This story was originally posted in 2016 and has been updated for your reading enjoyment!
If you want to be a good mother in law, try following my advice!
Let me start you off with a quick saying, dear reader, to get you in the mood for my story on how to be a good mother-in-law: “Close one eye to keep friends, close both eyes to keep relatives, and close both eyes and your mouth to keep your daughters-in-law.”
There is a houseplant called Mother-in-Law’s Tongue (a Snake Plant). Why? From its sharpness and sword-like leaves!
I was widowed and I remarried, therefore, I had the experience of dealing with two mothers-in-law. They both had sharp tongues.
My First Mother-in-Law
My first mother-in-law should have been written up in the Guinness Book of World Records under the “worst of the worst.” And darling, I am not saying this tongue in cheek!
One day, years ago, I gave a woman a ride to an event. We shared a bit of our history on the way to the luncheon. It turned out she knew my first mother-in-law. Out of the blue she said, “You had the worst mother-in-law in America. I don’t know how you survived.” It was true. The saving grace was my late husband. He always sided with me.
My Second Mother-in-Law
My second mother-in-law also had a sharp tongue but she was a hoot. She is the mother of my Ultimate Concierge. Widowed at forty-nine, she became a uniformed Cook County Sheriff in the divorce court and held the position until her mid-eighties.
She told you how she felt. There was no mystery! On one Mother’s Day, I gave her what I thought was a special gift, a Waterford heart-shaped paperweight. The following morning, at 7 a.m., it was returned with a note, “I am returning your gift. I don’t like hearts.” With a smile, I took it in stride because she loved me and I realized she was unfiltered. Darling, I did love her for her openness. I knew she loved me, too, and I appreciated her love for her son, my husband and Ultimate Concierge, Shelly. She taught him well.
I, too, am a Mother-in-Law
I am a mother-in-law to two women. My relationships with them differ. My husband’s son’s wife, Jami, and I love one another. We are kindred spirits. I have a different type of relationship with my other daughter-in-law. There is no friction. Just a respected distance. My relationship with each of them has taught me ways to be a good mother-in-law.
Being a great mother-in-law is easy if you follow my tips.
How To Be a Good Mother-In-Law
As a daughter-in-law to two women, and as a mother-in-law to two women, I have gleaned some wisdom along the way on how to be a good mother-in-law. Relationships can be difficult. I hope by applying these tips, you can strengthen your relationships with your adult children and specifically, your daughters-in-law.
In 99% of situations, do not make negative comments
Hold your tongue. In fact, bite your tongue, unless the situation is dire and you absolutely know you must speak up. My rule of thumb: Speak up out of good conscience and then shut up.
Get it in your head that you will never be her mother
Of course, your daughters-in-law will spend more time with their mothers. The way to equalize that situation: become best friends with their moms, darling. And be a delicious and delightful grandmother.
Have an open invitation rule
Birthdays, holidays, and all family occasions are a time of togetherness. If you are invited to an in-law’s home make every effort to attend. Bring a gift to the mother. And, extend yourself by opening your home for family events. Your daughters-in-law should welcome this because the “family that plays together, stays together” and your relationship will hopefully grow closer. Anytime my family wants to gather, I ensure it happens. I really don’t think I am being a PO (push-over), just a woman who loves her adult children, their spouses, and my grands.
Don’t be competitive, be collaborative
Women of all ages tend to compete. Never go there. You will lose.
Take a back seat
It is important to know your position in your family dynamics. My advice is: don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Be a visible and relevant woman and have a personal life and know your adult children and grandchildren have their own lives.
When needed, make sure you are on the scene
Prove your commitment to your daughter-in-law. Fly to her side. Open your heart to your son’s wife. Give her your emotional support. This is how you layer positive relationships. If unable to travel to her side, you can Skype, email, or text your daughter-in-law. Quality time matters. No excuses.
Accept Facts
Whether it’s mothers and daughters or daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law, there is never 100% compatibility. Accept that they are leading their own lives. I know no matter how conflicted you may be with a daughter, in 99% of cases, daughters will always love their mothers. There is the connection of an umbilical bond. You are her valuable teacher. With your daughters-in-law, it can be a love or hate relationship. I personally pin the responsibility on us. We are older, wiser, and truly have more to lose… like a son and our grandchildren. Enough said?
Do you have issues with your daughters-in-law or need advice on how to be a good mother-in-law? Write your thoughts and questions in the comments at the bottom of this page. I want to hear from you!
