Big News! I am releasing a brand new e-book in March. The subject matter is Estranged Adult Children. Healing from estrangement is possible, and my new e-book addresses the challenges faced by estranged families, taking a good mother from shock to acceptance and showing her how to pick up the pieces of her life and thrive.
While writing this e-book, I reflected on my life as a good mother of estranged daughters and decided it was essential for me to become the witness, the judge, and the jury.
Because, isn’t it a fact that though a good parent’s ‘crime’ does not fit the punishment, there are two sides to every break-up? Communication is necessary to ensure reconciliation and higher-than-average expectations from a parent often come into play. The in-laws can play a role, too. Or, an adult child may want to talk but feels hopeless and needs better communication skills. They may feel it is more accessible to leave the nest than have a feared confrontation. They just want out. But in their heart of heart, do they?
There are a variety of reasons why adult children become estranged. Unfortunately, this phenomenon is rampant. Recently, The New York Times estimated that there were over 67 million estranged parents. The list is growing. In these situations, everyone is a loser.
If you are one of the millions of mothers affected by estrangement, I invite you to join my private Facebook Group: Estranged Mothers and Grandmothers: Millions Strong.
Understanding Family Estrangement
Family estrangement is a complex and multifaceted issue that affects many individuals and families. It can be defined as the breakdown of a relationship between family members, typically between parents and their adult children. This breakdown can result in the ending of communication between the individuals, leading to feelings of isolation, guilt, and shame. Family estrangement can be caused by various factors, including unrealistic expectations, unmet needs, and unresolved conflicts. It’s essential to understand that family estrangement is not a personal failure, but rather a common experience that many people face.
REASONS FOR THE FAMILIAL ESTRANGEMENT
The reasons for estrangement are as diverse as the people experiencing it!
It could be attributed to the adult child’s expectations of his or her mother’s role, or the lack of communication between adult child and parent, often stemming from underlying family conflict. Maybe we can blame the unfortunate family unit breakdown in society. The estrangement could be connected to the dysfunction in the family because of divorce, remarriage, or the death of a parent, jealousy, money, in-laws, mental health problems, his or her husband, and the list goes on.
The Decision to Go No Contact
The decision to go no contact with a family member is a deeply personal and often difficult choice. It may be necessary for individuals who have experienced emotional or physical abuse, neglect, or toxic behavior from a family member. Going no contact can be a way to protect oneself from further harm and to prioritize one’s own mental health and well-being. However, it’s essential to consider the potential consequences of this decision, including feelings of guilt, shame, and isolation. It’s also important to seek support from trusted friends, family members, or mental health professionals during this challenging time.
AS A WITNESS
I am a good mother with estranged adult children.
Over seven years ago, my daughter told me four words: “Mom, you wouldn’t understand.” But I would, and I feel she knows that.
Truth be told, and I am sitting on the witness stand: This daughter of mine lacks communication skills when put to the test. In my heart of hearts I know, she prefers me out of her life and out of the lives of my grandchildren. Her actions are her weapon and burden.
I know my daughter, and I don’t think she rests easily. She captained a ship of innocent family players. Her children and my grandchildren, who naturally show loyalty to their mother. This is very unfortunate for us all.
If my daughter had wisdom, she would show her vulnerability and end this onslaught and call me and say, “Mom, I want to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk.” She knows I would open my arms and welcome the discussion. Unfortunately, she has chosen to live with her pain and create pain for her mother and the grandmother of her children.
As the witness on the stand, my mind is filled with unpleasant emotions: shock, sadness, loneliness, anger, and enragement towards myself for not putting a stop to her foolhardy mission where nobody wins and everyone loses.
Like many good mothers, I do not know the actual reason(s) for the behavior. I can only surmise and take the steps to heal from estrangement.
STRUCK BY SHOCK
When I became a rejected mother and grandmother, I was caught off balance. The feeling of rejection took my breath away, and I felt like an undercurrent in the sea pulled me under; I could not see my breath. When I came up for air, shock ran through me, and all I could say was, “Oh no.”
This is the beginning of the eighth year of our estrangement. My grandchildren and I have missed ‘our right’ to enjoy one another.
As the ultimate ‘see the glass half full woman that I am, this has been a unique period of pain and an opportunity for self-reflection. Shock does that.
For eight years, I have sought to understand where I went wrong in our relationship and how to move forward without a family. To replace shock with acceptance. As I sought to understand where I went wrong in our relationship, I also had to focus on moving forward without a family, replacing shock with acceptance.
LESSONS OF SHOCK AND GRIEF
Over time I have learned that all consciences are unequal, though I question why. A subtle distrust of others’ motives has affected my own behavior, causing me to become far more selective in my relationships. I have learned you have to mourn the loss of children who are still living before you can see the horizon. Most recently, I learned never to stay silent with my wants and desires and for what I believe in. Silence is not always golden.
