When talking about female friendships, it seems imperative to address why women bully other women.
When I write about my husband, Sheldon Good, I typically mention he is my best friend. He’s also my best girlfriend. While it may sound strange to call my very masculine husband my best girlfriend, I think I am savvy to realize and appreciate this gift. Sharing is caring and whether I am over the top elated or a little blue, he always has my best interests at heart. He is my sounding board and my comfort.
I remember when writing this story, he looked up from his newspaper and asked, “What are you writing about today?” I replied, “Women who bully other women.”
While most men would go back to reading their paper, not my husband. He is a kibitzer and loves to give me advice. He quipped, “Don’t forget to tell your gals people throw stones at fruit-bearing trees.” I smiled (he is right, you know).
Why Do Women Bully Their Friends?
Girlfriends are a great source of joy in our lives. Most women are compassionate and have the desire to support and nurture one another… yours truly included. The female experience is a sisterhood because no one understands us better than us. If you are looking for female friendship, I recommend joining my private Facebook community, Women over 50: Celebrate Visibility.
So, what do you do when your emotional radar picks up on an unpleasant personality shift in a close friend? Out of nowhere, you are caught off guard when your girlfriend’s behavior takes on a bullying pattern and she becomes mean-spirited.
What Does Girlfriend Bullying Look Like?
Bullying from a girlfriend often shows up in subtle behaviors that can be damaging to your self-esteem and mental health. You may not even notice the bullying when it begins. This is a list of some of the common ways that girlfriend bullying can rear its ugly head. If you recognize any of these behaviors in your girlfriends, you must take action to ensure that your friendships stay sources of joy, not distress.
- Exclusion: Intentionally leaving someone out of meet-ups, parties, or group chats.
- Spreading Rumors: Sharing false or exaggerated stories about someone to damage their reputation.
- Public Embarrassment: Making fun of someone or calling them names in front of others to humiliate them.
- Manipulation: Coercing someone into doing something they’re uncomfortable with by using guilt or threats.
- Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Expressing negative feelings indirectly rather than openly through backhanded compliments or sarcasm. For women, this is very common.
- Social Media Bullying: While we think of social media bullying as a problem for teens, women of all ages are guilty. Online bullying consists of posting hurtful comments, sharing unflattering photos, or excluding someone from online groups or chats.
- Gaslighting: Making someone question their own reality through denial of facts, or lying.
- Physical Intimidation: Less common for women, but still a bullying tactic, is using one’s physical presence to make someone feel unsafe.
- Isolation: Encouraging others to ignore or avoid someone, effectively isolating them from the group.
- Criticism: Constantly criticizing someone’s looks, clothing choices, or life decisions to undermine their self-esteem.
I know what it’s like to be bullied by a girlfriend and what to watch for!
Your Choices When Your Friend Becomes a Bully
There are many reasons why women bully each other including insecurity, jealousy, and even mental illness. When you encounter a girlfriend who is a bully, you have two choices.
First, you can disassociate yourself from this woman because you don’t want to deal with the toxic behavior. Or, choice number two, you can try and resolve this attitude change.
What I’ve Learned
If you decide to stay in the relationship, it is important to understand the personality of an aggressive woman who uses bullying tactics.
Here’s what I know about why women bully each other and what I’ve learned about women who bully their friends:
1. Many women believe they would never bully a friend.
Nothing could be further from the truth writes Cheryl Dellasega, author of Mean Girls Grow Up, and a women’s studies professor at Pennsylvania State University. She writes, “The adult aggressor even gets a little more polished and subtle as they get older.” Their goal? Power over you.
2. Then there are women who feel invisible and choose to build themselves up by knocking others down.
They will gossip and exclude you in order to demean you, especially if they know they can get away with it. Their issue? Insecurity.
3. Remember, women do not use their fists, they use their mouths.
Women are very verbal. Verbal aggression is the quickest way to hurt you. Their plan of attack? Talking badly about you to others.
4. What’s one of the greatest causes of bullying? The bully is jealous.
“Female friendships are one of the greatest comforts and the greatest weapons,” writes Rachel Simmons, author of The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence. Power, jealousy, aggression, and insecurity make a bully.
