
I am happy for you, Diana. Thank goodness for good daughters in law. I have one of those ‘good ones,’ too. Thank you for writing to me. Warmly, Honey
I would very much love to talk to you , I fee like for 5yrs now I have been going to a funeral but never the grave site everyday we just start over
Please email me at honey@www.honeygood.com. Please be more specific. I thank I understand where you are in your life but if you would be more specific I would have a better understanding and we can go from there.. I am sorry for your pain. Warmly, honey
Thank you for sharing your heartache.and how you have lived through it.
A few years ago my oldest son of 4 children asked me to see a counselor with him regarding something I had done 10 years prior. I agreed, even though my husband (and his dad) was against me doing this without his presence. I had no idea what I had done. After a few months, I asked if he was waiting for me to make the appointment and he said no, that he had just been very busy. We are several years down the road with no appointment. He acts like nothing ever happened. Still stops by, we are invited to the birthday parties (6 children so lots of parties 😉) and seemingly everything is fine. But a part of me wants to know so I can try to make it right. I accept the fact that I wasn’t a perfect mom, but did the best I could. I don’t want him to continue to carry whatever it is, but I’m afraid to bring it up since he hasn’t.
I can only imagine what you have experienced the past 5 years. I’m so sorry for your loss – and hers and her family’s.
Personally, I think I would leave well enough alone at this time. It is the past and all is well within your family. It is normal for every child, no matter their age, to remember something their mom or dad did wrong.I am sure your mom made her mistakes, like my mom made hers (in our minds.) If you do not sense a strain on his part, enjoy him and your family. Hope I helped. Thank you also for your kind message to me. Warmly, Honey
My daughter and I were estranged for 3 months. She told me I was the biggest disappointment in her life among other things. I told her I don’t let anyone talk to me that way (I don’t). Reminded her that I was her mother and she should show me respect even if she didn’t love me. Told her I didn’t want to hear from her unless she was calling to apologize. All this over politics. Something I never discuss with my family. She knows how I am. Sadly I can be very unforgiving. I might add that she is my youngest and we have always been close. She called me one day and said I miss my mom. That was all it took. We are back loving each other.
I respect you. Warmly, Honey
Honey, this post is wonderful, and healing to so many of us.
I was ‘bleeding’ over the loss of a sibling for so many years, she is 12 years younger than me. Just us two in the family.
My husband and I have been blessed enough to be able to travel the world with his occupation, and we always shared our trips with her.
We don’t have kids, so she became, if you like, the child we never had. She was always included in all we did, and it didn’t feel ‘good’ if we didn’t share all with her. My own mother admitted I ‘raised her’ as a child, being 12 years older than her, she was always with me. Up til today, my childhood friends still remember me with P. attached somewhere on my anatomy! It’s true, we were so linked.
Well, my mother got sick in 2006, she had a stroke, and everything changed. My sister took advantage of her state to clean out bank accounts etc, and detach from us, quite brutally too. She resented the fact that my mother was my first priority in her plight, and I had to protect her.
She saw that as a betrayal. So, long story short, my mother passed in 2014, and I haven’t even ‘spoken’ to my sister since 2012.
I have made many attempts to reconcile, gifts, little notes filled with my feelings, etc etc, all to no avail.
The last email I sent her back in 2019 at Christmas, came with an abrupt answer “please stop hounding me!” I guess that was the final straw, I finally saw the light of day. I also came to the realization, some time ago, that she was so far better off without me in her life, she has found her own path, and by what I hear is happy, successful and well.
I went through all the ‘stages’ that you mention, and I too have finally reached “acceptance’ It was so exhausting, a constant drain on me, and as I said my ‘bleeding’ consisted of me constantly talking to my husband about her (and to all who would listen!) howling literally at the wind! What a relief to be over it.
It’s a very hard life-lesson, I raged about it for so many years. I will always be her big sister, and as a psychiatrist told me a mother figure too, as I was. We are complicated, and it’s a very painful journey. Thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us.
Bx
I always wished for a sister. My mom and her sister were so close. I will never understand how an adult child or sibling can permanently cut off a mom or a sister. I think they are uncomfortable having us involved in their lives and their are several different reasons for this type of action. Instead of meeting to try and work things out in some form, they jump ship and reconcile in their minds that it is right for them. And, it may be but I don’t believe this form of actions gives them ultimate peace. I am glad you have reached a form of acceptance. God Bless. Warmly, Honey
I agree Honey. That’s what the psychiatrist said (I had to consult one due to the distress of the entire situation, and the anxiety it provoked)
The ‘estrangers’ feel they are living in our shadow somehow. I think my sister, when she was younger loved us so much, and appreciated always being with my husband and myself on our various life adventures, but as time progressed she felt resentful instead.
