How to Know When It’s Time to Move On
Today is Get Over It Day. If you’re like me, there’s a good chance you have never heard of this observance before now. I sure hadn’t. However, it got me thinking about people that are stuck in unhappy situations, and how it can be difficult to “Get over it.” It can be hard to know when it’s okay to move on. When have you done enough? I hope that today’s post will shed some light on this for you.
What do you need to “get over?” This can be an old grudge you’ve held onto. Or perhaps someone in your life is holding a grudge against you, and it’s keeping you from moving forward.
Maybe you’re unhappy with your job. Beyond the normal wish-I-was-somewhere-else unhappiness. We’re talking stressed to the nines, dreading Monday morning kind of unhappy.
Perhaps your unhappiness is in a relationship. It could be romantic it could be familial. Or a relationship with a friend. Whatever it is, if you’ve come to the point — or arrived there long ago— that you know that this relationship no longer serves you. You’re seeing that it brings you more unhappiness than joy.
No matter what the situation, this post is going to address how to know when it’s time to move on, and once you’re there, how to “get over it.”
REASONS TO MOVE ON — IMBALANCE
UNBALANCED POWER DYNAMIC
When considering general unhappiness, often the culprit is an unbalanced power dynamic. Whether it be that your romantic partner holds the power and you feel helpless. Or it could be that your friend is the one calling the shots and you are along for the ride.
There can never be true peace and happiness when an imbalance exists. In a romantic relationship that does not mean you cannot hold traditional roles if that’s what makes you happy. But even in traditional roles as partners, both parties should hold equal power in the relationship. There should be respect from both parties. A recognition of the important contributions of both sides. If you do not have that, you have a problem.
How to address an imbalance:
- Have a frank conversation
- Begin with “When you say/do ___ it makes me feel like ____.”
- Expect resistance and have a plan
- Stay calm
When planning this conversation, expect that you will have some resistance. No one likes to hear that they are doing something wrong. Or that others perceive as wrong. Stay calm and stand your ground, all the while listening to the other’s perspective. Do NOT allow them to tell you how you should feel. This is typical imbalanced power dynamic behavior. Your feelings are valid.
UNBALANCED EMOTIONAL DYNAMIC
When you have an extreme and unfavorable emotional dynamic, you are unhappy more often than you are happy. You feel more pain than joy. Less peace than chaos.
If you’ve reached this point in a friendship the first step would be to have a conversation. It may feel uncomfortable, particularly if you have gone along with this imbalance because of a fear of confrontation. But you will just have to be uncomfortable. The only other option is to “ghost” your friend and you will have no peace with your decision if you go this route.
As with above, expect some resistance and possibly even ugliness. No one likes their shortcomings (perceived or otherwise) shown to them. You might enjoy my post on The Importance of Frankness Between Friends.
Best case scenario, your friend had no idea she has been acting/treating you like this. By discussing it with her, you have taken the first step towards balance. You both move past it and are happier than ever.
Worst case scenario, you find that you no longer share the foundation for the relationship that you once had. You decide to move on.
Going into the conversation is important to understand the worst-case scenario and that no matter what, you will be okay on the other side.
HOW TO MOVE ON AND GET OVER IT
Still not sure if it’s time to move on? Consider this: Picture your life in two years. How will it look if you stay in your current unhappy situation? Bearable? Okay? Maybe better? Or visualize how it would be if you had taken action now and moved on? You will have your answer.
When you feel you’ve exhausted all options, it may be time to move on. This does not mean you owe anyone or that it is solely your responsibility to do all the work to fix things. It simply means that you, personally, feel as though you’ve done all you are able or willing to do. When you are at this point, consider your next steps.
If you’ve decided to move on:
- Examine where you want to go
- Understand how things will change
- Make a plan
- Move forward
To conclude, life is simply too short to remain in unhappy situations. That is not to say that a dip or a bad time means it’s time to jump ship. But if you find yourself more unhappy than not, it is time to seriously consider weighing the option of moving on.
Consider this best-selling book: Forgiving What You Can’t Forget: Discover How to Move On, Make Peace with Painful Memories, and Create a Life That’s Beautiful Again.
Please understand that unhappy and unsafe are completely different situations. If you find yourself unsafe, please know that you are not alone and there is help available. Please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. When you click that link, the first thing that comes up on their website are instructions to browse their site safely, even if you fear your browsing activity is being monitored. If you are unsafe or afraid, they can help you.
Have you ever found yourself on the other side of moving on? Are you glad you did? Please share in the comments!
If you enjoyed this article on the frankness between friends, please subscribe. You will get each daily story delivered straight to your inbox.
*Honey Good may receive a small commission on items purchased through links on this site. This is at no additional cost to you.
This is from someone who should have moved on long ago, when I was self supporting and could walk away but always found a reason to stay. If I had somewhere to go I’d be there. But where do you go at 69, retired for four years, and just a mess? How do you reconcile yourself to a marriage of 50 years where your spouse refuses to confront his siblings, to stand by you and instead let’s these people walk all over them? What do you think of 2 sisters and a brother that took a family cruise without them inviting you? Normally they leave me out because it’s just his sisters that are so good at excluding me. They always say it’s just us girls, but in this case husbands were included and his brother, so I’m not sure what they can say. But he spent a half hour talking to his sister while leaving me hanging in Walmart of all places.
I speak to him when necessary but can’t bring myself to have any respect for him.
Your question of where I see myself in two years is a good one because I sit here plotting and planning of how to leave and when I reflect on this question I realize I’m stuck here. Moving on is not always an option and less so the older we get.
Please don’t be hard on yourself. I know many women who wish they had left and stayed. It is hard to leave. I get it.
Now what can’t you do… You cannot change the sisters or the brother. After 50 years it is time to accept what you cannot change! So, my advice to you is to erase them from your daily thinking because they seem to be ruining your life and marriage.
You say you are a mess. I don’t know what you mean. A mental mess over the situation? A physical mess in your eyes? Or both?
If I were you I would think about one person. Yourself. It is not selfish. It takes discipline. It will be hard. You have a long life ahead and it is never to late to take stock of yourself and improve your daily ‘personal’ life and stop using those sisters as your excuse. If you need to get fit..join a gym. Just do it! If you want friends, join a group…gym class, church group, book club, etc.Seek out a woman who mirrors your values and introduce yourself.The ball is in your court to make a life for yourself. If you have children and grandchildren seek them out. Try and put a little romance back into your dying marriage. My mother told me, “It is up to a woman to make a marriage.” I believe her. Start by not talking about his sisters and if you do stay neutral. You are unhappy and I understand. I would be hurt and angry too. But staying hurt and angry is not going to help you. You have to help yourself! Keep me posted. I am interested. Warmly, Honey