A Feminine Woman is Often the Victim
I think bullies attack women who radiate femininity. A truly feminine woman is loving and full of grace, she is a true lady. She embraces life, exudes warmth, and her beauty shines from the inside out. She is a life force and this makes our bully friend feel threatened.
So, my dear readers, you have a choice: you can help your friend to feel more confident, and hopefully, this will bring out a different side to her. However, more often than not, these types of women don’t want to change.
When your girlfriend becomes a bully, you can decide to ‘delete’ the relationship!
When My Friend Was My Bully
I’ll give you an example from my own life. I thought I had a close friend. We laughed, shared stories, and dined as couples. I loved to be in her company. Then, she began to threaten me, insult me, and made up lies. She even created a negative pet name for me. “How could this be?” I asked myself. “Why is my friend changing?”
One day, after this behavior had continued for a month, I was sitting on my window sill on a gorgeous day looking out at Lake Michigan, when I suddenly began to softly cry. My husband heard me, sat down next to me and asked, “Why are you crying?” I told him about this woman and he asked, “What are you going to do?”
I thought about my role in our relationship. Did I deserve her unkind, aggressive behavior? The answer was an immediate… no! I decided to ‘Delete’ the friendship. My half-full cup was emptying swiftly and my life on the happy side of the street was being affected.
As I mentioned above, it is up to you to decide if you can help your so-called friend ‘see the light.’ Each situation must be judged on its own merit.
My Advice When Girlfriends Become Bullies
Don’t let the situation go on any longer than it should. Don’t allow bullying women to disrespect you. Stand your ground, rather than shy away. Live on the happy side of the street with girlfriends who love you.
Have you ever been bullied by a girlfriend? Share you experience in the comments!
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Perfect message. My sweet husband and I moved five years ago and I have encountered this behavior in a couple of women. It has been my decision to distance myself from this type of person as I navigate this journey of making new friends. Our neighborhood is all new homes and everyone navigating this adventure of making new friends. I have noticed most people just want a friend they don’t care that a person is a valueless bully. I want friends who share my values and are kind and caring people. Your message helps me know I am on a good journey for me. I still am interested in the sisterhood and focus groups. The Lake Norman area of Charlotte NC is my new life. Come for a visit.
My motto: Let your friends mirror you. You do not mirror them. Love that you want to start a focus group. And, join the Sisterhood. You can join the Sisterhood now by going to my site, https://www.honeygood.com and signing up. There is a form. Maybe I will come and see you, one day. You may be one of our darlings to start a focus group. How fun and fascinating and helpful they are. Warmly, Honey
Yes, come and visit. We love living here and I am slowly finding kind, caring, and humble friends. Life is a journey and at 74 I am learning to navigate my ship.
I am also writing my memoir which is a revealing experience.
Thank you for sharing,
Jeanne
You are writing your memoir. How special!!!! I would love to come and visit. Life is a journey… Warmly, Honey
What if it is your daughter?
Dear Lulu: If it is your daughter remember this: There are consequences for unkind actions. I would tell her that and be strong in a soft voice. I would tell her if she does not stop bullying you for what ever reason (you are her mother) you will learn to accept what she cannot seem to change and stay out of her reach. Tough love. Warmly, Honey
For almost a week I have been bewildered by the bullying I experienced from a friend (or so I’d thought) and a ‘new’ friend of hers. It started like a junior high hormone bomb when they noticed a good looking young man come into the pub we were in. Totally uncalled for, they literally shoved me out of the way. ? I wasn’t IN THEIR WAY. When the ‘new girl’ picked up my scarf and threw it some feet away with a gleeful look, I wanted to slap her, but picked up my scarf, faced her directly and said, “Keep your hands off my belongings.” At that point the young man quietly asked if he was sitting on my barstool. You could almost see the steam coming from the “ladies’ ” ears. Disappointed, upset – I paid my bill and left smiling. Still, it’s upsetting.
Hi, I think I overlooked by accident your comment on Bullying friends. I am so sorry. I will have an answer for you next Thursday, March 12 on my blog for the day, ASK HONEY. I will not use your name. Warmly, Honey
Jen, what a wonderful comment. I have experienced so many of the same issues in my life. I feel validated after reading the article and your comment. I really needed this today. Thank you.
