I am searching for a magic elixir to solve a serious ethical dilemma. I believe everyone is the creator of their magic, just as I have had to navigate my own dilemmas with my own mother. In a sense, we possess the same skills as magical fairies. Our magic wand is filled with our ability to work out our dilemmas by climbing the stairs, not riding the elevator, taking our time (which is difficult because we want instant answers), and keeping our eyes and ears open to serendipitous moments.

When you have a dilemma of magnitude, your first step is to question your assumption — an idea you accept as accurate but without proof; what I learned and want to share with you this Sunday Morning is that your assumption may not be the authentic cause of your dilemma. I speak from my personal experience.

I want to share what I learned over time — never trust that your assumption will lead you to the right solution. The urge to find a solution quickly is how humans deal with their dilemmas and is often a superficial solution.

Many of you reading this article have happy families, whatever that means in today’s society, but face other serious dilemmas, so don’t be dissuaded by my example.

Understanding Family Estrangement

Family estrangement is a complex and often painful experience that affects many individuals and families. It can be defined as the physical or emotional distance between family members, often resulting from conflict, abuse, neglect, or other forms of toxic behavior. Estrangement can occur between parents and adult children, siblings, or other family members. Many individuals seek support and guidance to navigate their relationships with estranged parents, finding it a transformative journey towards emotional healing and reconnection. Understanding the causes and effects of family estrangement is crucial for individuals seeking to heal and move forward.

Research suggests that family estrangement is more common than previously thought, with approximately one-quarter of American adults reporting estrangement from their fathers and 6% from their mothers. Estrangement can be a difficult decision, but it can also be a necessary step towards protecting oneself and one’s loved ones from harm.

Defining Estrangement and Its Prevalence

Estrangement is a complex and often misunderstood phenomenon that affects many families. It is defined as the state of being alienated or separated from a family member, often due to a breakdown in communication, trust, or emotional connection. Estrangement can occur between parents and adult children, siblings, or other family members. According to a 2022 study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, about one-quarter of American adults were estranged from their fathers, and 6% were estranged from their mothers. This prevalence highlights the need for a deeper understanding of estrangement and its effects on individuals and families.

The reasons behind estrangement are varied and multifaceted. They can stem from long-standing conflicts, differences in values or lifestyles, or more severe issues such as physical abuse, domestic violence, or mental illness. The impact of estrangement is profound, affecting not only the individuals directly involved but also the entire family dynamic. It can lead to feelings of loss, grief, and isolation, making it essential for those affected to seek support and understanding.

Solving a Serious Dilemma: Getting on the Right Path

I speak from experience. For years, I lived with a wrong assumption. My assumption would have kept me stuck in my dilemma. I would never have been able to find a solution to fix what I needed to fix.

I am now on the right path, though I have not solved my ethical dilemma, and truth be told, I may never find what I lost. Nevertheless, I am now on the right path to finding the right solution. I have hope, a strong desire, and the correct right of passage to find green pastures.

I am a suffering, estranged mother and grandmother who needs to find other means to fill this void left by my estranged adult child. That is my dilemma.

The solution is to find a replacement for this loss. Is it doable? Now that I am on the right path, I believe it is—given time. It would not have been possible if I had continued following my assumption.

Understanding the problem was challenging because I could not see the forest from the trees: individual loss – family loss.

So, I advise you not to leap into what you deem a solvable answer but rather — sit with your problem for a time, seek advice from others you respect, write down your thoughts by journaling, and have the patience to live into the right answer. For the record, this took me more than a few years, so be patient with yourself.

When Estrangement Is Necessary for Self-Preservation

In some cases, estrangement may be necessary for self-preservation. When a family member’s behavior is toxic, abusive, or neglectful, it can be essential to create distance to protect one’s own mental health and well-being. This decision is often made after years of trying to maintain a relationship, only to realize that it is causing more harm than good. Estrangement can be a difficult and painful process, but it can also be a necessary step towards healing and growth. It is essential to prioritize one’s own needs and take care of oneself, even if it means distancing oneself from a family member.