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When I was married for 3 years my Mom passed away in April. Mother’s Day is in May and since my husband was working all the time I went to buy a Mother’s Day card for my Mother in law. I stood in front of the cards holding my 1 year old son sobbing. I sent the card and that Monday she called me and said that she didn’t want a card from me, she wanted it from her son and that she was not my mother! She never got a card from me again!!
You were a good listener, Beth. Very respectful of your mother-in-laws wishes -:) I am say this tongue in cheek but with truth. I am sorry you lost your mother. You carry her values with you so she is with you. Warmly, Honey
That’s awful, my dil helps my Son with all of those things.
Even though my first mother-in-law was impossible, I kept my mouth closed. She did not affect my family life with my late husband. My second mother-in-law was not the kindest but if you understood her ways all went very well. We never had words. You are fortunate and I am happy for you. Warmly, Honey
I’m so sorry. How thoughtless of your mother-in-law, especially when you had lost your own mother and took it upon yourself in your grief to think of her! She should have been so gracious and appreciative and should’ve gone out of her way to build that bond with you, especially knowing you had lost your mother. Wow. I hope she has grown and changed. Don’t let that hurt your relationship with your husband.
We have always loved our daughter-in-law and everything she stands for as a parent. Since they have had a third child, our relationship has changed. She has become very critical of me(mother-in-law) and stops at nothing to belittle me and say hurtful things. She refuses to make their three children mind at our home. They were recently here over the holidays and their children broke many things in my house. We have a game room upstairs and that is where I asked the children to play but their mom made it known that she thought they should play all over the house. You can’t imagine the toys and items that are strewn everywhere through my house. She says things to me that are very disrespectful and she says them in front of the children making them know they do not have to follow my rules. I am at a loss as how to handle all of this. My heart hurts over this sudden change in our daughter in law and I have no clue what we have done to change the dynamics.
I am so sorry. Maybe she has postpartum emotional problems and is overwhelmed with a third child or there is a problem in her marriage and she is taking it out on you. I am saying this because of her personality change. Hopefully, in your loving manner and not attacking her actions she will talk to you or maybe you can speak to her mom. I hope this will help. Warmly, Honey
If you noticed a personality switch after an event: the third child is the time frame you noticed… it could be exhaustion, hormones, or, surprisingly, possibly marital stress: old or new. Exhaustion causes all sorts of things to leak out and not get dealt with, what once could be cute or taken in stride, is not so cute once enough stress is added. Lashing out at your home rules is what made me think of that possibility, as I have a very controlling spouse who didn’t want to share in home rule decisions.
Exhaustion and a controlling husband can be difficult to deal with. What is needed is more physical and emotional rest. Thinking and reasoning in a positive manner with others will be easier and more productive. Rest gives us this ability. Warmly, Honey
I’m a mother in law host, what can do during a bb shower even who be acceptable to conduct mi self.
Put a big smile on your face. Walk tall. Be interested in all your guests. You will shine!!! Let me know if it worked. Warmly, Honey
My son and daughter-in-law exclude at holidays and when the have a new baby. They don’t want us to be with the kids unless they can supervise us. They had their 3rd child recently and we, unlike my daughter-in-laws family, were not allowed to see the baby on the birth day. This is so bad that my daughter-in -laws mom actually told me that she thought it was terrible that her daughter and my son excluded us. They only see us when we initiate it.. I feel terrible and have no idea what to do. I have tried everything I can think of. I wish I lived 300 miles away from them it would be so much easier. My other son is getting married in September I have actually asked him not to exclude us! Unfortunately, I won’t see them much they live in 6 thousand miles away. I am so hurt.