So glad you feel better. Choose friends who mirror YOU, your values, your character, your beliefs, etc.. Then you will be happy. Warmly, Honey
I was just sent this by someone who has been belittling, me, talking about me to others, belittle and talking about vulnerable people we know or other nationalities in ways I found unacceptable and did call her out on it….I could go on but……..In my mind the person is continuing on her controlling bullying behavior towards me, One day it finally came to a head and I very loudly swore at her to shut the f…up in front of others who had said at one time or another…… why are you still friends with her and had warned me about her. I try to make my own opinions……I recognized that she had pushed to far with what she said this time and it had brought out a behavior that I do not like in myself. I did later apologize for swearing at her and said I should have talked to her about how I was feeling in private ……..and tried at different times since then as I thought she respected what I brought to the friendship and in some ways I thought we had a good friendship……
this post turned up in my messenger with no explanation , no discussion and in my mind with how it has been sent she is continuing passively with trying to control me. I had shared at different time with her what I had been through (and she shared her story as well), why I am slow to trust people and make friends and why I had/have isolated myself and because of her past profession and what I thought was friendship shared what hard work I’ve done to get to the point of trusting again and in one sense she knows how to hurt me…….I will not respond to her at all now only with politeness when in the same circle but will keep my distance as what I have learned is that to continue on a discussions with bullies is no good either ……
Zee, a bully bullies only as long as they are ‘allowed to’ by the other person, in this instance, you. You are right…you certainly do not want this type of woman in your life. She is not bringing anything positive to the relationship. So, back away slowly and seek out kind women. They are out there.Remember this, a bully is an insecure person. Feel sorry for her and happy for yourself that you are a good person and move on. Warmly, Honey
Hello
Had tears in my eyes reading your post today . I have just left a 15 year workplace and believe I was bullied out exactly as you say , I’m feminine love and am interested in all people clients work mates and believe a female colleague became jealous and slowly infected a manager using a vulnerable young staff member along the way . I believe it’s indemic and we need training in learning to recognise and shut this behaviour down in our workplaces and personal lives . Thanks for the post and relative links for further information.
It is my pleasure. I am so sorry you experienced this type of behavior. So have I so I know how you are feeling. Have you joined the Sisterhood at Honeygood.com? Please do if you care to. Just go to my site and follow the prompts. We are going to have many discussions on this type of behavior and how to avoid and stand up. Warmly, Honey
Thanks for such a great article and perfect timing for me, as it has just validated what i about to do, which is to divorce a couple of so called friends out of my life. Being over 50 can be a hard enough challenge so we need the best support team not the toxins who will yo-yo in and out of your life when it suits them.
Right on girl! Go to it. I applaud your decision. You will feel emotionally powerful that you were able to say, Enough is enough to yourself and then act upon your thoughts. Warmly, Honey
Wow! I am so grateful to find this article today. I’ve spent alot of my life having close best “frenemies” since I was a teen. Female relationships have been a very difficult for me most of my life, in part due to my traumas as a teen with my first BFF, and the second…I currently am living with someone I have known since I was 8 years old, her and I never were friends growing up, so it seemed fun to get to know her in my late 30’s. Except that I’ve been experiencing this sort of behavior for the past 6 months. It started slight, then more obvious, to now- we aren’t talking because I called her out on being passive aggressive. I know my tendencies as an empathetic person are to soften to her, play small, people please. I realize now that is a huge default of mine, and probably what make me such an easy target for these power hungry, insecure women. I’m always so amazed and appalled when I finally realize it. I don’t think I’m looking for these women, but I find myself here again. I appreciate your article, I’m going to check out the rest of your page now 🙂
I thought I answered you but it says I did not, so I am not sure. I think empathy is a wonderful trait. It is a strength and not a weakness to reach out to others and be kind hearted. Be empathetic because you want to be; not to be a people pleaser. Don’t be a people pleaser. Please yourself and you will feel your power. Just do it! It is not being selfish. It is being smart. Warmly, Honey
I did lost many gal people along the way. Similar experiences as you did, also lost a gd job because of a woman at work. I often question why. Was it me? But I realised its them. Jealousy I assume, either over my fortune in life & career. There were some l severed the ties as I don’t gain any benefits out of the friendship whilst others I took a thousand steps behind(or ahead) and occasionally get in touch. We all need galpals. But after so long and so much of nonsense I decided to take charge and keep my sanity in check. I’m single,44, with a career and I don’t need my mummy friends to constantly looked down at me over my achievements (some belittled my professional opinions when they are just a public servant whilst Im in the private sector) or my choice of men. And yes, I’m always looking out for new friends who have similar thoughts like mine. But as age catch up, I resign to fate and just do my best to keep myself sane!