The journey to this decision is rarely straightforward. It often involves a period of intense reflection and soul-searching, weighing the pros and cons of maintaining the relationship versus the toll it takes on one’s mental health. For many, the realization comes after repeated attempts to mend the relationship, only to be met with continued hurt and disappointment. In such cases, estrangement becomes a form of self-care, a way to reclaim one’s peace and well-being.

From Assumption to Solution: Addressing Mental Health

How I turned my assumption into a correct solution — with the help of a friend and acknowledging that she was correct.

My assumption: I based the dilemma of my unimaginable loss on each individual in my family. I spent hours, days, and years thinking about each person. There was no way I would ever find a solution if I continued down this path.

I spent my time thinking of wonderful memories with a daughter or a grand and wondered how I could woo them back into my good graces. Over and over, I asked what I did wrong to be buried alive. I thought about the years we missed holding each other’s hands and laughing with them. The holidays missed, and the needs of my grandchildren and daughters to be able to come to me for advice and vice versa.

I wished for communication to solve this debilitating experience for all concerned. I wondered if they missed me or even thought of me. It has been and is a dreadful journey.

Occasions like happy Mother’s Day often bring a mix of emotions, highlighting the strained relationships and unresolved issues between mothers and their children.

Looking back, this was a necessary assignment before I could understand there was a solvable answer to my ethical dilemma. I realized that reflecting on my own behavior was crucial. By acknowledging my role in the estrangement, I could move towards genuine understanding and potential reconciliation.

My Solution:

Find a family atmosphere in my hometown to replace the loss of my immediate family. I daydream daily that ‘everything’ is possible. Now, I have given myself hope, and I believe, ultimately, I will find that nest and joy.

My Actions: Reflecting on Own Behavior

I listen to what is going on around me. I have open discussions concerning my situation with women I am interested in and trust. I put my foot in the water and try new opportunities I am curious. I will discover green pastures with mindful consistency and that delicious mix of fate. I will have success.

The Role of Shame and Guilt in Estrangement

Shame and guilt are common emotions experienced by individuals who are estranged from a family member. These feelings can be overwhelming and may lead to self-doubt and uncertainty. However, it is essential to recognize that estrangement is not always a reflection of one’s own worth or value as a person. Rather, it may be a necessary response to a toxic or abusive situation. It is crucial to acknowledge and work through these emotions, rather than letting them dictate one’s decisions or self-perception. By doing so, individuals can begin to heal and move forward, free from the burden of shame and guilt.

The societal expectation that family bonds should be unbreakable can exacerbate these feelings of shame and guilt. Many individuals feel judged or misunderstood by others who have not experienced similar situations. It’s important to remember that estrangement is a deeply personal decision, often made in the context of preserving one’s mental health and well-being. By seeking therapy or support groups, individuals can find a safe space to process these emotions and gain validation for their experiences.

The Mother Wound and Family Estrangement

The Mother Wound is a term used to describe the emotional and psychological impact of a dysfunctional or toxic relationship between a mother and daughter. This wound can be a significant factor in family estrangement, particularly between mothers and adult daughters. The Mother Wound can manifest in various ways, including emotional abuse, neglect, or a lack of emotional support.

For those who have experienced sexual assault, it is crucial to seek help and support from resources like the National Sexual Assault Hotline.

Healing the Mother Wound requires a deep understanding of the complex dynamics at play and a willingness to confront and work through painful emotions. This process can be challenging, but it is essential for individuals seeking to break free from toxic patterns and establish healthy relationships.

The Grandmother Question

The grandmother question is a common concern for motherless mothers who are estranged from their own mothers. How do they explain the situation to their child? How do they navigate the complexities of family relationships and dynamics? It is essential to be honest and open with one’s child, explaining the reasons for the estrangement in an age-appropriate way. This can help children understand and accept the situation, rather than feeling confused or uncertain. By being frank and honest, motherless mothers can work to create a positive and supportive relationship with their child, despite the challenges of estrangement.