It’s a very hard and sad thing to realize, that as much as you do for someone, and love them in every way, it can eventually back fire.
I am not an ‘estranger’ at all, to a fault actually, I will stick with certain situations even when the writing is on the wall to pull away.
Now, at least, I have reached a certain peace about it. (I got help from an online group too that dealt with ‘estrangement’)
Just breifly, I had contacted her in 2019 for a reason. We were in London and two days before we were set to return to Florida, we saw a Henry Moore expo at the Tate Gallery, in which was included a black and white documentary that actually featured my Dad as a young man.
My father had a bronze artistic foundry in London, back in the day, and worked a lot for the sculptor Henry Moore. It was the most serendipitous surprise to see my father as a young man, back in the 50’s, just a month before I was born, it was quite amazing.
I wrote to her and told her, as I said before there are just us two in the family, who else could appreciate it as much as we both would.
I don’t believe she actually went to see it even, just to ‘get back’ at me still. At least after that final abrupt email I never heard another word.
So, after that I really gave up. I like to think that Dad helped me too. She was probably resentful that I had seen it first, and she didn’t!
What more can be said..
Thank you again for the subject topic, estrangement with loved ones, is a long painful road.
B x
PS I love the Lalique Apple in the pic too.. 🙂
I love the lalique too. Looking at it brings me daily joy. I think your dad did help you because that is how I think! Warmly, Honey
I too have been through this scenario more than once. My oldest didn’t see us for four years, his wife wanted him all to herself and her family. When my mother became very ill I just marched up his driveway and let him know that he could continue this nonsense with me but that he couldn’t let his grandmother die with them being estranged.
They dropped what they were doing and went to see her. After that he just resumed our relationship as if nothing ha d ever happened. My mother lived another 9 months during which time my daughter in law found herself pregnant. She went into labor the day of my mother’s funeral.
There have been other times with my other son as well. Three years ago my husband and I celebrated the holidays just the two of us because neither of our sons were speaking to us. As we speak, my youngest son is in the hospital waiting for a surgeon, he fell off his roof yesterday morning while he and his father were trying to put on a new roof.
We see my oldest frequently though he is living in Florida. His wife comes to Boston for a clinical trial since she was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer in January.
We never know how God will set things to write. I never pray asking for anything specific anymore. I put it in His hands and trust God that all will be well.
If your daughter didn’t love you she wouldn’t have such a strong reaction to whatever sparked this estrangement. She wouldn’t care enough to try and hurt you. It’s true that we often hurt the ones we love. Through all that’s happened in my family I know that both boys love me and my husband but at times they are selfish and think only if their own happiness. One day this separation will end as long as you are open to forgiveness on her terms.
I am happy for you that your estrangement appears less than in the past.And, I admire your strength to set things straight on the day you marched up his driveway. I feel I should have done what you did. I should have done my marching, especially when it came to my grandchildren. I just did not nor do I now have the emotional strength. Believe me I wanted to march. I am a very forgiving person. Time will tell. Enjoy your family. Warmly, Honey
Honey,
Thank you Honey for this very important and painful discussion. When my children were very young I had terrible fights with my husband and I was the parent who screamed louder, which made me the bad parent. This affected my son and my daughter. I am still married to my husband and he is still a troubled person, but I chose not to break up our family. Our son who is married and has 2 children lives far away from us and I have made it my business to fly to where he lives and see them about every 3 months. My husband goes with me twice a year. I make sure we have family vacations where we are all together. Our daughter who has two children lives about an hour away from us and I try to see them every weekend. We are very close to our daughter’s children. Our daughter’s 10 yr. Old son FaceTime’s us every day. To be honest he gives me the strength to move on and not cry and go into deep depression. I don’t want to severe the relationship with our son, but I feel like he doesn’t even like me most of the time and that hurts my feelings. I have continually gone above and beyond to make up for upsetting them when they were young. I am always trying to win my children’s love. I also think that my daughter in law somehow plays into this some way. Outwardly, we get along well, but I feel she is threatened by my existence and accomplishments. My mother was not a great mom, but I was a great daughter to her. I don’t understand the children that we raised. My mother said to me that I was too good to my children and they will not appreciate me. I think now maybe she was right. I have decided to let go and move on. I will continue to have a somewhat relationship with our son. I am praying that he doesn’t cut me out of their lives at some point. But then I think although he has a lot of money he still will wants my money. This is usually where it tips in our favor. Not always, but sometimes. Just remember that you are a fabulous woman who has made some mistakes, as we all have. These kids did not come with directions. Continue to be the best person you can be. This is what I strive for everyday. Best, Linda
You certainly have gone the extra mile showing your love and nothing can stop your grandchildren from adoring you and your children from respecting you. I applaud you. Accepting rejection from our children is the worst type of pain for a mother and in my humble opinion I don’t know how they live with themselves. Fortunately we do not carry their burden and shame. You continue to be the best person you are. Your children and grandchildren are fortunate to have you as a role model. Warmly, Honey
Dear Honey,
Thank you for your transparency in sharing this topic with us, your readers. I look forward to reading the materials you are sharing in your blog. Please continue to write about this subject. It is too painful for me to share with others at this time, but it is so very real to me! I didn’t realize there were others who are experiencing the same thing that I am!