I understand how you feel. My suggestion is to become as close as you can to your daughter-in-laws mother and never talk about her daughter to her. Do you know the reason why they are behaving this way? Is the other mother-in-law sincere when she tells you her daughter is acting out of line? Regardless, make nice with her. She seems at the moment to be the only one who may be able to help. Warmly, Honey
I am in a difficult situation. I have 2 daughter in laws. Both different issues. I want to be a good mother in law and always have. One son and his family live with us and just can’t seem to get on their own. If not us they live with her parents. My son and daughter in law are both just a like. Lazy and drinkers. They have four children who are teens are about to be. I have tried tough love and tried kicking them out but they won’t leave. Then I feel for my grandchildren. I try to set good examples for them and talk to them about their futures and education and working habits. My son and his wife feel they are good parents. Right now all I want is for the house to be clean on a daily basis. I have tried asking nicely and demanding neither work. She thinks it is fine to leave dishes over night and even til time for dinner again. I hate this!! I wake up and have to wash dishes before I can even cook breakfast for my husband and I. I have tried just doing ours but even so I still have to see this every day. They haven’t taught the kids to clean after themselves and have made the kids feel we have no right to ask them to do things. At this point I feel abused and trapped. They know the law here and I rent so I can not evict them and if they have mail in their name I can not make them leave. They know this. I try to get them to respect me but they don’t. My other daughter and my youngest son are mad at me for letting them stay here. I am not helping them by allowing this. They don’t believe they cannot be made to leave. At the same time what’s best for the kids. I know what that is, but I feel like I am in chains. I love them but have grown to feel numb to my son and his wife. I just want it to be normal. Then I have my other daughter in law. She is very controlling and keeps the kids and our son from us. I try to show her respect and just love her when I can. She just doesn’t want us in her life so we have to suffer.
Dear Virginia,
I have read and reread your email to me. I am on your side 100%.Your adult children are in control of your life. So disrespectful. This is my advise since. Seek help from a professional person or organization.If you cannot afford this there are groups and organizations out there to help you that do not charge an arm and a leg.Read my Monday blog. It will encourage you to move on this.You do not mention how your husband is dealing with this. I hope he is a partner to you. I will say this: tough love works.Warmly, Honey
I know this is late but I’m having trouble with my mother in law. I’ve been with my husband for 14 years and we had our first child together 9 months ago. My MIL has been badgering us for years to have children and as soon as we got pregnant she started to meddle 100%. She would always make an unwanted suggestion or criticize me but never to the point where it bothered me. The day we told her we were having a baby she started planning for the baby’s education and what college they’ll go to. She would refer to our baby as her’s and when I’d ask her to stop she’d laugh it off and keep doing it. She began making racial comments and started putting me down all the time. She even said i wasn’t good enough for her son because I came from a divorced family. Things got worse and worse and I don’t even talk to her now.
Send her my blog…’The Dos and Don’ts of being a good mother-in-law!Tell her I am a mother-in-law and have 27 grandchildren in a blended family. Tell her I told you to send it. If she is not careful, she won’t have grandchildren to see. She is a buddinsky ( I made up the word.) Question: where is your husband in this scene???? Is he supportive of you? Waiting to hear. Warmly, Honey
My mother in law is not actually really my “mother in law” because I’m not married to her son. We have been together 14 years, 9 of those years off and on and the past 5 years we’ve been patents to 2 children so he’s managed to stay in relationship with me raising our kids. His mother is interesting, she’s a mother to all boys (none who are married) she seems indifferent to wether or not they are with someone, definitely not the type of mother to get excited about her son’s meeting someone special, which I think is odd. On the surface, seems like everything was fine with us but I am or was a very sweet, kind, fun loving to be around. I wanted her to like me so I said “yes” to her more often then I said no, I probably never said no to her. We would attend every Holliday and event Exclusively with my partners family while for years missing out on my own family. She once asked my partner to bring baby boy over just a few weeks after he was born while my partner convinced me that I should have a break and they kept him away for over 8 hours and took him for his first bath without my knowing! She hovered over me the first time I went to change my baby boy’s diaper asking if I had diaper rash cream (I did by the way) she told me not to cry after my son had a sledding accident and broke his femur at just one and a half years old, um… Of course I cried! She’s gotten a little defensive when I’ve bought my son a couple outfits because she knows I’m a Stay at home mom and worries about us financially, or just feels sorry for her son that he has to provide solely on his income. She had never actually said this out loud but it’s very obvious due to multiple comments she as well as her husband have made. The first time she saw me after my son was born and we came home from the hospital, we went to visit her and she tells me a story about a mother who left and forgot her baby in a hot car and the baby died, she told me this story as if to warn me or as if she was already anticipating me doing something like that. You can imagine as a new mom and how vulnerable I already felt how this made me feel. She never seems to care about my comfort, she doesn’t think about what’s in mine or my children’s best interest, she doesn’t have my best interest at heart. One evening her son (my partner) was being emotionally and verbally abusive towards me in front of our two young children and his mother had been texting me asking if we were going to attend their Christmas party, out of desperation and fear I let her know that her son was really scaring the kids and I and that we’d