Children are perceptive and can often sense when something is amiss. By providing them with a clear and honest explanation, parents can help alleviate any confusion or anxiety their children might feel. It’s also important to reassure children that the estrangement is not their fault and that they are loved and supported. This approach fosters an environment of trust and openness, allowing children to feel secure even amidst family complexities.

How to Find a Niche in Family Estrangement?

I don’t know where my new family is — yet. But trust me, I know they are out there, and I will find them, or they will give me a tap on my shoulder and know I have found my calling.

And better yet, I may find more than one family! Maybe in my city or somewhere else. I love this idea!

I do have family nests all over the USA and beyond. And, I have my wonderful and loving family, whom I married into, who would be by my side instantly with one phone call. Unfortunately, my nest of close friends and the Good family do not live in Chicago. I am searching for a family in my town.

I am sure many of you are experiencing the same situation — you miss family. For those of you in my situation, due to estrangement from adult children or those living far away from your family, I know you are feeling the same emptiness. Estranged daughters, in particular, may find this journey transformative, leading to greater self-awareness and connection with others who share similar struggles.

Trusting Oneself and One’s Decision to Estrange

Trusting oneself and one’s decision to estrange is a crucial aspect of the healing process. It is essential to recognize that estrangement is not a failure or a personal flaw, but rather a necessary response to a difficult situation. By trusting oneself and one’s decision, individuals can begin to heal and move forward, free from the burden of self-doubt and uncertainty. This trust can also help individuals develop a stronger sense of self and self-worth, which is essential for building positive and healthy relationships in the future.

The path to self-trust often involves reaffirming one’s reasons for estrangement and recognizing the positive impact it has on one’s mental health and overall well-being. It may also involve setting new boundaries and learning to prioritize one’s own needs and desires. By doing so, individuals can cultivate a sense of empowerment and resilience, enabling them to navigate future relationships with greater confidence and clarity.

The Importance of Self-Care and Prioritization

Self-care and prioritization are essential for individuals navigating family estrangement. This includes prioritizing one’s own emotional well-being, setting healthy boundaries, and seeking support from trusted friends, family members, or mental health professionals.

Self-care can take many forms, including exercise, meditation, or creative pursuits. Prioritizing one’s own needs and desires can help individuals feel more grounded and empowered, even in the face of challenging family dynamics.

In addition to self-care, prioritizing one’s own life and goals is crucial for individuals seeking to move forward from family estrangement. This may involve setting boundaries with toxic family members, pursuing new relationships or hobbies, or focusing on personal growth and development.

By prioritizing self-care and one’s own life, individuals can begin to heal and move forward from family estrangement, even in the absence of a supportive family environment.

It’s Taken Me Years, I’m Giving You a Shortcut

I define your and my grief as the loss of love. For those of you living a far distance from a loving family or are estranged from your adult children, I am sure you think of the memories that will never be, the kisses your grandchildren will never feel, the adventures you could have shared, and the advice you could have left them in their heads and the missed family get-togethers.

Sometimes, I wish I lived in Japan, where older family members are revered, and children stay in the nest, unlike my own mother who I am estranged from. Don’t you?! Want to move? Amen.

I found my answer. It has taken years to discover. I hope for those of you who are in my shoes that I have given you food for thought. If your family tosses you out — find a new family! It is not easy and I am still trying to find my footing. It is my goal, and, every goal is commendable. It is my hope and hope is a driver to discovery. Luckily, I have my big girl pants on. I am climbing the stairs and I know I will live into an answer — one day.

Finding a new type of family that will make me feel whole again is not going to be easy and maybe never attainable because of my family experiences as a child and young adult with my extended family. Oh! How I miss my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and parents. The estranged relationship with my family has been a long and painful journey, filled with emotional turmoil. However, I am committed to healing and finding practical strategies to move forward.

Are you willing to challenge your assumptions in regards to an ethical dilemma involving estranged mothers? Please share with me in the comments below.

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