I feel that I am worthy while having spent hours reflecting on my character, and I understand it is therapeutic to unburden feelings. It is healthy to stew over family situations and even boil over! Most importantly, I know even with my flaws, my so-called crimes do not fit the punishment of estrangement.
I am proud that I raised my children with sound values, but I am sad that they are so confused that they cannot see the forest from the trees. Not only are hurting their mother, but they are also setting a terrible example for their children.
Mothers die, and children mourn. My daughters have a mom, and they have buried me.
MY HAND ON THE BIBLE
While writing my e-book, I placed my hand on the Bible and sat in the witness box. Good mothers, you will be able to do the same in the workbook in my e-book. As wise women, we know every situation has two sides: right or wrong; the estranged adult child leaves the nest for a reason. As wise women, we know that even well-meaning actions can inadvertently contribute to the complexity of estrangement. When we write our thoughts down, we help ourselves find the tools to reunite with our estranged child, siblings, friends, or other family members and recognize positive solutions so we can go on with our lives.
As good moms, I think we should aim for reconciliation. It is positive thinking. Once we are past the daunting anger phase and spend time self-reflecting, we should replace our anger with good thoughts, care for our minds and bodies, and live our lives to the fullest.
Yes, anger will come and go, but instead of sitting on the front burner of your mind, it is now on the back burner giving you space to examine your self-worth.
ON THE WITNESS STAND: HEALING FROM ESTRANGED ADULT CHILD
Looking back over time, beginning with the death of their father, I believe one daughter misses me and thus her anger, and the other daughter, though she loves me, is glad I am no longer a part of her large family, highlighting the complexities of familial estrangement.
The death of their father and remarriage to my ultimate concierge was a significant loss for both, and the daughter who started the estrangement was also unnerved by my website, honeygood.com, and disapproved of my stories. I think the loss of two parents, though I am alive, and honeygood.com created the schism. One daughter missed me terribly even though she moved with her family out of state, and the other, who started the schism in my family said, “Mom, you wouldn’t understand.” A total cop-out as far as I am concerned. As I stated, she wanted me ‘out.’ Everyone lost, including her.
Rebuilding Trust with a Family Member
Rebuilding trust with a family member can be a long and challenging process. It requires effort and commitment from both parties involved. The first step towards rebuilding trust is to acknowledge the hurt and pain caused by the estrangement. This can involve taking responsibility for one’s own actions and apologizing for any harm caused. It’s also essential to establish clear boundaries and communicate openly and honestly with each other. Rebuilding trust requires patience, empathy, and understanding, and it may involve seeking the help of a therapist or counselor.
Navigating Difficult Conversations
Navigating difficult conversations with family members can be a daunting task, especially when there is a history of conflict or estrangement. However, it’s essential to communicate openly and honestly with each other to resolve issues and rebuild relationships. This can involve active listening, empathy, and assertiveness. It’s also important to set clear boundaries and prioritize one’s own needs and feelings. Seeking the help of a therapist or counselor can be beneficial in navigating these difficult conversations and rebuilding relationships.
MY ERRORS: OWN BEHAVIOR
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I didn’t understand that a child is always a child, whether it is someone else’s or your own child, whether six years old or 60. Now I do.
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I fell in love and remarried. Mourning for my late husband lasted a year and a day. I married a year later.
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I put my ultimate concierge first and created a solid and loving marriage while simultaneously creating a schism with my daughters. They missed me. My husband was not like their father.
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My Silence. I should have stopped the daughter who started the estrangement. I should have driven to her home and said, “Let’s talk and solve the situation.” Instead, I took the high road — I sent very loving gifts with notes to her home. For seven years, I kept my silence with the daughter who initiated the family estrangement. I thought it would go away.
TO THE JURY
I take responsibility for my errors, and have paid dearly for them—almost 8 years.
Despite many attempts to call for meetings, my several requests have been turned down.
My daughters’ expectations of their mother do not fit my punishment.
I think their expectations need examination through verbal communication with their mom, while I continue to focus on my own life.
I rest my case.
THE VERDICT AND MOVING FORWARD
The future is not ours to see. Support groups can play a crucial role in providing the optimism, attitude, knowledge, experience, and loving heart needed to navigate the future. But everything is possible with optimism, attitude, knowledge, experience, and a loving heart (the recipe for my favorite emotional potion). That is how I live my life, and … I can confidently say that.
No one will ever rob me of my smile, love of life, love for others, and gratitude; I count my blessings daily. I am a fierce woman over fifty who says this with pride, a big smile, and naturally, wearing red lipstick and my favorite perfume, Baccarat 540!
Copy my attitude, good mothers! Amen.
IF THERE IS SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE TRYING TO HEAL FROM ESTRANGEMENT, CONSIDER SENDING THEM THIS STORY!
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Honey, my heart breaks for you. Look how you treated your own dear mother all those years. Like the Queen she was. Is there there anyone who can “speak” for you? Like a professional who can intercede. My prayers are with you as always.
That may be just what I should do. I will think on that. Thank you. xo Honey