I am searching for a magic elixir to solve a serious dilemma. I believe everyone is the creator of their magic, so in a sense, we possess the same skills as magical fairies. Our magic wand is filled with our ability to work out our dilemmas by climbing the stairs, not riding the elevator, taking our time (which is difficult because we want instant answers), and keeping our eyes and ears open to serendipitous moments.
When you have a dilemma of magnitude, your first step is to question your assumption — an idea you accept as accurate but without proof; what I learned and want to share with you this Sunday Morning is that your assumption may not be the authentic cause of your dilemma. I speak from my personal experience.
I want to share what I learned over time — never trust that your assumption will lead you to the right solution. The urge to find a solution quickly is how humans deal with their dilemmas and is often a superficial solution.
Many of you reading this article have happy families, whatever that means in today’s society, but face other serious dilemmas, so don’t be dissuaded by my example.
Solving a Serious Dilemma: Getting on the Right Path
I speak from experience. For years, I lived with a wrong assumption. My assumption would have kept me stuck in my dilemma. I would never have been able to find a solution to fix what I needed to fix.
I am now on the right path, though I have not solved my dilemma, and truth be told, I may never find what I lost. Nevertheless, I am now on the right path to finding the right solution. I have hope, a strong desire, and the correct right of passage to find green pastures.
I am a suffering, estranged mother and grandmother who needs to find other means to fill this void. That is my dilemma.
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The solution is to find a replacement for this loss. Is it doable? Now that I am on the right path, I believe it is—given time. It would not have been possible if I had continued following my assumption.
Understanding the problem was challenging because I could not see the forest from the trees: individual loss – family loss.
So, I advise you not to leap into what you deem a solvable answer but rather — sit with your problem for a time, seek advice from others you respect, write down your thoughts by journaling, and have the patience to live into the right answer. For the record, this took me more than a few years, so be patient with yourself.
From Assumption to Solution
How I turned my assumption into a correct solution — with the help of a friend and acknowledging that she was correct.
My assumption: I based the dilemma of my unimaginable loss on each individual in my family. I spent hours, days, and years thinking about each person. There was no way I would ever find a solution if I continued down this path.
I spent my time thinking of wonderful memories with a daughter or a grand and wondered how I could woo them back into my good graces. Over and over, I asked what I did wrong to be buried alive. I thought about the years we missed holding each other’s hands and laughing with them. The holidays missed, and the needs of my grandchildren and daughters to be able to come to me for advice and vice versa.
I wished for communication to solve this debilitating experience for all concerned. I wondered if they missed me or even thought of me. It has been and is a dreadful journey.
Looking back, this was a necessary assignment before I could understand there was a solvable answer to my dilemma.
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My Solution:
Find a family atmosphere in my hometown to replace the loss of my immediate family. I daydream daily that ‘everything’ is possible. Now, I have given myself hope, and I believe, ultimately, I will find that nest and joy.
My Actions:
I listen to what is going on around me.
I have open discussions concerning my situation with women I am interested in and trust.
I put my foot in the water and try new opportunities
I am curious.
I will discover green pastures with mindful consistency and that delicious mix of fate.
I will have success.
How to Find a Niche?
I don’t know where my new family is — yet. But trust me, I know they are out there, and I will find them, or they will give me a tap on my shoulder and know I have found my calling.
And better yet, I may find more than one family! Maybe in my city or somewhere else. I love this idea!
I do have family nests all over the USA and beyond. And, I have my wonderful and loving family, whom I married into, who would be by my side instantly with one phone call. Unfortunately, my nest of close friends and the Good family do not live in Chicago. I am searching for a family in my town.
I am sure many of you are experiencing the same situation — you miss family. For those of you in my situation, due to estrangement from adult children or those living far away from your family, I know you are feeling the same emptiness.
It’s Taken Me Years, I’m Giving You a Shortcut
I define your and my grief as the loss of love. For those of you living a far distance from a loving family or are estranged from your adult children, I am sure you think of the memories that will never be, the kisses your grandchildren will never feel, the adventures you could have shared, and the advice you could have left them in their heads and the missed family get-togethers.
Sometimes, I wish I lived in Japan, where older family members are revered, and children stay in the nest! Don’t you?! Want to move? Amen.
I found my answer. It has taken years to discover. I hope for those of you who are in my shoes that I have given you food for thought. If your family tosses you out — find a new family! It is not easy and I am still trying to find my footing. It is my goal, and, every goal is commendable. It is my hope and hope is a driver to discovery. Luckily, I have my big girl pants on. I am climbing the stairs and I know I will live into an answer — one day.
Finding a new type of family that will make me feel whole again is not going to be easy and maybe never attainable because of my family experiences as a child and young adult with my extended family. Oh! How I miss my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and parents.
Are you willing to challenge your assumptions in regards to your dilemmas? Please share with me in the comments below.
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Honey, I have come to the same place in my life. When you lose a beloved pet you can’t replace them, just like you can’t replace your estranged children. But you can find another channel for your love, empathy, and kindness, and hopefully get a little love in return.
I am lucky to have a lovely step-daughter and son in law, and their two wonderful daughters in my life. We have travelled to far away places together, and I feel blessed to have them. While it may not be what I envisioned, and I still often find myself wishing I could take my own children on these adventures, I’m still grateful to have them. Life is seldom what you expected it to be, but often what you make it to be.
I am happy for you. I love your line – “Life is seldom what you expected it to be, but often what you make it to be.” Thank you. Warmly, Honey
There are surrogate grandmothers in Southern Oregon. Maybe you can find one in Chicago. My heart is with you, dear friend!🩷
Thank you, Diana. I don’t care to be a grandmother to other children. I want to be a grandmother to my grandchildren. I am exhausted emotionally from my ordeal. I still have hope that somewhere I will find a rainbow. Warmly, Honey
Through my heartbreaking family estrangement over the going on 2 decades, I have learned that it is not that I am missing them. Now, that they are grown and are free to choose, they do not.
I realized that it saddens me greatly that this is what they have become. They just do not care. And there are many websites that encourage family estrangements and the new normal. Woke!
Woke is going to die out and go away- finally. It did a lot of damage. I am sorry for your grief. I know how you feel. Warmly,Honey
Please open your heart and welcome a new family. I did and the experience has been extraordinary. I don’t have children and have been a widow twice. My second husbands children have been incredibly good to me but don’t live close. Our caregivers, when David was sick were from Mongolia. I was surprised at their intelligence and integrity. After Davids death I helped them sometimes financially but mostly with encouragement. Two now have master’s degrees in business one has become a CPA and another is thriving in the music business. Iam grandma to their 5 children plus the bonus of of becoming a member of all their aunt’s uncles and cousins’ families.
I can’t begin to tell you how much love has blossomed in my life. In the past 18 months both families have moved within 20 minutes of me because we want to be close. They have become my lifeline. I am so fortunate.
I know you from high school and you always had a big heart to open. Let the sunshine in. 💝
Hi Karen, Of course I remember you. I can see your face in front of me. I am so happy you have found a family to love and that loves you in return. You are blessed. Where do you live? I assume you know I am in Chicago. Truth be told I am suffering from my daughter’s estrangement. The damage done to my grandchildren who love me is irreparable. The damage done to me is also irreparable. I have been buried alive. I miss family and I am keeping my eyes open for a serendipity happening. I miss the nest. Your note gives me hope. On another note: I am in weekly contact with Janice Generis by email. I noticed she read my blogs 99%. I reached out to her about a year ago and we have become pen pals and very close. We share everything with one another. Serendipity! She lives in South Carolina. Keep in touch! Warmly, Susan