Once you understand what gaslighting is, you’re more likely to stand up for yourself and surrender to peace.

Gaslighting, Family Estrangement, and Surrender

Family estrangement is a complex and multifaceted phenomenon, often stemming from a variety of factors such as communication breakdowns, ideological differences, and unresolved conflicts. Changes made by one member can disrupt the equilibrium of the family system, leading to conflict and resistance from other members. This illustrates the challenges faced when navigating the complexities of familial relationships and the potential for chaos in the face of transformation.

This story is written for the tens of thousands of good mothers, grandmothers, grandchildren, and all the other women who have been gaslighted by another person.

Understanding Family Estrangement

Family estrangement is a complex and multifaceted phenomenon that can manifest in different ways. It is often described as a form of “living loss” by individuals experiencing it, as it involves the cessation or reduction of a previously existing relationship between family members. This can be a painful and difficult experience, especially when it involves a parent-child relationship. Family estrangement can be caused by various factors, including emotional abuse, neglect, substance use, mental health issues, and ideological differences.

Family estrangement is not just a break in communication; it is a profound emotional and psychological experience that can leave individuals feeling isolated and misunderstood. The pain of estrangement is often compounded by the societal expectation that family relationships should be unbreakable. When these bonds are severed, it can feel like a personal failure, but it is important to remember that estrangement is often a necessary step to protect one’s mental health and well-being.

Gaslighting Another Person is Emotional Abuse

Gaslighting is when someone manipulates you into believing something that isn’t true. Gaslighting can manipulate others who know you to believe something about you that is false. It is a form of emotional abuse where a person attempts and often succeeds in distorting the reality of the other person(s) to gain control.

The act of gaslighting is defined by the American Psychological Association as follows: “To manipulate another person into doubting their perceptions, experiences, or understanding of events.” It can induce mental illness.

“There are no accidents. The only accident is when a woman does not take hold of a conversation that might help her and act!” — Honey Good

The word, gaslight was introduced in the 1938 play Gas Light and later made into a film, where it became one word. The movie is a classic. The word not only appears in pop culture but also psychology.

Until last week, I did not know the definition of gaslighting. It originated in the pop culture scene in the 2010s and was Merriam-Webster’s word of the year in 2022

I Want to Write About Estrangement Through the Lens of Gaslighting Because…

There are thousands of strong mothers and grandmothers and their grandchildren who are being gaslighted; as well as other women experiencing other circumstances.

Click the image to watch a short video on YouTube.

A Personal Epiphany

Last week, as I was sitting in my hairdresser, Colette’s chair, I told her a personal story. We have been together a long time, and she is my therapeutic shrink in disguise! After I explained my dilemma, she looked at me and said, “You have been gaslighted big time.”

I asked, “What is gaslighting?” After explaining the definition, I fully understood. I had allowed myself to be a victim of gaslighting. And, so have most of my grandchildren. I felt a wave of anger and sadness.

The Unsung Heroes: Hairdressers and Manicurists

You can only control what you can control, it’s up to you to know what that is.

I believe, tongue in cheek, that our manicurists and hairdressers are the unsung heroes of emotional therapy! And, they offer a more affordable alternative to psychologists or psychiatrists, and often, their advice is more insightful! Why? Because a genuine conversation between two women can sometimes trump the knowledge gained from textbooks.

This is just my perspective, not a critique of any profession. In my case, my hairdresser, Colette at Salon Duo was accurate. And, by the way, she is admired by all as a great hairdresser.

“Sweet mothers, grandmothers, and other women in toxic relationships—Surrender to Bloom.” Honey Good

This conversation took place a week ago. The seriousness of my seven-year experience is plaguing me.

I ask myself, “How did I allow this to happen? How could I allow myself to be put into this position? Why didn’t I roar back when this began over seven years ago? How could I allow anyone to demean my character and hurt my grandchildren? Why was I a pushover?”

I knew my answer. As a mother and a grandmother, I wanted peace at all costs. I came from love. I always try to take the high road.

Coming from Kindness Does Not Work

Ask any estranged mother or grandmother. The more apologetic and kinder they are to their adult children, the more they are terminated as parents and grandparents. These rejected parents often face profound feelings of loss and social stigma, with no perceived benefits from the estrangement. I know because I have a free private Facebook group for estranged mothers and grandmothers. Their comments tell the story.

I Blame Myself, the Internet, and Fractured Families

I blame myself for my situation. And, I also blame the Internet and ‘young shrinks’ who teach their new philosophy: ‘It is all about me, me, and my well-being.” Well, young shrink, you are doing your young clients a disservice because it is not about me, me, me—it is about everyone in the family. And one day, those me’s are going to suffer, and so will their innocent children.

I did research on estranged parents and grandparents and found it, along with loneliness, is the silent epidemic of our times. This estrangement contributes to the phenomenon of fractured families, affecting millions of parents and their relationships with their adult children. Millions, and I mean millions, of parents are sitting in silence. They are embarrassed to discuss the estrangement for fear of being thought of as a bad parent as they suffer at the hands of their narcissistic adult children.

For doing what? Not giving them enough of their time in their minds? Not giving them enough of their money? Not being the perfect mother-in-law? There is no excuse for this disrespectful behavior save physical and emotional abuse. To bury a parent and grandparent who is alive is a dishonorable action. Healthy Communication Strategies When Disagreements Arise Between Women

On a Whim, I Decided to Help

On a whim, I decided to help mothers, grandmothers, and others who were experiencing the same horror story. Often, estrangement involves not just immediate family but also extended family members, who can play a significant role in influencing these situations and the emotional dynamics involved.

Three months ago, I started a free private Facebook group called Estranged Mothers and Grandmothers: Millions Strong. Little did I anticipate that in three months, 10,000 mothers and grandmothers would join the group, which is steadily growing.

