Every spring, I often find myself reminiscing about the years my ultimate concierge and I spent in Rancho Mirage, a chapter of my life that holds some of my most treasured memories.

I can still picture myself sitting in my great room, looking out onto my small garden, wrapped in the peacefulness of California living. Those days were filled with quiet mornings, meaningful conversations, and laughter shared over candlelit dinners. Making memories is the true essence of a well-lived life, and as the seasons change, I am reminded of just how important it is to embrace each moment with gratitude.

Though life has moved forward, the memories remain, guiding me, inspiring me, and reminding me that every season is an opportunity to create something beautiful. Today, I want to share a few thoughts on how we can be more intentional about cherishing the moments that matter most.

Making Memories that Matter in Family Relationships

Of all the memories I hold dear, one tugs at my heart the most is the loss of my devoted pooch, Orchid. For eleven years, she was my constant companion, curling up at my feet on flights between our homes, bounding into our apartment in the sky with her signature enthusiasm. I miss the soft patter of her paws and joyful greeting at the door.

(Here is my story honoring Orchid, and all the joy she brought us, is here.)

Though time has passed, my longing for her remains unchanged. In so many ways, she is still here, woven into the fabric of my memories, present in the quiet moments, and forever a part of the story of my life. Making memories isn’t just about capturing joyful moments, it’s about cherishing the love, laughter, and even the losses that shape who we are. Orchid was, and always will be, a beautiful part of mine.

I know that not enough of us think about special happy memories.

We are so busy living in the present, thank goodness, that we don’t take time to examine how special experiences open new doors and change us for the better.

I want to share a few vignettes of memories that have shaped me to be the person I am today. After you finish reading, please consider thinking about the past six months of your life regarding a few special memories. I know you will bloom and blossom once you recall a few of your special memories.

The Message on the Small Rock.

At the beginning of a six-month stay in California, a small rock with the inscription accept created a life change in yours truly. A very positive life change.

My ultimate concierge and I spent a week at The Golden Door Spa. On the last day, high above the Pacific, I walked a Labyrinth. One does this in order to touch upon something that needs emotional attention.

This walk through the labyrinth impacted me greatly. It addressed the estrangement I was experiencing from my adult child, daughters, and grandchildren.

I did not want to take the walk because I had no idea what to think about but…as soon as I had taken four or five steps inside the maze, a miracle happened. A serious problem, existing for years, came to the forefront of my mind and by the time I stepped out of the Labyrinth, I finally found a solution to an old and serious problem. I sighed with relief and smiled. Recognizing the situation as emotionally dangerous, I knew I had to protect my mental health.

Just then our guide walked over to me and asked me to put my hand inside a black bag she was holding. The bag was filled with rocks, each with an inscribed word. She asks me to randomly select one. I was starry-eyed when I looked at my little rock. It read, accept.  The word acknowledged my decision. Darlings, there are times we have to accept what is. It is not surrendering. Quite the opposite. It is the acceptance ‘of our decision.’ It is powerful. I will call my rock, a learning memory.

A Woman Named Diane

Have you ever felt close to a woman you never met? I hadn’t until…Diane. Diane came into my life via the phone.  We have still not met! But, I feel a bond. I think she does, also.

A few Novembers ago, I searched and searched for an article, I misplaced, from the New York Times. My ultimate concierge came across it in an office waiting room and thought it would be an interesting topic for me to tackle. It discussed the importance of knowing your husband’s or significant other’s finances. There were four older women in the photograph sitting on a couch. I was determined to find the article and eventually did online.

After reading the article carefully, I noticed one of the women- an author of a best seller on women’s finances who also owned a Public Relations Company. I pulled up her company name and the first words hit me: PR for Businesses Targeting Women. We Bring Your Brand To The World. A Lifestyle Public Relationship Agency.

Soul Sisters

And so, never one to shy away from something of interest, I phoned Diane’s office. We spoke for a moment, she promised to phone back in the next few days. She kept her word and we had a warm conversation. We have spoken often (she lives in New York) and darlings, because of her personality, her 30 years in PR, her accomplishments and a chemistry, she had the ability to make me feel like she was my sister!  We discussed our businesses, our grandchildren, we are dog lovers, her husband knew of my husband. When Orchid died, she called to see how I was. We are soul sisters!

Why would I count this as an important memory? It is rare that someone you have never met leaves you with such a warm feeling; a feeling of genuine happiness. Discovering Diane is a happy memory.

It is because of Diane that I was written up in the New York Times. My article was on Multigenerational Groups.

Understanding Family Estrangement

Family estrangement is a complex and multifaceted phenomenon that affects many individuals and families worldwide. It is characterized by a significant reduction or cessation of contact between family members, often resulting in emotional pain, feelings of rejection, and a sense of loss. Estranged parents face unique challenges and experiences, including dealing with the psychological implications of estrangement and the societal stigma attached to it. Estrangement can occur between parents and adult children, siblings, grandparents, and other family members. Research suggests that family estrangement is more common than previously thought, with approximately 27% of Americans reporting being estranged from at least one family member.

Family estrangement can be caused by various factors, including emotional abuse, neglect, substance use, mental health issues, and ideological differences. In some cases, estrangement may be a necessary step to protect one’s physical, emotional, and mental well-being. However, it can also lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and anxiety, particularly for the rejected family member. High-profile cases of familial estrangement, such as those involving Prince Harry and Britney Spears, highlight the psychological impact and the complex nature of these relationships.

Research on estrangement rates highlights the prevalence of fractured families, where conflict and disconnection lead to a breakdown in relationships. Studies show varying experiences among different demographic groups, emphasizing the concept of families becoming fractured due to unresolved issues. Professional counseling can play a crucial role in mending these relationships and exploring possibilities for reconciliation.