One sentence struck me as very wise. Choose friends who have similar thoughts as mine. Do that and you will find fulfillment. You only need one! I will be your friends. xo Honey
Thank you for your post.
I recently had the experience of a woman, 25 years my junior take credit for a report that I literally spent hundreds of hours on at work. I was stunned, although I don’t know why I would be, this is exactly the behavior I’ve experienced from women over and over. I did confront her but she was snippy and denied it. I’m thinking about leaving the agency. The only reason I’m currently staying is because I’m trying to monitor her and make sure she doesn’t continue to credit herself with my work; which I’m convinced she’ll do after I leave.
It was very validating to read your article and to understand that this is a cultural thing and that lots of women experience this. It doesn’t make it right but it helps me to not feel quite so isolated and attacked.
If you are very unhappy at your agency why don’t you look around for another place to ‘hang your work and be validated?’ Why spend negative time watching over her shoulder. She is not going to change. Put your time into positive actions that will fulfill you. I am not aware of how your company handles problems but my reward would be to leave a documented report, not hateful, of her actions to the higher up that will do something about this the day I spread my wings and found fulfillment somewhere else. Just something to think about.Warmly, Honey
Thank you for this article. It truly has been helpful to me. I’ve been in a friendship with two women who both truly, have very large hearts. One however, with extreme passive aggressive behavior. I’m a people pleaser. I want everyone to get along. I also tend to remain calm and quiet and not call others out on their BS…even when knowing full well they are lying, or manipulating situations. Perhaps my being so passive is what the main bully in my life preys on. I think she knows she can just say whatever banking on the fact that I’m not going to speak up. Because if I do, (in a kind, respectful and sweet manner) she starts yelling, insulting, and trying to cut me off and shut me up. I hate conflict, so I usually will just clam up. I recently experienced a weekend where the bullying just became too much to handle. To the point of seriously contemplating stepping away. This persons personality is so strongly negative that it has tainted the beauty of the other friend whom I thought could never be tainted. And perhaps the other friend is just enjoying the “gift” perks that come with being friends with this strong bully. Which truly disappoints me if so. I never would have pegged her for that kind of person. Personally, can’t do that. Peace of mind is more important to me. I recently experienced true bullying in being belittled, alienated (while present), talked about behind my back and yelled at and threatened like a child in front of others. The other friend participated in the alienation, covered for and lied about the s&!@ talking and sat silent while the bullying took place. It was that moment, I realized she had been tainted. I have to continue on boards and social settings with these two, but know now that I have to remove myself from the toxicity of the main bullying friend which means removing myself from my closer friend who seems to be changing and following in her footsteps. I also know that once I do this, the aggressive friend is going to slaughter me behind my back verbally, worse than ever before. She’s not going to like that I’ve fully taken a stand for myself and pulled away to put a stop to her abuse. This is heartbreaking and very painful for me. I would love to hear stories of those who came out on the other side of severing ties with “friend bullies.” Especially ones who they share social boards, clubs and gatherings with. Do you just back out of all shared groups, or just simply slowly back away from sharing outside time with these individuals?