The situation is epidemic especially in the last decade. I am glad I opened a door for you. You will read and learn. I am sorry you are experiencing the same pain I am experiencing. There are no words. Thank you for writing to me. Warmly, Honey
You have described my feelings perfectly. The difference is, my daughter and my husband are getting together withiut me. Im the one she wants no part if. I cannot see my grandchildren but he can. I am allowed no contact. She has said not to even send a card.
I have worked hard on grieving and accepting this loss but cannot mive past it ad my husband gets too see them.
I feel betrayed by him and I fear our marriage is in trouble.
Your husband should be by your side. This sets an example for your daughter. Your husband is an accomplice to your daughter’s unacceptable behavior. Your daughter is interfering in your marriage. I don’t know the situation between the three of you. But I do know loyalty between a husband and wife is a must. I am sure he does not want to spent the rest of his life living with his daughter!!!!! Be strong. Do not be a victim. Your daughter is the victim. Shame on her. Warmly, Honey
As I read this it brings my grief and reality back front and center. My oldest son has decided that I am not worth his time. Thank goodness his ex wife, a wonderful woman, has kept in our life with my grandchildren. I am so thankful for her, but I miss my son horribly.
I have a feeling your son will come back. He knows of his ex-wife’s actions and is not trying to stop her. He knows you are with his children. Be patient. Enjoy the fact that you have a wonderful ex- daughter in law and your grandchildren in your life. That is a blessing. Warmly, Honey
Dear Honey, Our stories are so much alike, but not just one daughter, it was all 3. It’s been 11 years for me. I remember writing you about it, it was so long, but I asked that you get it. I didn’t hear from you. My husband had changed jobs from being a full-time father to working offshore. I also started college again to complete my RN degree. I had two years of clinical work left, but had completed my academics. I was working full-time, had to raise my children almost alone as sometimes he didn’t come home but once a month as he was sent to various states for training on his week off.It was a daunting task. He became distant. He told me he didn’t love me anymore and didn’t know how he felt about his 3 daughters. We remained married, but it began to deteriorate. I am sure my children felt the changes. I completed my RN degree. A year later we divorced. I remarried and moved with my 3 children to a city 75 miles away. Time went by with graduations, 2 marriages, 3 grandchildren. I was at my 3rd daughter’s son’s 2nd birthday party and found my middle daughter had in vitro fertilization and was due in 2 weeks ~ she had told everyone not to tell me. I was so hurt. She didn’t tell me why. She lived alone and went to her father’s home to recover. He had also remarried. I was not called and didn’t want me to see her or newborn son. My 3rd daughter was also pregnant again. I was not called when she went into labor and told not to go to the hospital. No one would tell me why. When I called my oldest daughter who had 2 children that I adored and asked my daughter to let me know what a date and time I could take my granddaughter to see The Nut Cracker, she told me she had many activities to attend and wouldn’t be able to go. I was being expunged from my chidren and my grandchildren’s lives. I still don’t know why and I also grieved for 5 years. I cried, went to therapy where I was told this was a growing epidemic everywhere. To this day it has been over 9 years. I am still blocked in every way possible. At the five year mark, I also sent each of them a letter and a book called How Not to Hate Your Parents written to emphasize the Christian life and Honor Your Mother and Father. I still cannot talk or think of them without crying out to Almighty God and weeping. You are fortunate to have Shelly for support. I have no one. I still pray that one day we will reconcile. I love all of them and pray God will open their hearts. I also had to move on for my mental health. It still hurts my heart.
