Let’s talk about the one thing you must do after a breakup…
It’s over. You forgot how excruciating breakups are. The minute you open your eyes in the morning, the heaviness rushes back into your chest and it hurts so much that you can barely breathe. That is if you’re lucky enough to be able to sleep at all.
Almost everyone has this experience at least once. Life can be challenging and none of us gets through it without a few bruises. Unfortunately, heartache is part of the deal.
If you’re going through this right now, first of all, I’m sorry and I’m sending you love. I know how it is and I’ve been there.
Mourn The Loss
One of the best things you can do for yourself and your future is to take the time to mourn your loss.
A breakup is a real loss and it can be difficult to navigate in the world in which we live. We’re often encouraged to just get over it and go out and find someone new. There isn’t much space for grieving in our culture in general.
There are no rituals for breakups, such as wakes or funerals. We’re usually expected to navigate these very real losses all alone.
Have a Relationship Funeral
Having a relationship funeral can help. Set aside some time to cry, feel sad, and say all the things you wanted to say to the person who broke your heart. You can light a candle, burn some incense, and write a letter to your ex (I don’t recommend that you send it, this is just for you).
When you’ve written everything out, you can get up, shake it off, take a few deep breaths and write a letter to yourself from him. Say all the things you wish he would have said to you, such as; he really did love you, he’s sorry, he wishes you well.
Play some sad music, call a friend, let yourself lay face down on the floor and totally ruin your makeup. Have at it.
Write What You’re Thankful For & Your Lessons
When you’re done, you can pick yourself up and write out what you’re thankful for and what you learned, and say goodbye.
You can burn the things you wrote outside and release them to the four winds, then go back inside and get some Epsom salt and light a Himalayan salt lamp. Get into the shower and scrub yourself with the salt. Start with your neck and go down. Then run a hot bath and sit and soak. This can be very soothing.
There are no quick fixes for heartbreak, but these suggestions can help you process the loss. It sure beats burying the pain and having it come back later. Do yourself a favor and deal with it now. Your future self will thank you.
Please know that I’m pulling for you and that better days are coming soon.
Have you recently gone through a breakup or heartbreak? What are some of your suggestions for dealing with it? We’d love to know. Please write your thoughts in the comments at the bottom of this page.
Author bio: Renée Suzanne is a coach for smart, successful women who want to find love. She helps women go from heartbroken to happily married. She believes that true love is possible for anyone who’s willing to create the conditions in her life for it to flourish. She’s been featured in The Huffington Post, Glamour, and Tiny Buddha. When she’s not saving women’s love lives you may find her curled up on the couch with a glass of wine and a good book or out on a hike with her husband. Her two books, “Beloved – How to go from relationship challenged to relationship-ready” and “Ten things you can do to upgrade your love life” are available on Amazon. Want more love in your life? Check out her free audio course at reneesuzannecoaching.com.
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Gosh, I wish I had this advice many years ago when I experienced a very painful breakup. I recall my body hurting physically, breathing was even difficult. I know you have helped many with this advice – thank you!
Thank you for your comment. I think we all experienced the sadness and difficulty in a break-up.That is now in your past, thank goodness. Warmly, Honey
Thanks for this great column. I broke off a relationship a bit over a year ago. Five years together and engaged for for three. I’m so thankful I didn’t try to date again until I Know I’m good and ready. ( Butterflies, ok.) A singles group is having an event early next month. I just might be ready!
Good for you to end a relationship that was not working. Get yourself out there and go to the Singles Group. One never knows…Warmly, Honey
You are absolutely spot on here Susan, so much advice after a breakup is around moving on, how to forget your ex etc. But like any loss, you do need time to “grieve” I think. As long as you can control it and not get too depressed then it is important to take some to mourn the loss of your relationship.