Bully’s pick on those they ‘think’ they demean ignorer to self elevate themselves because they are insecure. What ever you do don’t drop off of your boards clubs and gatherings. At our age we should be with women who mirror us in kindness and character. One of your friends does not mirror you. She is a bully and you are not. The other one knows the bully is wrong but is afraid to open her mouth to help you. Taking a stand is powerful. Your stand should be that neither of them can chase you off of your boards and other social gatherings. You also have control over your private social life and I would cut the one out of your life completely. If the other one wants to get together let her know ( and don’t give your reasons) that you will not include the other woman. Period. No discussion even if she tries to pull you in. Now she will have to make a choice between you and the bully. Let her. You will find out her true character. Remember: silence on your part is golden. Use actions instead of words. Keep me informed. Warmly, Honey
Thought your column focused on female bully friends and acquaintances, I think the worst is a bully female boss. I worked for one for about 18 months. We could tell how the day would go by how the door slammed as she arrived. When I first took the job she trash talked my predecessor. I could find no files, maybe 50 cards in the Rolodex (yeah, that thing), I thought my predecessor was an idiot. I found out she was a detailed person with an MA and that the boss had trashed all my predecessor’s records and files before I arrived. Then my mother died, then my dad died a few months later. While I was away for Dad’s funeral with laptop in hand, I didn’t order the “right” food that the boss wanted in the company’s skybox at our sports arena where she planned to entertain her school age children and their pals. I prayed for time off to deal with the grief. I got it when she fired me 4 months later for some other infraction. I had been with that firm 15 years and worked exclusively for corporate officers including the president. She got hers a few years later when she gave dishonest guidance to her investment bankers which eventually took that Fortune 100 company down in flames.
Lesson learned: There is a lot to be said for mental health. Toxic environments are not worth your mental or physical health.
There are usually consequences for bad behavior. She deserved hers. Unfortunately, you took the brunt of her bullying. I am so sorry. Warmly, Honey
I feel that this statement is a romantic myth and a part of the problem: “Most women are compassionate and have the desire to support and nurture one another”. Why do women get away with being innocent all the time? My mother believes herself to be a good person BECAUSE SHE IS A MOM and I could say the same thing happened to so many of my friends when they had kids. My old friend randomly married this woman and had a kid and now she gets away with all kinds of condescending comments. Her femaleness & Mommy image are the perfect smokescreen! No one is going to mess with her because she is the gatekeeper to our friend and his kids. I’m sure she bullied me in the past out of insecurity just like my mother and older sister do to all the women in our family that don’t bow down to them. I have grown much more confident lately and have realized how pathetic bullies are and that I don’t need to assimilate into their sexist harem of fake friends. They’re potted plants I like to say, potted plants that are terrified of being their own people and who are afraid of not being popular as if adult life were just as sad as high school.
Some women never grow up and they spend their entire lives tap dancing for their archaic mothers. They don’t like women who have their own minds and don’t need the mob. They’re afraid to live so they hobble themselves by hanging out with other scaredy-cat women who would never dare break the rules. Bully women are goodie two shoeses with a philosophy straight out of the 50s. They may look like hipsters but inside they are desperate to fit in with powerful men. Good thing men prefer nonconformist women, however this may account for female bullies choices of targets. They envy women who don’t need the approval of other women.
I always found that male friends were way less self hating than female friends. So many women are like “closet cases”. They want everyone to like them so they’re afraid to be anything that would be considered taboo by their peers. They can’t choose who they get to be because to fit into society today a woman has to get married and have a baby. Having a baby is the ultimate hobbling tool and this is why mothers pressure their daughters so much to do it. My mother always discouraged me from being a tomboy. I never understood it until I saw my friend’s Moms harassing them about having kids. Why would you force that on your daughter and then convince her it was her own idea? No one chose to have a baby in the past they chose to have sex and a baby was the side effect. You can choose to have a baby and be non threatening to all the women around you or you can choose to be childless and be looked at like a failure. Success is motherhood; careers are considered gravy. Find me an enmeshed daughter with a mother who didn’t hammer that point home.
A bully is a person who picks on another woman who she think is weak. They bully is really the weak one. She does this to self-elevate herself. A strong woman of character helps her weaker sister. Be true to yourself not to others. You will be admired. Warmly, Honey
Please let me know if I did not answer you. I think I have…twice. But I am not 100% certain. Awaiting your reply. Warmly, Honey (not a people pleaser!)