probably have to leave for the night to get away from it. She text me back asking what was going on? I told her that he’s probably just stressed from the holidays, her repley to me was ” yeah so let’s not make it worse” ?? I felt her response was cold and rude. I know she loves her son unconditional but why can’t she show her love as well as respect for me? I’ve given her first birthdays with the kids, several outings, overnights with them, nice cards and gifts. I’ve pretty much let her and her husband be front and center in our lives for the past 5 years and I’m not even married to their son! There is a whole lot more she has said to me or done that was passive aggressive. She enables her son but then takes it out on me subtly even though I’m not the problem here. One day my partner was being a little rude to her over the phone and she text me after saying “he really hurt my feelings, I hope he doesn’t do that to you” at first I thought “oh how nice of her to care about how he treats me but then I realized that she was just being passive aggressive. My partner puts me down in front her by saying things like “see, I told you” or rolling his eyes at me when I tell him it’s time to go after several hours of being at their home and our kids are screaming and crying because they’re so tired and ready to leave, he says things to them to get a reaction and then makes me look bad in front of them at times. She and her husband have been rude about my kids having a bed time saying that I’m not allowing my partner “more time ” with them because of their early bedtime schedule which was 7:00 at the time and my son was just one years old! We did the same bedtime for my daughter at that age. My partner would get home around 4:00 pm he spent all afternoon/ evening with our son during that time so I don’t feel at all as well as he that he wasn’t getting enough time with his kids. It was a cut to me and very disrespectful of them to say that. My mother in law has come during or after my kids bedtime trying to get me to keep them up past their bedtime or Wake them up, even asking me to go out with the kids as late as 10:00 pm, this goes back to me saying that she doesn’t care about my comfort or has mine and my children’s best interest at heart. Anyway, before I write a novel and I’ve already left so many details out, since December I had chose to stop seeing her, Visiting her. We stopped visiting over birthdays and hollidays and I don’t keep in contact with her. I’ve let my partner know that he can plan visits with her and the kids but hollidays belong to us for a while now and he will need to plan a time before or after the hollidays to celebrate them. This may seem like I’m being unfair but adults are allowed to make the rules and spend their time as well as hollidays how they want, we are allowed to start new traditions and end old ones. This is my time as a mother and I’m not giving up all
My memories to her. I get this one time and I dont want to feel like I was put simply on this earth just to please her, I didn’t give her grandchildren I gave myself children, I became a mother and I deserve to have a good support system around me, people who cheer me on and bring out the best in me and don’t mistake my kindness for weakness like she did.
It appears she has been in a power play with you for years.Your comments to me about not seeing her since last December but allowing the kids to see her may have been what she wanted.I know you are much more comfortable with this situation but I don’t think you are at peace with this because your children see what is going on. You have come half circle and for your self and your children I think you should go full circle.You are a much stronger woman now and this is great and in your favor. I would invite her out for lunch and tell her point blank but respectfully that you don’t want your children to see this family divide and if she wants to see them and spend holidays with your family ( might you consider) then she will have to change her tune and act like a grandmother should. Which means showing her grandchildren that family is important, respecting you is important and showing respect for herself is important so her grandchildren grow up with good family values because what they are seeing is not proper. What do you think? Warmly, Honey
My mother in law thinks she can come over and control my kids and my husband says nothing even if she upsets me why does my husband not say anything
I will answer your problem this coming Thursday on https://www.honeygood.com in my Ask Honey Advice Column. Happy New Year. Warmly, Honey
I am confused about my MIL. I love her but she can be “too much” help. My husband is an only child and apparently Me. Brilliant can do no wrong in her eyes. (We both roll our eyes at some of her remarks.) She is always helpful and loves us both but lately she has been involving herself too much. It is mostly the bombardment of communication that I feel that is driving me crazy. Constant text messages about things you can do to help I think she can make sending me pictures of happy times when I’m not feeling well just tons and tons of text messages and phone calls. I finally told her that if I need help I will ask specifically for help about something and that mostly I just need quiet. And she started texting me over and over again articles that can help with anxiety or more pictures of happy times or novels about how she loves me and she’s concerned that I’m having anxiety. I want to yell at her that she is the cause of my anxiety! I’m currently on bed rest before pregnancy. She is well meaning but it gets to be too much sometimes. Like she’s trying to let everyone know how wonderful she is and everything that she can do. She also has to make me close. I understand the sentiment and that she just wants to do something nice for me but I don’t want handmade clothes. I don’t really like the things that she wants to do for me here wants to buy for me and I end up with so much stuff. I tried talking to my husband about them bombardment and he keeps telling me to let her do it and then we can get rid of stuff later. But I feel like if I don’t say anything it’s eventually going to come to a head at some point or I’m going to hurt your feelings. I don’t understand if this is someone being overly nice or if it’s somehow manipulative? Is constantly bringing things over for my children or buying us things we do not need or want (expensive junk). I feel like the way that she shows her affection is by giving us stuff. But I also don’t want to fall into a trap of owing her because she’s given us so many things or she does so many things for us.