Thank you, Carolyn, I agree. Every loss is a trauma and you must grieve in order to heal. Warmly, Honey
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WOW! What a story. I am amazed. Thank you for sharing. Warmly, Honey
I am happy today with my family. My name is Erin Lucas in USA, My husband left me for a good 2 years now, and i love him so much, i have been looking for a way to get him back since then. i have tried many options but he did not come back, until i met a friend that darted me to Dr Ilekhojie a spell caster, who helped me to bring back my husband after 2 weeks. Me and my
husband are living happily together today, That man is great, dr.Ilekhojies contact gethelp05@gmail.com or call +2348147400259
What a lovely spiritual happening. I am so happy for you. Warmly, Honey
I have been divorced for 10 years, and had 3 serious relationships in the time since, always taking time in between to heal/ work on myself. The first 2 broke it off with me, and I took it pretty hard but handled myself well. Both of them came back wanting to reconcile, years later, and I was SO GLAD to have moved on. But this third one? He dumped me last week and I’m wrecked. This has me feeling just gutted, like someone died. It was only a year and a half but I KNEW I had finally found it. He was nothing like the others. Imagine meeting the Love of your Life at age 54! Omg it made my 12 year rocky marriage and subsequent decade of midlife dating hell all seem worth it if this is my final pay-off. Well… Apparently he didn’t think so. I am not as resilient as I used to be. It just seems so wrong. I know I have to accept it. But my heart refuses to do so. He was so hard to find. Soulmates, I swear. I can’t keep starting over, over and Over. I know I’m not elderly but I’m not young any more either. I know how to be alone, I just don’t want to be. But I think it would be better than going through this kind of pain again.
HELP.
You are young and have half your life ahead of you.This is not the time to give up. You are resilient. You are going through a mourning period of loss so naturally you are feeling helpless and drained, When you can think clearly sit down and write yourself a letter asking yourself what happened that the relationship did not work out. Did you have the same interests? Did you have the same values? Did your families interfere? What were his reasons for wanting out of the relationship? I married a man with my values and my interests and my emotional make-up. We are in sync without trying! But, we do have our trials at times. Don’t give up the ship!! Pick yourself up and start all over again but maybe with a better understanding of who you are and what you really need. Did I help? Warmly, Honey
Dear Honey, I am so sorry for the belated response to your kind reply. I had no idea that you had replied to my comment until I revisited your post today! Yes, you did help, to whatever extent I can be reached.. Thank you very much. It still hurts. I still want a reunion! ugh. I wasn’t like this with the others. Never used the word “Soulmate” in my life prior to him. It took 10 hard post-divorce years to find him. I loved being with him more than ANY man I have been with, in 35 years of adult life. Nobody else even came close.
…Anyway, I know the drill. Pick myself up. Again and again. At this point I wish I were one of those women who have just stopped looking for a mate. They seem happy and content. I can’t take another heartbreak.
..Okay, very sorry for the Self-Pity rambling.. I understand about self-care, etc. And I have 2 daughters. Must Not set an example of weakness and misery.. Sigh.. Thanks again though. I was surprised and truly grateful to receive your compassion and wisdom. You do a wonderful job and I really appreciate it.
P.S. CORRECTION: I should have proof-read. Meant to type “Susan” not just your “Honey” monikker.. : )
No Problem. I prefer, Honey to Susan. Warmly, Honey
I prefer Honey so no problem.Yes, pick your self up because the alternative will not serve ‘you’ well. You must grieve your loss. That is far from weakness. it is feeling necessary and sad emotion before you can go on. It is up to you to diagnosis why this relationship soured. This takes time and thought. You want to have another soulmate so don’t try and make yourself happy being alone because other women are. You want to be you. Warmly, Honey
Thanks so much. And yes, I know you’re right on all of the above. .. So glad you are here.