I just now saw this article. I’ve been having sooo much trouble being bullied by female friends. The problem seems to get worse every year. I’m 62 & don’t remember getting bullied at all by friends as a teen & young adult. The intensive bullying by other women began when I hit my forties & has just kept getting worse & worse. Nothing that I have tried works. I search long & hard for kindred souls who will mirror my kindness & loyalty, but I keep getting kicked in the teeth. I try to shrug off little bits of sketchy behavior as someone having a bad day but when it becomes a clear pattern of bullying I confront. They always respond by pointing the finger at me with completely bogus & usually flat out ridiculous accusations. Sigh. I’m so very very very very tired of meeting & making new friends, believing I’ve finally found a good one or two, only to have my teeth kicked in with cruel & bullying behavior. In every case these are women I have always been there for, bent over backwards to help when asked, always treated them with respect & kindness, but always end up being dumped on & then dumped when I confront them with their behavior. How, how, how do you find true female friends? I have no family at all and only my wonderful boyfriend as my sole emotional support in this world. I’m so very glad I have him but I so miss the wonderful & supportive laughter filled female friendships of my youth. Help!!!
Let’s start out on a positive note: You have a steady eddie boyfriend who loves you. He is your best friend. My husband is my best girlfriend!! I tell him that because he loves me unconditionally. I wish you would have given me some examples. It is hard for me to help you unless I know. Please write back to me if you want to with examples and I will do my best to help. I am curious what they say to you or do. You obviously know the importance of choosing friends who mirror you, not who you have to mirror.That is very important. Reach out to me again with an example and I will give you my sincere thought. Warmly, Honey
Loved your article, especially re those bullied exude femininity. I had a similar situation where someone who I thought to be a friend turned mean and ran me out of her “club”. She then told other member I didn’t want phone calls and spread untruths painting me in a negative light. Thank goodness other caring members reached out in the midst of this and she was “busted”. Who knows why insecure bullies are threatened but it is sad and really not very attractive.
I experienced the same from a middle school best friend during college. We were so close like family and I always put her first in friends and supported her through her breakup even. But she was always two-faced. Deep down she just had a lot of negativity which showed up in college and it was horrible. Unfortunately no other mutual friends cared. They just enjoyed the show and some even joined her in the bullying but also wanted friendship benefits from me. I was going through a very bad phase and it was like all bad luck was showered on me at the same time. I did speak up but to no avail because that girl always got her way out by gaslighting. I wish I had atleast one person to support me in all this but that never happened. I stay away from that “gang” to keep my peace but somewhere I feel a lot of resentment for how they are just enjoying life without guilt after treating me that way. It’s really getting on my head, like I want to file a case against her and send her to jail if it was under law for the mental verbal bullying. Or just wish that something big happens right now only like karma which ends her deal completely so she never dares to bully and gaslight anyone ever.
I am a bit confused. Did this bullying take place in the past and you are harboring anger? Or is it still going on today because you all live in the same community.
If this bullying occurred in the past – it is time to let go. Our pasts make us better women. We learn from past experiences. I have had my share as has every woman in the world.Hopefully what you learned is to choose better friends.
If these women are in your life as I write – delete them now. Get them out of your life. It is better to be alone than to be bullied and filled with anger. Join a group in your community of nice women whose interest match yours.No one needs tons of friends – one or two is wonderful
Join my Celebrate Life for women over 50 on line private Facebook Group too. Ask the question on line and see the opinions you get. I have a feeling that you will receive several.
