It took me a while to learn how to handle divided loyalty. I hope my story helps you to learn sooner!
*Affiliate disclosure.
I have learned that understanding how to cope with divided loyalty starts in our heads. How can a person handle divided loyalty? By finding themselves placed in the position of choosing a side.
As a woman over 50, you’ve likely established your personal thoughts on loyalty. This is a topic that I know a lot about and my thoughts on the matter have evolved over time—for the better. My hope is that you will benefit from my wisdom on the matter.
Rule #1: Loyalty Starts with Yourself
First and foremost, be loyal to yourself, your principles, and your boundaries.
This rule will serve you well when you face decisions about how to divide your loyalties within your family, friendships, workplace, or community.
As a younger woman, I struggled with how to handle loyalty, especially when faced with divided loyalties or choosing sides. My instincts guided me, but my ability to take a stand was sometimes wavering. I wanted to be loyal to both sides or avoid hurting either one. Or I sought the approval of one person over the other.
Darling, I didn’t understand that loyalty begins with self-loyalty.
Teaching Children and Grandchildren About Loyalty
Imagine young children and adults facing divided loyalties during their parents’ divorce or constant arguments. They may not know what to do, especially when one parent demands their loyalty over the other. Young children and adults may not understand Rule #1, leading to guilt, sadness, anger, and fear.
As a mother or grandmother, your goal should be to teach them Rule #1. This valuable lesson will benefit them throughout their lives. It may take time to sink in, but the more you explain and provide examples, the stronger they’ll become. Your grandchildren and children will recognize the importance of starting with self-loyalty.
I’ll share a personal story that happened to me and my brother when we were children. I find that examples often are the best teacher.
A Personal Story On Divided Loyalty
As a child and young adult, my parents did not teach me how to handle divided loyalties. Why? Because they did not understand the ramifications it would have on their children.
On my mother’s side of our family, there was beautiful harmony among all the members all the way down the line. My mother’s family wrapped their arms around one another all the time. When there was a scuffle, it never caused any division. I loved spending time with everyone. To this day, I am grateful to all of them for their love, laughter, support, and wisdom. They were all great role models.
On the other hand…
Because of divided loyalties on my father’s side of the family, brought on by an event at the beginning of my parents’ marriage, my brother and I were innocent victims of growing up in a divided family—our extended family—not our little family of four.
The encounter had to do with my mother, who was 18 years old at the time, a new bride. She was blamed for something that was not her fault. My father, who had always been close to his four brothers, was 100% loyal to my mother. He became a victim, too.
A Family Schism and the Importance of Loyalty
My brother and I grew up feeling like outsiders because my parents distanced themselves from my father’s extended family. It wasn’t a dramatic split like the Hatfields and the McCoys, but a silent one. My parents focused their energy on my mother’s side of the family. Obviously, my brother and I had no choice in their decision.
We did attend some family events, and my grandfather visited every Sunday, but we were far from “the family that plays together, stays together.” I always felt set apart. My family was large, and I longed for their love and friendship. I have 14 first cousins.
My brother and I missed out on spending time with a great family because my parents lacked the emotional tools to heal the schism. My father, a wise man, didn’t know how to cope with the problem. His wife, a very young and strong-willed woman, also struggled to cope. It was sad for everyone.
On a positive note, today, my cousins and I meet on Zoom every few months for a few hours. I’m trying to make up for lost time.
My story can be thought-provoking if you have a family schism of any kind. Could you be the one in your family to apply Rule #1 and take action?
Teaching Loyalty to Our Grandchildren and Young Adults
I believe there should be a class in every classroom across the United States on “Loyalty and the Repercussions of the Lack of Loyalty.” Why? Because loyalty is a virtue. Don’t you agree?
For your younger grandchildren, you might consider purchasing two Dr. Seuss books on the topic of Loyalty at Amazon; Horton Hatches the Egg and Horton Hears a Who, and for older grandchildren and adults, mention the movie, The Outsiders.
Dividing your loyalties should never come at your expense.
Rule #2: Stay True to Your Principles and Set Boundaries
I have learned that loyalty to everything I do should never come at the expense of my integrity. My moral compass has boundaries and principles that I adhere to in all situations. This took me a long time to develop—to always take a stand that honors my boundaries and principles.
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How To Divide Your Loyalty and Find Joy
Once you have learned the benefit of Rules #1 and #2, you can show strong support to opposing family members, a group, a community, and your country.
When you are loyal to yourself, you will make better decisions and feel happier and more at peace.
Just lately, I received an email from a respected friend asking my ultimate concierge and me to donate money to a political campaign. My immediate instinct was the wrong approach—first, I thought about his feelings before I thought about my answer.
I did not want my answer to disappoint him. Nor did I want him to have bad feelings toward me and my ultimate concierge. I was thinking backward, darling.
Loyalty is detrimental when my allegiance to the other person becomes detrimental to me.
Here was my response.
Dear Joe,
Thank you for reaching out to us.
We have decided to give our money to causes where we feel it will make a difference. It is not politics.
We should all do what makes us comfortable. I hope you understand.
In friendship,
Susan and Shelly
Rule #1 prevailed. I felt empowered and happy when I hit send. My answer guaranteed me a clean conscience and a positive night’s sleep.
Dividing Loyalty
The ability to take an honest stand will have lasting results. So many women are afraid to step out of the box and show their loyalty, especially when they are torn by allegiances or up against a large group.
Darling, the benefits will always outweigh your fears.
Loyalty should never be blind or submissive.
I think being a loyal woman is being devoted and vulnerable and standing up for your principles but never being naive.
Loyalty demands a woman’s integrity and she should be consistent. By consistent, I mean consistent to her partner, family, friends, and co-workers. Loyalty should flow into all facets of her life.
Standing Up Against Disloyalty
I have endured the posturing of several people who professed their loyalty and to people who do not know how to divide their loyalty. And I am sure many of you have had the same experiences.
Because I wear my heart on my sleeve, I have been fooled and hurt. In other words, I was naive. I loved the carefree feeling of trusting others, never realizing how many people feel guiltless. It is the small-town girl in me that I would not trade for anything. Thank you, Kankakee by the Sea.
I have asked myself over and over again, “Should I forgive their disloyalty and betrayals? Should I forgive them?” Perhaps.
Will I ever trust their loyalty again? Will they ever gain my respect? No.
Who was the loser?
They were. They are.
Have you found yourself in a situation where your loyalties are divided? Please share in the comments!
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There is so much truth in this. Thank you for sharing it, Honey.
You are very welcome! Warmly, Honey