Is Sugar and Spice Really “Everything” Nice?
Day in and day out, we negotiate. We even negotiate with ourselves. When you think about a woman’s life, negotiations of all types go on all day. We begin to learn as little ones the art of negotiation; the art of having discussions that are aimed at reaching an amenable outcome. Unfortunately, amenable agreements are often not reached. Why is this?
My Fabulous Role Models
I always wished for a sister. As a little girl, I observed the love between my mother and her sister. They spoke daily. I would hear them laughing and whispering and sometimes arguing and then forgiving and then laughter, once again. They were my fabulous role–models! I learned the meaning of loyalty, forgiveness, joyfulness, and empathy from these incredible women. But, that has not made my life free of conflicts. On the contrary, I have had my share of angst and I am almost certain you have too. I have learned many things the hard way and I am still learning and if you are honest with yourselves, so are you.
Many Conflicts Will Arise
Why do many conflicts arise between people who are basically kind and loving individuals? Why it is that what we say is often not what is perceived when more often than not we want to understand one another?
Girlfriends offer so much. I call this ‘sugar.’ We make laugher together, give each other advice on every womanly topic under the sun, share stories, and have our own language. On a darker side I have been witness to a lot of ‘spice’ that is not very nice; directed to other women and to me. It can be as little as a look!
Judgemental Tendencies
So I did some research and found that sociologists and psychologists agree on this fact: Females tend to be very judgmental beginning at a young age. Young girls learn early on to gossip, form cliques, and turn on one another! And it gets worse as they get older. I read over 52% of working women are bullied by other women in the workplace. It is all part of ‘the not so nice characteristic’ of women. The schooled authorities do not have an answer.
Darling, I think friendships with women are checkered. I have had women in my life do the most unexpected extraordinary marvelous things for me. I have, on the other hand, felt betrayed and disillusioned. These experiences both filled with sugar and negative spice left me conflicted.
Women Need Women
But that was then and this is now. I have come to terms with women and the first important fact is: I realize the value of having my girlfriends. And, I would be lost without the chitter-chatter and bantering back and forth with them. I need them. They need me!
This is my healthy prescription of how to find ‘the sugar’ in your life with women friends.
First and foremost you must realize your own value.
Secondly, you should reach out and acquire new friends who have those values.
Now you are on your way, darling!
Leave Toxic People Behind
The next step I call “shedding unwanted emotional weight”. Say bye-bye to toxic women in your life! And now remember: Don’t expect too much and you won’t be disappointed. Girlfriends have so much on their plate just as you do, so be flexible.
You want your friendships to be solid and meaningful. This requires your effort.
If there was a friendship you valued that went astray mend your bridges if possible.
If someone hurts you and asks for your forgiveness I hope you will forgive them if the infraction is forgivable.
Do something GOOD today: call your girlfriends and tell them you are glad they are in your life. Or, write them a letter. Becoming pen pals might be just what you both need right now!
How have you experienced your female friendships? Are they full of sugar and spice? Let’s discuss this in the comments at the bottom of this page! As well, join my private Facebook Group, GRANDwomen with Moxie!
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Honey, this post comes at the right time for me. I had a friend of over 30 + yrs standing (we met in the 80’s) We were always very different, she was born and raised in the Bronx, I am London born and raised, it never made a difference, in fact our differences were the glue that attached us almost. She worked as a secretary in my husband’s office on Wall Street (he worked for an Italian bank) we were there for 18 years in total. She married a colleague of my husbands, and we both moved back to Rome together in the early 90’s. She now lives in N Florida (she’s divorced and married again) I am in S Florida. Just to give you some back ground, we were each other’s rock, and saw each other through trying times and good. So much history shared. In these last 5 years, (under the influence, I believe, of her current husband) she has totally changed. Every day we exchanged mails in a sort of email circle, with another old school friend of hers from the Bronx. Our interactions got ever more contentious in these last 5 yrs. To get to my point, just last month, we had a heated exchange of emails. I have always smoothed over any disagreements in the past, taking the infamous high road, and treading on eggshells, but this time I answered politely but accordingly, and she reacted and said “goodbye” and that was it.
In the past this has happened before, I am a loyal soul, not a blocker, bridge burner etc, I believe she thought I would do the same this time, as she obviously acted on impulse. I haven’t, as the writing is largely on the wall, our friendship is defunct, and has been for a long time now. A friendship in my mind should be a safe place to land, and give us joy, not a daily veiled ‘gotcha’ exchange.
Just to say, it still hurts, I wake up every day sort of incredulous that such a fixture in my life is no longer there. I really don’t miss her at all (we had grown so apart) but I do miss the ‘idealized’ concept of such a long term friendship. I know I will get over it with time. I just wanted to let you know that I agree, so many women are living through the same issues, losing old time friends and family members over the great division that’s been created. Thank you for letting me vent 😉
She was very lucky to have your friendship. I recall a close friend startled me with her advice about friendships and relationships. She startled me because she is so kind and sweet. If you don’t expect anything from someone you will never be disappointed. But like you I do expect and I do feel awful and sad because like you I take for granted and expect my friends to have my values and manner. Unfortunately, due to circumstances people change. And, that is why we cannot expect. Your experience will prove positive in your future because this experience opened your eyes to move on when feelings change in a friendship. As, I said the loss is hers. Be proud of who you are, always.. Warmly, Honey
Thank you Honey, your words are very comforting. This week I read a comment by Iman (the famous ‘over 50′ model) and she said her mother taught from an early age to always “know your worth’ and act accordingly. I think that is so true. I should have distanced myself from this person before now, but I didn’t, never mind, better late than never. As you say, this experience has opened my eyes, and it was hard, but we grow hopefully from adversity. I will, as your friend suggested, keep my expectations lower 🙂
On another subject, I just subscribed to a wonderful website you suggested “who what wear” I am so happy, I will enjoy it..I love fashion, it gives us joy, and that’s so essential especially in these gloomy lockdown times.
Great tips and reflections as always Honey..you are an inspiration..
Thank you so much again..
Bridget X
We always grow from adversity. Every negative experience we encounter teaches us our lesson and therefore that negative becomes a positive.I am so glad I could send some comfort your way.Warmly, Honey