There are no words… I do recall your letter to me and I thought I answered it. I do apologize. Sometimes these computers have their own mind, maybe I forgot to click and send; I don’t know. I don’t know how you bear this estrangement. I don’t know what to tell you to do because I am sure you have tried everything. And, though it is easy to write to ‘accept’ what you don’t have in your power to change, it is impossible. I do hope that you have a nice and interesting life other wise. I did send links with my story that might shed some light on what to do. Maybe search for a group of moms in our situation and join on line or in your community. Please join my private FaceBook Group, GRANDwomen with Moxie…where loneliness disappears. There is a lot of engagement between the women. And, do keep in touch with me. I end this note to you as only I can…there are no words and God Bless you. Warmly, Honey
I understand. I too have dealt with this. The heartbreaking pain is hard to describe. Mental illness is often a component and I found that you can’t help or try to understand until the person recognizes the problem. This too is heartbreaking, not at all what I envision for my life. It is what it is. Hang in there, you mean a lot to many people.
Thank you, M. I agree with your thinking. And, thank you for your kind words! I am hanging in!!! Warmly, Honey
Dearest Suzy:
There is no greater pain than when your children hurt you. I too have experienced a similar hurt as you have. I went through an ugly divorce and my youngest daughter at 13 years old decided to live with her father as her feelings towards my new husband were not of her liking. It was never announced to me how she truly felt nor did she tell me of her plan to depart. As I opened my front door coming home from work were many large trash bags filled with all her belongings and only than did she tell me of her plan. Part of my heart still lays on the floor when she left. I couldn’t let her go and to this day I work on our relationship with a heavy heart. I fought in court for her and spent money I did not have but she means the world to me. It’s taken years to make her love me She was a child who was tortured by a very disturbed father. Every single day of my life I want to be sure she knows how much I love her and my grandchildren. Our relationship eventually survived and she is there for me and tells me she loves me! I don’t think our stories are unusual, unfortunately. There is no answer. Never give up! With understanding and hugs and love. Madeleine Costello
Dear Madeline, I always knew you were very special. Your daughter is lucky to have you as her role model. My daughter has worn me out. I cannot describe it. What she has done is almost intolerable; public banishment for all to see. When I see you in my mind, I see your beautiful smile. Where are you? Sending hugs and love back….
As a ‘child-adult’ who has chosen to cut off my mother, I think what you have written here is incredibly one-sided. There isn’t a single sentence in your entire piece which even questions YOUR actions or behaviour which caused your daughter to cut you off. The fact that you wrote ‘Honestly, I can’t understand what goes on in an adult child’s mind to completely end a relationship with a parent(s)’ just proves your one-sidedness and inability to take any responsibility or even TRY to consider your part which brought your daughter to this decision. In addition, this shows to complete lack of empathy for your daughter perspective. My mother is not an alcoholic, or a drug addict or any of the other reasons you have deemed worthy of estrangement. She simply always put herself first, had a severe lack of empathy and a narrow-minded perspective of always being ‘right’, whether she was or not. It is unfair to simply push all responsibility onto your daughter for making the decision to protect herself and her children from what she considered unhealthy from yours and her relationship. Maybe you should consider how she would have written this blog given the opportunity from her perspective, instead of blindly playing the victim and not even questioning what brought your daughter to this decision.
It astounds me that you would ‘totally’ cut your mother out of your life because in your mind she lacks empathy, puts herself first, and has a narrow minded perspective of always being right. Quite frankly, dear ‘child adult’s that you are also describing yourself. My loving advice to you is to call your mother. Warmly, Honey
Oh my. I have an ES for 4 years now. It has been to single most difficult thing I have ever gone through. It is a very long and very complicated story but even though all the details are different for each of us, the ultimate outcome is the same, estrangement.
The one thing you did not mention in your processes was forgiveness. I have to forgive him. I won’t ever forget and I will still get angry and sad but I can’t get through this without forgiving him
You are right. I did not mention, forgiveness. It was not done on purpose. I suppose I did not mention it because I do not feel it. But, if my daughter were to return, I would allow the past to be the past. How would I feel in the depth of my being? I don’t know. Do I think she will return? I have no answer, but I have a thought…no. Thank you for writing to me, Carolynn. Warmly, Honey
You are only as happy as your least happy child. My mother told me this when I was young, I didn’t understand it until I had children. I wish the best for you and your daughter.