I have spent seven years trying to heal myself from the travesty of estrangement. Going through my private mourning process that took a few years. I have a little rock that says “accept” on my perfume tray. I traveled, entertained, socialized, shopped, wrote, started new projects that peaked my interest, and on and on.

Last week, I had two epiphanies—a true moment of insight. I understood the meaning of gaslighting and learned the importance of surrendering to a hostile situation.

Join my group, we are healing together!

Surrender is a Powerful Word

For the last seven years, I have suffered every day, no matter what joys I have had in my life. That is until last week when I learned the power of surrender.

About a week ago, a woman told me a story. It had nothing to do with estrangement. She used the word, “surrender.” She told me she surrendered to her situation. She dropped her end of the rope.

Sweet mothers, grandmothers, and other women in toxic relationships—surrender.

Stop resisting what you cannot win and surrender. You will be giving yourself the opportunity to move on, replacing your negative situation with something new and positive that will bring joy.

Navigating Estrangement

Navigating estrangement can be a challenging and emotional process for all parties involved. It requires a deep understanding of the underlying causes of the estrangement and a willingness to work towards healing and reconciliation. However, in some cases, estrangement may be necessary to protect one’s physical, emotional, and mental well-being. It is essential to recognize that estrangement is not a failure, but rather a necessary step towards creating a healthier and more positive family dynamic.

The Decision to Go No Contact

The decision to go no contact with a family member can be a difficult and painful one. It often involves a deep sense of loss and grief, as well as a sense of guilt and shame. However, in some cases, it may be necessary to protect one’s own well-being and create a healthier and more positive family dynamic. It is essential to approach this decision with care and consideration, seeking support from trusted friends, family members, or mental health professionals.

Choosing to go no contact is a deeply personal decision that should be made with careful consideration. It is not about giving up on family relationships but about prioritizing one’s own mental health and safety. This decision can bring a sense of relief and empowerment, allowing individuals to reclaim their lives and focus on their own healing journey. Support from trusted friends, family members, or mental health professionals can provide the necessary guidance and reassurance during this difficult time.

The Stages of Grief and Healing

The stages of grief and healing in family estrangement are similar to those experienced after the loss of a loved one. They include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, the process of grief and healing in family estrangement can be more complex and nuanced, as it involves the loss of a relationship rather than a physical person. It is essential to seek support from trusted friends, family members, or mental health professionals to navigate this process.

Grieving the loss of a family relationship is a unique and deeply personal experience. Each stage of grief brings its own challenges and emotions, and it is important to allow oneself the time and space to process these feelings. Support from trusted friends, family members, or mental health professionals can provide a safe space to express emotions and work through the complexities of familial estrangement. Healing is a journey, and it is okay to seek help along the way.

The Role of Mental Health in Estrangement

Mental health plays a significant role in family estrangement. Research has shown that individuals who experience family estrangement are more likely to experience mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Additionally, family estrangement can exacerbate existing mental health conditions, making it essential to seek support from mental health professionals. Support groups and group therapy can also be beneficial in processing grief and healing related to family estrangement.

The impact of family estrangement on mental health cannot be overstated. The emotional toll of losing a family relationship can lead to feelings of depression, anxiety, and even PTSD. It is crucial to seek support from mental health professionals who can provide the necessary tools and strategies to cope with these challenges. Support groups and group therapy offer a sense of community and understanding, allowing individuals to share their experiences and find solace in knowing they are not alone. Healing from family estrangement is possible, and seeking help is a courageous and important step towards recovery.

Dropping the Rope

I used to think the word “accept” would bring me peace. It did not because how can a mother and grandmother accept estrangement? We cannot. But we can surrender to the lunacy of estrangement and say, “You won the war. I relinquish. Go and find someone else to gaslight while I put my energies into new possibilities.”

People think of surrender as giving up, giving in to unattainable expectations. I see surrendering as empowerment, a form of self-care. When we surrender, we reduce our anxiety, this is important for self-care or as I think of it, self-mothering.

It is a positive coping strategy that gives a sense of peace. When I say or think surrender, I actually feel my body relax. You will, too. Your efforts turn away from what you cannot control to what you can, leaving room for new possibilities.

Surrendering means accepting what is and letting go of what you have no control over. Drop the rope and let the other side live with their unhappiness.

When you surrender, you give control to yourself and your tangible reality rather than allowing others to control you, which causes you angst. You learn to trust yourself in the moment and think about new possibilities.

Embracing the Luxury of a Simple Life and Finding Peace in the Everyday

All Rejected Parents Must Surrender to Bloom

Once you understand that surrender is liberating and powerful, you will stop swimming upstream and fighting your current life situation. Once you understand that you cannot steer things in the direction you choose, you can stop struggling and embrace the flow of life trusting that things will unfold for the better.

As an estranged mother and grandmother who has suffered untold grief that has left me emotionally and physically debilitated, I have come to the conclusion after much grieving that I surrender—realizing my losses will let new life flow in. I am excited to leave my door open to new possibilities.

I believe the woman who told me her story about surrendering was sent to me for a reason. I truly do. And I will be forever grateful to her. For you see she was not giving me a lesson. She had no idea she had helped me — she shared a personal story. I grasped the meaning and related it to my situation. There are no accidents. The only accident is when a woman does not take hold of a conversation that might help her and act!

I hope I have helped you, and I hope I have opened a new window for you to consider the magic and power of surrender.

Sweet mothers, grandmothers, and other women in toxic relationships—Surrender to Bloom. Amen. Amen.

HAVE YOU SURRENDERED OR ARE YOU STILL HOLDING ON? PLEASE SHARE YOUR STORY WITH ME IN THE COMMENTS!