Warmly,
Honey
A friend just mentioned a book she read about bullies.When women reached 70 it gets worse!!!! You were fortunate to have good friends to rally around you. Often women stay silent. Happy for you. Warmly, Honey
My middle daughter had been bullied really badly in school, it began in 7th grade, now she is a 30+ beautiful young woman and yet still is bullied somewhat. She gets talked about behind her back and in Facebook. She basically has let go of most relationships and I hate it for her but even though I know it bothers her somewhat she is such a strong woman and very busy with her family, traveling and career but neither of my other daughters ever had this problem nor have I. I wasn’t the most popular in school, not a ton of friends but now I still don’t have tons of close friends but the ones I do have are incredibly loyal and we have a sister type friendship. But last year while living in a different city ( I have recently moved back to my home town. ) I met a woman, I liked her very much, we had so much fun, swimming, riding bikes, visiting thrift stores and boutiques and lunches. So forth, then when I was out of town a couple months later she met a woman and then we all did some things together, including going to listen to live music at a little club and going to the beach and swimming. But after several weeks the second woman began to ( because of my political beliefs which just kinda came out began to ridicule me, and so I did not say anything but several weeks later I accidentally ( not thinking) just mentioned something political and she begins to scream and yell. We were in a little antique area of town. Going into lovely boutiques and having a lovely picnic lunch on a really beautiful day. So she is yelling at the top of her lungs, people of course were all around, it upset me so much. The whole weekend I was just really upset. I’m not sure if this is considered bullying but to me just because you think politically different from someone doesn’t give them this right because I felt she was yelling and criticizing me also. We went out a few more times but then she got sick and was in the hospital and I reached out to her. Then I got really sick for several weeks. And I was very sick so I did not talk to either of them, then I ran into her in Walmart one day she did ask how I was I told her I’d been very sick but finally felt better just in past few days and that was true. She cut me off didn’t seemed concerned or interested. That was 3 months ago and I literally moved as of three weeks ago. It’s like God gave me Titus 3:9, and I prayed and thought about it and then he gave me the verse. And I decided to end my relationship with them, and I have not heard from either anymore. There were some other little things but with all of it put together I felt like God was telling me to sever my tights. I’ve wondered if I was right or wrong but now I feel I made the right decision and they probably don’t even realize I’m not living there any longer. I hate it but I’m blessed with my friends here, and who knows maybe one day we will meet again and at least be able to talk and catch up but if not it’s ok too….
Thank you Honey (and Karen)! I am finding friends who mirror my values because vaginas don’t teach us right from wrong. Women are conformists who rarely dare disagree with queen bees because most sisterhoods are actually about kissing some diva’s ring (no shade to you Honey. You’re clearly lovely and down for having the chutzpah to write this article). The followers in my “Feminist Book Club” all thought the exact same right things about EVERY BOOK. They had no time for the mountains of books documenting women’s inhumanity to women and certainly would never read the Phylis Chesler book of the same name. These women were gobsmacked when I said slut shaming is way less common amongst our peers than prude shaming.They’ll call you uptight nowadays but the point is female bullies like to work in packs and they use the fashionable morality of their particular time as a cudgel with which to beat anyone challenging the morals they claim to hold in order to gain power. Female friend groups are like the mafia and we make offerings to the Doña to keep her off our trail. People think it’s cute when women gang up on each other and spread rumors; they look at it as “fair play” (just like the Scientologts). They all go along with it because they think of us as if we were simple little children.
Literature is packed with nonconvential female heroines who walk a tightrope with the basic females in their life who live and die to back the bus over a cute young woman.
The day a woman realizes she can have wonderful women friends in her life is the day she ‘chooses friends who mirror her values.’ Period. You are searching for those type women. Yes, you are correct. There are women bullies; they usually run in packs and there is a leader. I prefer kind, smart and empathetic women who have something to give and say and don’t need a ‘security pack.’They are independent thinkers.When you have one best friend, a few good friends and several acquaintances who come and go in your life, you are a fortunate woman. It appears you are on the right track.Keep searching for those mirrored women. Keep me posted. Warmly, Honey
This article comforted me so much. I am currently in a social situation where envy began brewing in one little girl’s heart toward my daughter. She infected my daughter’s friend group, and the mothers ganged up on me as well. My daughter started college at 15 and is an accomplished musician, but has always been humble about her accomplishments. It is therapeutic just knowing the group banishment of us was probably borne out of their own insecurities. I believe primates also behave this way when they feel threatened by a more capable primate. Thank you for this post. The head game can be daunting, but one has to learn to go it alone and pray for friends that will sharpen us, challenge us, and most of all love us. Also, some women really never do grow up.