Thank you very much for wishing me the best, Carole. I know the expression well and it is true. Warmly, Honey
What perfect timing is your article. I’m the companion of a dear man who loss his wife to Alzheimer’s. We met before her death. We became good friends and, after her death, through a strange turn of events beyond our control, I ended up moving in with him. To this day, neither one of us can explain how our relationship came about. We just knew it was right and have remained happy (2.5 years). However, his adult kids hate it because the bipolar daughter creates regular drama, most recently involving the other two. Frankly, they behave as though their dad is supposed to follow their mom in death and they can collect. He is fed up with them telling him how he is supposed to live and I wish I knew how to bring them all together before he feels force to distance himself. They don’t seem to understand, let alone accept, that their dad deserves a future and deserves a life outside them. Until your article, I had no idea that the problem might take much longer, if ever, to resolve. Patience is needed.
Remember: every child no matter their age sees themselves as children. Yes, they are being selfish and one has emotional problems. I think their dad should sit down with them and acknowledge their feelings ( which are real because it is hard for kids at any age to see their mom or dad happy with another partner.) and tell them also, that living with you will never change the love he feels for their mom. On your part, just be their friend. Warmly, Honey
I am so sorry that you too know such deep sorrow. Most of the time I am in a state of acceptance and am able to feel joy and happiness, thanks to meditation and practicing Qigong. Sometimes I slip and go down the worm hole but at least I can climb out!!
Thank you for sharing your pain and your recovery. You are so genuine.❤
Thank you for writing to me. And, thank you for the compliment. The pain and sadness will never vanish for me; I do try and accept but that is really impossible too. But, I do live a productive life and I share have many many happy and loving times with others. I do my best. And, you must too. We have no other choice. Warmly, Honey
Honey, thank you so very, very much. My story is probably much akin to a lot of others. Two years ago my brother died and left a rather large estate. My daughter, my only child except for my two wonderful step sons, had the impression she was to be the sole beneficiary and it turned out that she was except for several very substantial IRA’s on which I was named beneficiary. She never forgiven me for inheriting the major portion of the estate. The night she came to tell me she was sole beneficiary she didn’t know about the IRAs. She brought her son and husband with her. The conversation became heated on her part. She got so out of control she physically attacked me. Although her home is on my property I never see her nor does she call to check on us. I am 88. I might hear from my grandson by phone every few months. He is my only grandchild. He and his wife have two daughters, my great grands, ages 12 and 13. My husband and I adore them but now never get to see them, My heart is broken and I still get teary and occasionally rant and rave to myself and to my wonderful husband. My only means of maintaining my health and sanity has been to turn it over to God without trying to tell Him what to do. God has messaged me to just leave it alone and that is what I have done. I guess that means I have ACCEPTED it. My heart still hurts 💔 but life goes on and I am happy and joyful most of the time. I miss those two precious little girls more than I miss their grandmother, my daughter. Thank you so very much for this post. I needed it! I will take advantage of the article and things you suggested. With much love to you, another broken-hearted mother, I am grateful for your very wise words and for sharing your heartbreak with us. Much love 💕👩🏻💕
Dear LuAnn, Like you I am mentally and physically exhausted from this situation. Like you I am happy and joyful most of the time. I will never understand how any adult child can live with themselves when they deprive their children of a grandmother and great grandmother. That in my mind is the epitome of cruelty. Our grands need us. We need out grands. If an adult child wants to leave the nest, that is his or her choice to make. In my mind, it is a cruel choice on their part to take our grandchildren with them. I know your grandchildren love you. One day, they hopefully will return. I know they love you. How can they not! Sending love to you…Honey
A year and a half ago, my oldest daughter decided to cut me and her middle sister out of her life and I haven’t seen my granddaughters in almost a year. I’m about to go to court for grandparent visitation rights … I don’t know if I’ll win or lose but I pray my lawyer is successful in getting me some visitation days each month or week. We shall see. I’ve tried numerous times to reach out to my daughter and she acts so hateful towards me. I don’t even know what happened that was so bad she felt she had to cut us out of her life and the kids’ lives. And I’m tired. So very tired of the pain and heartache that goes along with being cut off like this. I feel your pain, also, in your story and I appreciate you letting us know we are not alone. I pray for peace and strength for all of us experiencing these painful days without our loved ones. I will always love my daughter but I may have to learn to love her from afar with no contact. I also pray this case is successful in granting me visitations with my three beautiful granddaughters. I can’t imagine my life without them in it. Anyone who will pray for me, thank you. With all my heart I thank you.
