Today’s story was written by Andrea Pflaumer, who usually offers us sage style advice for us women over 50. But today, she muses on a topic that I have become all too familiar with over the past year of my life — caregiving. I’ve recently shared the story of how I felt that my life shrunk when I took on the role of caregiver. Since then, I have written a follow-up detailing how to take joy in solitary pleasures here, as many of you have reached out, and I understand how important this topic is. Read on to get Andrea’s heartfelt (and just plain good) advice on how to care for yourself when you are in a caretaking role.
When caring for your loved ones becomes your primary role in the relationship, it’s imperative that you make time to care for yourself.
When we commit to the person we choose to spend the rest of our lives with, we willingly pledge to do so “in sickness and in health.” What that implies is not fully understood until someone we love suddenly requires our care 24/7. The amount of sacrifice, time, and energy involved is daunting.
I recently spoke with Denise Lampron, the founder of an organization called The Art of Mindful Aging to ask about maintaining balance in life while caretaking a significant other. (Denise is helping her life partner as well as carrying the majority of responsibility for her father.) She addressed the subject in several unique ways.
Creating a Third “Entity”
What she explained is that that we tend to view a loving relationship as our personal safety net. “We feel that finally, someone will care for us and share our life’s journey. It gives us a standing in the community. We are one part of the relationship, and our partner is the other.”
But she suggests that the relationship itself is a third entity, a container on its own: “It has an aliveness and an awareness and energy to it and if we get quiet and pay attention, we understand what that entity needs. And then we can nourish it and feed it.”
The great advantage of seeing the situation from this angle is that it can lighten the load that caretaking requires. It allows us to continue experiencing the love we feel for the person while experiencing the situation more objectively.
One way to reinforce this is by saying: “Well, let’s see what this (test, doctor’s appointment, rehabilitation exercise, treatment, etc.) is going to show us today.” It lightens up the “charge” around these events. It also helps the person you are caring for to feel less burdensome.
Being Honest…Without Spilling Your Guts
Healthy communication is crucial to make that 3rd entity – the relationship – stronger. But knowing both what to say and when to say it are key.
In Denise’s example of how she approaches this she says, “Let’s talk. How was that? What are you concerned about? What do you need from me that I’m maybe not giving you in this context? It opens the discussion about where we are.”
In some cases a caretaker will receive information from a healthcare professional that is not shared with the patient. When this happens, you need courage and discrimination. Say what needs to be said but also recognize what doesn’t need to be said.
By examining your own private worries or your own timeline needs, you’ll get a clue about to whether something is helpful or not. It requires pulling back a bit and reminding yourself, “That’s not important, that’s not something that will contribute to their well-being.”
Our Relationship With Ourselves
Guilt is often a large part of the caretaking experience. When you are exhausted and feel you can’t take a break the relationship can becomes solely what Denise describes as “obligatory and transactional.”
Maintaining self-care while caretaking someone is not just crucial for you, it actually contributes to the health of the relationship. “You’re giving them the honor of who you are and what you need…those boundaries actually have a way of giving a healthy structure to the relationship,” Denise adds.
It’s also important to admit to yourself what you are feeling and then express your feelings respectfully. People may argue about situations but no one can deny how you feel about those situations. It just requires honesty without expressing blame.
The script might be: “Sweetie (or Mom, Dad) you know I love you; I want to do the best I can, but I’m feeling (exhausted, frustrated, overwhelmed, etc.) about the amount of time it takes, (or the energy it requires, the lack of cooperation from the other kids, the rest of the family, whomever it is.) Can we talk about that?”
But it’s one thing to be honest and another to be brutal. My meditation teacher used to always say, “Speak the sweet truth.” Before gently saying “what we need to do now is…” start off difficult conversations with something that is uplifting for the person, something that makes them feel good, loved, and supported. It could be a story about a friend or family member who asked about them. Or it could simply be expressing your appreciation for who they are, for something you have learned from them. It could even be an amusing or heartwarming story on a subject that you know they would appreciate.
Rejuvenate Yourself to Be a Better Caretaker
Once you’ve been honest about your feelings and the challenges that caretaking involves you will have opened the door to allow yourself to replenish your physical and emotional energy.
So choose something that gives you a mental and physical break. Removing yourself from the physical space where you have the responsibility will help clear your mind. You are not leaving or abandoning the person. You’re simply expanding the space of the relationship’s container.
Maybe go for a walk in nature while your loved one is napping. Take yourself out to lunch or have tea with a friend who has a supportive ear. Window shopping, getting a hair trim, or a pedicure while your loved one is at an appointment or while someone else has taken over the responsibility for a while can reset your energy level and mindset. Maybe you just need to take a 20-30 minute meditation break or just sit quietly and listen to your favorite music.
There is a special place in Heaven for those who take on the enormous challenge of caretaking. It can be done. And it can be done respectfully, without sacrificing your well-being.
How has your outlook changed since becoming a caregiver? If you are not yet in that position, how has this opened your eyes? Please share in the comments.
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Andrea Pflaumer is the author of two books: the Amazon best-seller Shopping for the Real You: Ten Essential Steps to a Perfect Wardrobe for Every Woman: Fashionistas, Fashion-phobes, and the Over 50 and She’s Got Good Jeans – a guide for how to shop for and where to find the perfect jeans for your body and budget.
She does in-person and online wardrobe and shopping consultations for women worldwide and blogs at Shopping for the Real You. Her free course, Lazy Person’s Guide to a Perfect Wardrobe is available on GoHighbrow. Andrea hosts two video series: Vital, Vivacious, and Visible after 50 and Shopping for the Real You: Expert Edition. She interviews women in the areas of fashion, beauty and wellness on her Shopping for the Real You YouTube channel. She is a regular contributor to several national and international publications for women over 50 and is presenting an online class this November through the American Institute of Image Consultants.
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