Hello again Honey, well, I felt compelled to reach out to you again, since you made such a difference in my early stage grieving. I still feel sad, still want him (but am working on Acceptance and Moving On because I do want a mate, once I am healed and ready), and YES realize that I must serve my own soul needs , not just “be strong” for my daughters. Thank you for the perspective-check. Along those lines, I joined medium and posted a blog. I hope it’s okay to share here too?https://medium.com/@annevitiello/why-i-will-live-for-my-harley-not-my-grandkids-fde5db66fe45
Hay Annie, Want to be a contributor and write forHoneygood.com? Read your ‘I will live for my harley not my grandkids’ H and loved it. Let me know and I will send you some information from Kayla about becoming a writer on HG.You rock. Warmly, Honey
Dear Honey, I had been married twice and both were narcs, the second one even worse than the first. He was extremely controlling and verbally and emotionally abusive. His car had broke down so he used mine to get to work and did not go shopping so I had nothing to eat but cereal and bread…I am not making this up, we lived way out in the country so I had no way to get to the store. Anyway, I finally left not long after I got my car back. I forgot to mention that I am disabled with Lupus, RA, Fibromyalgia, CFS and a multitude of other medical conditions. After being divorced from him for 6 years, I met the love of my life…my soulmate. I have never been treated the way he treated me with so much love, compassion and respect. He was what I had been looking for all my life. We met when I was 59, I thought I was too old for that to happen…I am now 62. I can’t get into everything because it would take too long but I was in Heaven. 5 days ago my world came crashing down..without any warning or explanation he said he didn’t want to be in a relationship. Without getting into a personal issue he has, I know for a fact there is no one else. He had even asked me to marry him this past Summer and I said yes of course. Now I am feeling pain like I had never experienced in my life. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat..I don’t want to talk to anyone. I feel so lost and alone…I just don’t know what to do. All I do is cry and cry some more…at times I feel like I can’t go on. I’ve had so many losses the past four years…my mom, my best friend I grew up with, and 2 very close friends I’ve known for 20 years. I’ve also lost 4 of my precious cats I raised from kittens. I want to be with my mom and best friend so badly…not feel this excruciating pain anymore.
I will answer you on Ask Honey. Go to Honeygood.com on Thursday and read my advice.Warmly, Honey
Hi honey.. I’ve been married to my husband for 33 years and we have children. our youngest are 15 and 16 yrs old. My husband is a narcissist he’s a man I’ve come to not know any more but I’ve loved him all my life and I still do… but he got upset with me 2 weeks ago and now he’s not answering my calls or my texts. this is not the first time he’s abandoned us. the first time he moved me n our 2 daughters out of province to another province… we live in Canada… he moved us to a city where we had no family and we knew no-one. well he decided he was just going to leave us there alone after being with us for 2 or 3 months… me n my daughters struggled. we lived there for 3 yrs without his help… he’d call us once in a while. then he decides to come crawling back to me… promising me the world… then he moves us back to our home town just a couple months ago just to abandon us again!! I’m sooo lost and confused. is this how the rest of my life is suppose to be?? crying and crying feeling worthless till he decides he’s going to feel sorry for us and come begging me to take him back? just to desert us again?… I’m sooo hurt and lost at the moment… I sure could use some guidance and I have no-one I talk to about my life. how can I get passed this hurt n pain without going insane? problem is I still love him and where do I go from here?
Where there is a will, there is a way. I will answer your heartfelt note to me this Thursday on my blog, Ask Honey. Stay safe. Be strong. Warmly, Honey
About a month ago, my boyfriend and I took a break from our relationship (he’s 59; I’m 58). We got together 5 1/2 years ago after he sent me a FB friend request. He remembered me from 6th grade (we went to the same school system). Once we finally met after all these years (both divorced), we felt we were suppose to be together since the beginning of time. He said he’s loved me since 6th grade. We’ve been best friends, soulmates, and totally in love. Then, about a year ago he couldn’t handle the fact that I actually had sex while in high school (with 1 guy I dated for years) and he began to torture me about this and another guy that he hated and thinks I had sex with in high school (I told him he molested/raped me…I really can’t remember). So, this “we belong together” relationship has ended up with him in therapy and me knowing it’s over. We all know that therapy can be very one sided, and how can a therapist even wrap their heads around him being disgusted about something that happened over 45 years ago! And, we weren’t even friends in 6th grade through high school. Both got married; both got divorced after 25 year marriages. I’m now crushed. I thought he was the perfect match for me. I can’t believe at my age I have to go through such heartache. It definitely makes me put a shell of protection around my heart. I’m so very sad.
Thank you for this. It is very comforting to know that we are not alone in our grief. I have and still do grieve what was lost and am trying to approach forgiveness but it is hard. Your tips are appreciated.
Would you have any advice on what to do when you must see an ex at your daughters wedding after you’ve been discarded and are still raw?
How to face it like an adult with emotional control for her sake and not implode. Bittersweet indeed.
Thank you
That is a hard one. I am imaging how I would feel. I would think to myself when I saw him, ” I will be a good role model for my daughter.” I would say a polite hello and I might consider taking an escort, a close friend as my date. I would take the high road. Warmly, Honey