She is very social and very active in government and community. She knows everyone she knows everything that’s going on she makes it a point to be involved with everything. I am more of an introvert and quiet and pensive. Is it me just uncomfortable with this Behavior or is there something else going on? Sometimes I feel like she’s overcompensating. But then I turn around and see that she really enjoys being the center of everything and having so much attention. She’s been nothing but nice to me. And I am very lucky to have her. But sometimes I just want to say let me breathe leave me alone!
She has been in my life for 15 years.
Hi M, I answered your question on what to do with your mother in law on ASK HONEY. It will be up tomorrow for you to read. Let me know what you think. Warmly, Honey
I have a narcissistic mother in law. This October is going to be 23 years marriage. We decided to have our son late in our 40th. In my thirties we lived with her for 3 years then moved to our 1st tini apartment. We were excited and happy but never in a rush to have kids yet. She pushed the issue many years. Then we were short on cash and convince my husband to moved back. We did I was disappointed and sad, but I took advantage to finish college while living under her home. I had also two sisters in law that fallow their mother’s steps. The oldest Lex expected money from my husband here and there. Saying “Mom says to give me $20.” The youngest one Andrea expected us to take her to vacations with us every year or occasion. The same expectation because MIL said so. I became the cleaning lady and cooking lady in the house. I learn fast the rules of this dysfunctional home. During this time my brother in law had his 1st 2 children and definitely shoved them in our faces. Once I went in Halloween out with them and while going home to home for candy they left me behind.
I keep my head into books thanks god we moved to our 1st bought apartment live there 2 years and family expectancies and bullies us was still undeniable. We decided to sell the apartment. We rented for a year near my MIL house and my husband at this point he was extremely exhausted took one year off. Out off desperation I applied for my husband to a job in Hawaii and he was called with in a week. He left first and then I left after one week.
We live there for 7 and 1/2 years. MIl came to visit almost every year and pushed her agenda many times. She visit once when I requested that year was not possible after loosing my dad. She came with brother in law and wife and kids any way.
In 2012 we move back to California but 7 hours from her to San Francisco.
She still meddles and after she makes a phone call to my husband and leave him with all her problems he drinks more than usual. I call my husband mamoncito. She made her home a living hell and try to makes ours too. She preaches but dos not practice. Honestly we do better when she is busy and doesn’t call. I felt once I was dealing with the devil himself. I know the outcome if I complain and now that we have our 1st and only boy I will defend him with my life. She likes to used people and resources. I don’t really talk to her. I haven’t since 2013 after my son’s Birthday. She doesn’t deserve my husband or my son. Family from hell.
Time out. Thank you for listening.
You mention 2013 as the year you last spoke to her. I assume she is out of your life? I am a little confused. It seems to me you tried for years to please her. You have paid your dues. Live in the present. It is a gift. You cannot change what was. It is over. If I missunderstood and she is still in your life, you are a grown woman.Set your ground rules with zero fear. Let her know her actions will NOT be tolerated and if she wants to be part of your life with her son and grandson, she will dance to your drummer because you will no longer tolerate her disrespect and abuse. Say it nicely. Warmly, Honey
I sent a message awhile ago do you know how long before there will be a replay?
Do you want to read it again? I will tell my Content Mgr to replay it. Warmly, Honey
Yes Please.
Appreciate this so much.
You are so welcome. Glad I could help. Warmly, Honey
Hi Honey,
I love my MIL and I know that what she loves most in this world is family. I’ve known my husband since we were 14 and 15 respectively and have known her about as long. We were always close friends but ended up getting together when I split from my ex and my older son was 2 1/2.