🙏🏼 EH
Hi EH- Losing an adult child because she decides to take a hike is like a death. I know your pain. I realized, just lately, we have to go through the 4 steps of mourning to heal from the loss. Only then can you move on. First is disbelief, then anger and finally acceptance. It is a physical and emotional phenomenon that just happens in one’s mind. I know because I was a young widow. This does not occur over night. I went through stage 1 and 2 over 6 years until I woke up one day and acceptance tapped me on my shoulder. You have to mourn and grieve to heal.
You have to become angry until you can finally accept. I know I was a decent mom. A good mom. A loving mom. She will have to live with her disrespect and bullying. I am now a free spirit. I have gone through the process and survived. And so will you. Warmly, Honey
I don’t understand what you meant saying you took the high road when maybe you should have roared. What actions are considered the high road and what would be roaring? I don’t have the best relationship with my daughter. She is barely cordial and tells me nothing is wrong. Thankfully I do see my grands.
Taking the high road means you do not stoop to the level of others who act inappropriately. I should have stopped her; driven to her home and insisted on a conversation. I implore you to nip this in the bud if at all possible with a heart to heart conversation. Keep in touch. Warmly, Honey
My 44-year-old daughter has been estranged on and off from our family for 15 years. This situation affects us ( her parents but also her brother and sister. We noticed that she was having some issues during college with a roommate, which we thought was resolved. After graduating from college and getting her first job in her field, she became odd. Claiming coworkers were being nasty to her and that they could hear everything she thought and said, even on her car radio. These events caused me to think that maybe something horrific happened, but she couldn’t express herself, so my husband and I convinced her to get some help. My daughter decided after a few sessions that this treatment wasn’t necessary. She got a new job and bought a house ( with our help) and seemed to be better, but after a short time, that changed. She became rude and distant to me. Everything completely fell apart when I blew up at her for being rude in public. I apologized later that day without any response from her.
I feel that she is mentally ill, but she hasn’t been diagnosed. I do feel that she is schizophrenic. She doesn’t believe that we are her parents( she calls us by our first names), although we did a DNA test to prove otherwise. Over the years she has refused contact and she doesn’t even acknowledge her 6-year-old nephew or come to any family celebration. She has missed both of her grandparent’s funerals. I have kept in contact by text or call once a week to make sure that she is okay. Her response is intermittent and vague unless she needs money. I know that she cannot live with us, so I will do anything for her to keep her in her house. She has also become a hoarder and starts projects that she is unable to finish.
With my background in psychology, I have learned to listen, not make any suggestions or judgments, and focus on the things that matter to her ( like her dog). This is difficult, but it is the only way that I can cope and have any type of relationship with my daughter.
You are a good mother. I would do what you are doing to help her. This actions help you. You are not carrying the burden of guilt. You are carrying the burden of sadness but that is not of your doing. Warmly, Honey
As a daughter in an estranged relationship with my own mother, I can say for a fact this article is a prime example, in a separate article about estranged mother’s spinning a narrative in blogs, and one aspect is always the same. They never mention what the child told them was the reason they were cutting them out of their lives. Convenient, right? People do not just cut people out of their lives for “no good reason.” This is riddled with red flags and should be scrutinized as something simply designed to fit the narrative of playing “victim,” which is a widely known strategy by estranged mother’s/grandmother’s in these situations. I suggest everyone read this:
https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html?fbclid=IwY2xjawFFO6ZleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHQiggMHXUS66o0QTcz2D5NXEj0gnKmRyw6bwGYPoQI-S7j1ObQ0_HNeGZQ_aem_mgK2iw6XZkyIZnSTDDXHpQ&sfnsn=mo
Good morning Steph: I assume you explained to your mother the reason for the estrangement. I applaud your wisdom. As a mother of an estranged daughter for seven years she will not tell me the reason(s.) I wish she had your wisdom because if she would we possibly could reconnect. In my private facebook group of over 15,000 estranged mothers and grandmothers more than half do not know the reason for radical estrangement. And, they are suffering like I am. If you know a way to reach out to my daughter,I welcome a response. Thank you for writing to me. Warmly, Honey
Honey,
I appreciate you creating a community for women to find relief. We all need support no matter which “side” we are on. However, I find both your purpose and stance on estrangement for the parents/grandparents alarming. No adult child picks estrangement because they don’t want to communicate. It’s for many reasons but the biggest reason is because their communications have fallen on deaf ears. Your particular situation of your own daughter suggests the same. Haven’t you