I firmly believe that everyone woman should be with women who ‘mirror’ their values, who are like them. Then there is a comfort level, a mutual trust that allows a friendship to develop. And, of course they should sharpen us. Warmly, Honey
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This was a perfect article to read today. A few months ago, we invited 3 couples to come to our timeshare. This was the 8th year 2 of the couples were coming with us. Let me admit that I was down. My father had passed, and I was going to the funeral when we got home. I am a one year cancer survivor, so it’s been a really hard year. The last night, the other girls all wore matching outfits! I’ve known them for 10-20 years! One had asked if I thought she could dress really casually for fine dining. I said that I wouldn’t, but she could wear whatever she wanted (our only night of fine dining). I was crushed, a few days after we got home, I was excluded from a birthday trip to a concert! When confronted them, they claim to be shocked that I was offended. “They love me, and would never hurt my feelings”. Seriously? Mean girls are growing up to be mean old women. Hurting other women for power in the group!
There was one additional couple invited, right? Who is this third girl? And, were the girls who excluded you the same three girls who you invited to your timeshare? Yes, it was very very mean spirited to leave you out. Concerning what to wear: you were not controlling, You wore what you wanted to wear and told them to wear whatever they wished. I am just wondering if the third girl is the trouble maker? You have had a hard year with Cancer and loss. If any of these three friends do not have empathy to be extra sensitive and caring, consider deleting them from your life and look for women friends who mirror you. Warmly, Honey
I am very aware of toxic women. My radar is able to see them coming. My radar is well-tuned because my sister has always been jealous of me. My parents didn’t help as they compared us and let her know that I was the thin, pretty, smart one but she did have lovely eyes. It was years before I realised I was being bulled by her in the most devious manner – sometimes with her in tears if I dared to be busy if she needed help. She even formed a relationship with 2 of my ex-husbands and her excuse was, “Well, you had finished with them, so what.” She is strongly addicted to alcohol and for all sorts of reasons, I pity her, but I only allow her into my life under my rules. I need to be strong, otherwise, I know she is capable of swamping my life. I have worked very hard to be aware, accepting of myself and understanding what our toxic parents gave us to deal with. I appreciate how you defend our right to only have those in our lives who have similar thoughts. BTW _ I love the photo of you both peeking around your screens to share a conspirational smile! Precious.
You understand the photo. I am not surprised that you got it. I wonder how many of the woman grasped its intent? Warmly, Honey
Thank you for your kind words…I’ve had a horrid experience of a “friend” who turned on me, she’s very competitive and lately, just critical of everything I do. She decided to address her issues with me but instead tore my character apart, and goaded me to go home and take “the whole bottle” of my anxiety pills…..She’s been angry at a lot of people lately, and it was horrid for her to address my anxiety issues (which she is aware of). I am still shaking.
Please stop shaking! She has the problem. Thank goodness you don’t. You know who you are and revel in it. You are a good person who wants to be treated kindly by your friend. I would give her a nice ‘hay you.’ Tell her to treat you with respect and kindness or you will be forced to delete her from your life. Use your empowerment in a ladylike manner. If she quiets down you won. If she does not quiet down, you won. 🙂 Warmly, Honey
My supposed best friend…just realized the pattern recently 🫤
Glad I was able to help. Warmly, Honey
Wow … thank you. A woman at my martial arts gym has started being my bully. I let so much go, only for her to keep escalating conflict, involving others, lieing. Got to the point where she is wanting any punch bag that I am on. So proud of myself. On a yellow bag she said “which bag are you on?” I asked “Why do you want this bag when there are lots free?” Then she lost the plot when I offered the bag to a man, as it got busy. Claiming it as hers, asking “What is your problem with me?” Told her that considering she knows my trauma background and need for space. She lost the plot. Verbal abuse spewed. Quickly followed by gossip and lies. This woman has always been controlling, she doesn’t like me standing in my own power. Going to use this article to explore what she is seeing in me that makes her jealous and insecure. Thanks for this …
You are so welcome. I am so glad I can help. My advice is to take the high road. Don’t get into her mouth. Ignore her. Warmly, Honey
What if they aren’t a friend but your neighbours new girlfriend. I am single – but much older, over 50. She is maybe in her thirties.
I’ve been bullied before and the person got away with and it felt like she’d turned people against me. She gets under my skin with her passive aggressive indirectness. I can’t help being triggered which just gets everything wrong. I’m pushed around so much by women, and feel unable to deal with it effectively. Ignoring them doesn’t work.
Ignoring them over a period of time will work. keep it up. Stay out of their path. Empower yourself by Deleting them from your life. Warmly, Honey