My mother told me before my wedding day that a woman makes a marriage, and darling, that is even more true once our husbands enter the retirement stage.

I  have been married most of my life and have two marriages under my belt to prove her words of wisdom. That is not to say our significant others do not play a larger-than-life role. It just stands to reason because women are nesters and men are hunters that women play a larger emotional role, while our guy’s role as the hunter is to bring home the bacon! Of course, I am generalizing because I know many of you help to provide the bread and butter!

Moving forward into a husband’s retirement, marriage changes a great deal.  A woman’s role becomes more demanding because her hunter hubby is no longer in ‘the hunt.’ Instead, he is underfoot! I am smiling, sort of!!

Once upon a time before Shelly retired…

Of course, I can only speak for myself! When my ultimate concierge was working- his main functions in life, in this order, were me and his work. My main function in life was doting on him. We shared a utopian lifestyle. Each morning I wished him well with a kiss and similarly welcomed him home with a kiss in the early evening. The evenings were our time and we were thrilled to spend our time sharing information about our busy day, making plans for travel, entertaining, grandchildren visits, etc.! Sound familiar?

And, then my lifestyle, like many of yours, entered a new and natural passage; the age of retirement! You know the common saying, darling, that pertains to retirement. “For better or worse, but not for lunch. This is a catch-22 for many of us, women, over the age of 50 with a retired husband; including yours truly – you’re darned if you do and you’re darned if you don’t!

A heads up for women who will eventually face this situation and trust me, you all will, the truth of the matter is many a husband need and want their wives after they retire, 24/7.

A Conversation BEFORE and AFTER his retirement

Before retirement…When my ultimate concierge was working 60 hours a week and traveling for business, the conversation went like this:

When he arrived home I would ask, “How were things at the office today?”How did your important meeting go today?” “ Who did you talk to today?” “What business or charitable dinner commitments should I put on the calendar for the month?”

After retirement…When my ultimate concierge, Sheldon F. Good retired the tables turned: “Where have you been all day?” “Who did you talk to today?” “What did you write today?”  “Where are we going tonight?” I am smiling tongue in cheek!

You see darling when our husbands or significant others were career driven, their minds were filled with providing and saving for their families. The wheels in their head were always churning. They were always busy.

When they slowed down, their minds relaxed, and they found themselves with too much additional time on their hands. To complicate matters darling, most of our guys are loners. They live in their cave. They are not gatherers like us! What do they need to fill the void…they fill their time with us, darling!

Husbands and significant others don’t gab on the phone, send emails or texts to their grands and friends, play cards, shop till they drop, and enjoy time to…simply be.   We are so busy we are dizzy. Age has no bearing on slowing us down. Friends, careers, hobbies, charities, home, – our list never ends.

 

Making wise decisions…

During this passage of our lives, we are faced with new situations that require making hard choices. If we are wise, we will know how to make the shift and give more than ever to our retired husbands while still enlightening our path. If we don’t you can be certain your relationship will falter.

A  Conversation 12 years ago…

One day I decided to pose two questions to my retired husband as we were having our morning coffee.

• What are your three top priorities?

• Are you happy that you retired?

Without hesitation, he looked up at me and said, “My three top priorities in my life are, you, you, and you. Yes, I am happy I slowed down. I worked very hard so I would not have to work all my life.”

Deeply touched by his response to my first question, I was disappointed with his answer to my second question. I wanted him to say that he missed the business world and decided not to retire!

I ultimately concluded with certainty that women continue to use their voices and stay active after the age of 50 plus. I am sorry to say when our husbands or significant others retire, a large part of their life retires along with them because their life was their career!

 

What is a wife or significant other after 50 to do?

I am reminded of a conversation I had with my husband, Sheldon F. Good about twelve years ago. The phone rang in our apartment. It was Shelly.

“What are you doing right now?”

It was a beautiful summer day, about 4:00 pm.

“I just finished bruising our pooch and am going to sit down and reread the blog that is due to my editor. I am late in getting it to her. Why? Where are you?”

“I am in the park. Just finished my book. I would love to tell you about the ending Why don’t you come down for a little while so we can talk.”

“OMG,” I  think to myself, “I don’t feel like dropping what I am doing!”

But instead, I say in a loving voice, “Of course, I will come down and meet you in the park. See you in a few.”

Why did I say this? Because darling, I adore and respect my guy. If I had said no I would have felt awful and he would have felt sad.

I close my laptop, secure Orchid’s leash (our loving pooch at that time), and the two of us girls, take the elevator down 71 stories from our apartment in the sky and walk across the street to the park where I see my ultimate concierge. My little heart melts, Orchid’s tail wagged non-stop and the smile on my husband’s face was worth the choice I made.

Recalling my feelings that day as I sat in the park with my ‘lonesome’ husband and Orchid, I felt so grateful. My husband loves me. He is interested in me. He wants to be with me. He NEEDS me.

I sat there smiling to myself as I thought about how fortunate I am that he asks me every day: “Where have you been all day?”  “ What did you write about today?” “ What are we doing tonight?”

Tomorrow, I will make him lunch because it is my pleasure to give back. It is called love and there is no greater gift in the world than to give love to my retired husband.

When your hubby or significant other retires you must consider your priorities. I cannot tell you what to do, I can only advise you on how to keep your romance alive. Before a husband retires, a successful marriage is based on doing the tango in sync. You know the saying “It takes two to tango.” After he retires, from my experience, a wife has to keep the tango going. Or your retired hubby will go into his cave!

It can be a pleasure or a bust. You can tango close or you can tango apart. How sad to tango at a distance in the later years of life. Remember the beautiful tango when you say yes, but prefer to say, no.

 

Twelve years later…

My retired husband needs me more than ever. He is twelve years older. I am his Florence Nightingale and his best friend. In certain instances, I have to take the lead. Tongue in cheek, I am a wife who likes to have her husband drive the car; not a wife who ‘always’ liked to drive the car. I am sad that this has happened but realistic in knowing this day would come because of our age difference. It has arrived and at times I am emotionally exhausted but I am fortunate to have the positive resilience and upbeat gene plus total love for my ultimate concierge.

For those of you who don’t have the ‘gene’ or your marriage is not like mine, I suggest you join a group, like my private Facebook group, Celebrate Life after 50, where many women exchange views about these types of situations. I put in my two cents on Celebrate, too.

I am weary from the past year of our life but grateful we have endured. It started over a pomegranate seed breaking my ultimate concierge’s front tooth to his detached retina surgery, to his broken wrist from falling on black ice to an aortic valve replacement, and then a problem with the ‘fake’ value needing a repair because the ‘fake value’ caused anemia! Making appointments, going to appointments, listening to doctors, and making decisions, were all-encompassing. My hubby’s positive attitude and resilience were very helpful. I cannot recall him complaining at all while I tried to keep our life as normal as possible. And, on top of all the above, he is retired!!! If I did not laugh, I would sob!!! And, darling, I have. But, I just pick myself up and do what makes me happy…the right thing.

About six weeks ago our grandson Scott Good, his wife Katy, and our two grands were visiting. I recall Scott, Katy, and I was gabbing in the kitchen when  Katy said, “You are the best wife to Papa. I wish I could be like you. And, Scott retorted, “ I wish you could, too!

I guess that says it all… marriage is a give-and-take relationship. But, as my mom said, “ A woman makes a marriage’ – isn’t that the truth?

So, figure out how you can keep your retired guy happy while validating your needs. It is a challenge and a job but worthwhile!

 

Darling, is your husband retired? How have you dealt with the transition? What’s been the hardest thing for you to overcome?