essentially created her into a black sheep from not only her whole family but also the world by constantly publicizing it in this blog multiple times? The pain of estrangement is so deep and cutting on both sides but creating a lifestyle centered on the joy you can find once you let “your bitter adult children be” is a very seductive philosophy that doesn’t actually heal the riffs whatever they maybe. I won’t pain you with the details of my own reasoning of why I’ve chosen more firm boundaries with my own parents (believe me they are all the valid ones you speak of) but I will leave you with this thought. When I chose to cut myself off from my parents for a time to heal it brought the most devastating depression I’ve ever experienced in my life, far past the post partum depression and the chronic mild depression I’ve fought so valiantly on and off most of my life. I felt like a tree that had cut its roots off and I was free falling through space and as I sank into this deep depression I kept hearing “I’m alone…I’m alone…I’m alone” the thought and fear I’ve held onto my whole life while looking past abuse and feeling more alone with family then when I was by myself, I could finally hear that terrifying thought I’ve had as a little child and now I could actually accept that by letting go of what wasn’t serving me. The biggest motivator for me considering estrangement was this….i cannot hold onto my relationship with my parents hoping one day they will be something else while trying to simultaneously give my all to my beautiful children and my wonderful husband the best of me and the best life I can actually live is one in which I don’t have that same loop of interactions hindering the way I can show up as a mother to my own children in this world. You say honor thy parents, but have you consider the biggest honor any parents could ever give is honoring the very life and hope the future has, which is the children we have now? That is what most people feel. Please consider not preaching this dangerous philosophy. What we need is honest conversations with humility on both sides. Nobody is perfect. It’s so hard to not love my parents, it’s not natural for me but once I realized my own ability to mother my children was in jeopardy by the harmful family dynamics and secretive past of abuse, I could not give out the get of jail card I was giving so freely before. The mind is a funny thing. As people in general we will forget important details and even glaringly obvious situations and misgivings that over time can take a destructive toll on an individual overall well being. The mind is good at convincing itself we did the best we can but did we? If you care at all for a generation of adult children who are suffering and made attempts to communicate, I would encourage your followers to turn inward and ask themselves, did they? Its uncomfortable sitting with that and it’s easier to say all is well, you did your best and your adult children are bitter and their mental health is in no part a reflection of the environment and parenting they were subjected to, but that’s not the truth and I do believe we need to let go and forgive, that is good. I do so and have done so but I can’t forgive someone who doesn’t take ownership in what they have done or how they show up in my life if the continue to do so without considering how their behavior has an impact on me and the grandchildren they say they love so much. I hope you can instill the reality of that in your core group of followers, otherwise you’ve missed the mark.
Every mother in my group of over 20,000 has tried to communicate with their estranged child. Apologies don’t work. Trust me.For some reason the estranged adult child sees it as weakness. I never abused my daughter. I never made my daughter feel like the black sheep of the family. My children lost their father. I remarried. Once a parent passes away or there is a divorce in the family, a family is never, unfortunately, whole again.The problem in my family began a few years after my marriage. You seemed so pained and I can understand and I am so sorry for your pain. I wonder if my daughter feels as you do. My advice is to talk with your husband and make a plan to reconcile for the sake of you and your children. Your children are innocent partners with you because they witness the estrangement. Monkey see. Monkey do is truer than you believe because the apple does not fall far from the tree – unless the tree is on a hill. You know when I was growing up my mom and I quarreled regularly. Moms and daughters tend to. But, even when I knew my mom was wrong, I would cross my fingers behind my back and say, “Mom I am sorry.” Why? Because of respect and because I appreciated the good she taught me. Of course, I was not abused physically. You mentioned abuse. Let your anger fad. Look for the one good quality in you mom and dwell on that. You will sleep so much better at night – because I know you are feeling pain. Reach out to me again. Thank you for expressing yourself. I will think of you in my musings in the future. Warmly, Honey
hello here
Hello back! Warmly, Honey