Definition and Prevalence

Family estrangement is a complex and multifaceted phenomenon that involves the cessation or reduction of a previously existing relationship between family members. It often results in little to no communication for a prolonged period, with at least one of the parties involved wanting the estrangement to end. Family estrangements can involve parents, grandparents, siblings, children, cousins, and other extended family members. According to a 2023 study, 27% of Americans are currently estranged from a relative, with 10% reporting an active estrangement from either a parent or a child. The prevalence of family estrangement varies across different demographics, with white adult sons being more likely to be estranged from their mothers than daughters, and black sons and daughters being more likely to be estranged from their fathers.

Health Implications

Family estrangement can have adverse psychological consequences for the rejected party, including loneliness, low self-esteem, aggression, and depression. The social rejection in family estrangement is equivalent to ostracism, which undermines four fundamental human needs: belonging, control, self-esteem, and meaningful existence. The rejected party may suffer from a prolonged sense of grief, as the social death of the relationship is potentially reversible. The prolonged suffering of the rejected party can result in isolation and behavioral changes. Social workers who work with the elderly population are at the forefront of a new fallout from family estrangement, as non-supportive or absent family members can increase the pain and stress of the final days.

Causes of Estrangement

Estrangement may result from various factors, including the involvement or interference of a third party, value or identity conflicts, and poor differentiation within the family system. Family members’ differences in values, identity, or lifestyle may cause estrangement, such as differences in sexual orientation, choice of spouse, gender identity, politics, disability, or religion. Life choices, such as education, profession, and geography, may also be emotionally charged topics that reflect social values. Divorce, child abuse, substance or alcohol abuse, mental illness, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) are common causes of family tension and estrangement.

Contributing Factors

The third party may provide emotional support to the individual initiating the estrangement, and in some cases, the third party is the sole or primary cause of two family members becoming estranged. Poor differentiation is associated with continued relationship problems and can be contagious. High differentiation is associated with emotional interdependence and multi-generational cooperation. Reconciliation is possible in some situations, and may involve setting boundaries collaboratively. Triggers for reconciliation include changes in the family situation, worries about health and death, and developing a clearer perspective about the original situation through the passage of time.

The Role of Family Dynamics

Family dynamics play a crucial role in the development and maintenance of estrangement. The family system can be emotionally dangerous, and good parents can still contribute to estrangement due to their own emotional limitations. The younger generations may be more likely to initiate estrangement due to their increased independence and autonomy. Rejected parents may experience a range of emotions, including guilt, shame, and anger, which can further exacerbate the estrangement. Group therapy can provide a safe space for individuals to process their emotions and work through the stages of grief. Emotionally charged topics, such as family relationships and communication, can be addressed in a supportive and non-judgmental environment.

The Impact of Family Estrangement

Family estrangement can have a profound impact on an individual’s mental health and well-being. The rejected family member may experience feelings of loneliness and low self-esteem in the same way, manifesting as aggression and depression. The social rejection inherent in family estrangement can undermine four fundamental human needs: belonging, control, self-esteem, and meaningful existence. Furthermore, family estrangement can lead to a prolonged sense of grief, as the social death of the relationship is potentially reversible.

Family estrangement can also affect family relationships and dynamics. For example, adult children may feel caught in the middle of a conflict between their parents, leading to feelings of loyalty conflicts and emotional distress. In some cases, family estrangement can lead to a breakdown in communication and a lack of emotional support, exacerbating existing mental health issues.

A New Chapter with Extended Family

Life has a beautiful way of surprising us, often when we least expect it. One such moment arrived for me a few Decembers ago when an email landed in my inbox from the managing editor of Abrams Book Publishing. She had discovered me online and saw in me the kind of grandmother she envisioned to bring their book to life.

I was taken aback, humbled and deeply grateful. Out of all the grandmothers in the world, I was given this opportunity to share my voice. What a gift!

Now, with the book published and in the hands of many, I couldn’t be more thrilled. Writing this book was a journey filled with love, reflection, and a deep desire to help grandmothers create lasting connections and with their grandchildren- making memories that will last a lifetime. Personal experiences with estrangement have influenced my approach to raising my own family, shaping the values and dynamics I wish to pass on. If you haven’t yet had the chance to read it, I invite you to explore its pages and make your own beautiful memories. You can purchase the book here!

*Affiliate disclosure

Rebuilding and Healing

Rebuilding and healing from family estrangement requires a comprehensive approach that addresses the emotional, psychological, and social aspects of the experience. Group therapy can provide a safe space for individuals to process their emotions and work through the stages of grief. Practitioners can help patients develop emotional regulation, communication skills, and boundary setting, which are essential for rebuilding and maintaining healthy family relationships.

In some cases, reconciliation may be possible and beneficial for all parties involved. However, it is essential to approach reconciliation with caution and sensitivity, taking into account the complexities of the family system and the emotional needs of all family members. Reconciliation may involve setting boundaries collaboratively, developing a clearer perspective about the original situation, and working through unresolved conflicts.

Ultimately, rebuilding and healing from family estrangement require patience, empathy, and understanding. By acknowledging the complexities of family estrangement and providing support and guidance, individuals can work towards healing and rebuilding their family relationships in a healthy and positive way. (Keep keywords: family members, family estrangement, family relationships, family system, group therapy)

Making Memories with Younger Generations, Every Day

As winter transitions into spring, I can’t help but wonder what memories will be made this season.

The mind stores our memories. Bringing them to the surface, darlings, will be quite enchanting, fascinating, alluring, delightful and even disarming. Memories are a life force or an option to consider or they even create an impulsive move into something new. I’m grateful for all the memories I’ve made and the ones still to come. 

How are you making memories of your own through family communication? Please share in the comments below!

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