Her and I were close, I was going through emotional stuff and she is very empathetic and really helped me have someone to talk to. Then I got better and I realized how much of the advice she gave me in regards to her son was what she wanted not what he wanted or what was best for him.
She has this blind spot. My husband has aspergers and she doesn’t get him or see him – he acts like a different person around her to please her. She wants everyone that is in her tribe to be like her. Once we got engaged subtle changes happened where she wanted me to be more like her. We had these huge fights (my husband and I) because we both wanted to elope and he felt he couldn’t because of her. He had to propose to me differently (he proposed at home without a ring) so he could tell her first and we could have a story she could tell people. We all do it. Her other kids as well. Craft a different personality and narrative to make her happy.
I don’t do this for anyone. I was taught to value genuineness. I told her once when she apologized for being upset that if she didn’t let us see her being vulnerable we would never feel comfortable being vulnerable with her. I love her and I know she is struggling (her other three kids moved away). But I find myself being cold to her because I am not good at being fake. I have ADHD and my husband has aspergers and with neurodiversity it is important to not feel like who you are has to be hidden. We both suffered with depression for years and are much healthier now. She is unintentionally triggering.
I had my second child a few months before the lockdown. Her first biological grandchild. She now tries to treat my older son equally but I can’t forget how she made a huge deal of picking a grandmother name for the new baby in front of him. The lockdown made it she didn’t see her first biological grandchild much during his baby year. The thing is – because of the nature of our relationship she isn’t going to see him as much as she expects anyway. She does all the right things on paper its just so clear that she is disappointed.
I want to set up a rotating schedule where we see each of the three sets of grandparents(there are four but one lives in another state) on a semi regular basis. I am setting it up on a six week rotation because we have other demands too and my husband is an extreme introvert so these occasions cause him exhaustion and stress. I know this won’t be enough for her.
She has this expectation of what life would be like with grandkids and her adult children and frankly she doesn’t see us. I’m more like your second MIL – I love but I am sharp and very genuine and straightforward. Being myself hurts her feelings so I am constantly performing around her and it comes across as cold. My husband has social anxiety, hates talking about people and emotions, and hates get togethers- so he is always over-extending himself with her and comes home a mess. He even worries that our baby might be in a bad mood around her and hurt her feelings. I told him last night it is not the job of children to fill their parents need to be loved. I don’t want that for my boys.
Sorry I went on so long. I’m just at an impasse. I know that as time goes I am made into the villain (in indirect passive aggressive ways). The efforts she makes are so wrong for me that they drive a wedge even further. For instance- direct emotional sentiment makes me uncomfortable because I am neuro divergent and my response may not be what they want. She gives me these sentimental cards and stands by me as I read them looking to my face for a reaction. If you know asperger’s at all – it makes sense why my husband gets triggered. She’s known me for years and she still doesn’t try to see me. She makes no effort to understand my husband. The very things that make us soul mates are what make me a “bad daughter in-law.” The only thing I know to do is to protect my immediate family with boundaries and that leaves her feeling left out and alone. Do you have any advice?
Sorry I am getting back to you so late. I do apologize. The ‘second to none great word you used in your comment was ‘boundaries.’ People don’t change. Decisions do and you made a good one. It has to come from a positivity, not negativity. Perhaps, you explain it this way, ‘we will all look forward to our special time together.’ Short and sweet. But, you have to honor it. Let me know what you think. Warmly, Honey
Hello I would like advise. My daughter in law always gets upset if I try to do something for my son one good example is this coming Father’s Day my daughters and daughter in law wanted to Olán a get together to celebrate my husband and my son I wanted to be included so when my daughter I law mentioned the plans for Father’s Day I said I would like to participate and help out with anything since it iOS for my husband and my son. She bécame furious and start telling me my son is a mamas boy that he needs to cut the umbilical cord, then started arguing with my son. He had no idea why was his wife was upset. Please give me an advise I didn’t want to create problems between my son and his wife. She seems to get jealous if I do or say something about my son.
I think you are probably correct that she is jealous of the relationship you have with your son.Knowing that is part of winning the battles. With a jealous daughter in law you have to tread lightly so before you act you are going to have to think twice before you act.” The girls were planning the celebration so knowing what you have surmised about her feelings, I think I would have told the girls, “Thank you. I am so excited to attend the celebration.” I don’t know the dynamics of the relationship between you and your son and you and your daughter in law and I don’t know if you have had calm conversations with her about the problems or just yelling conversations. If it were me, I would invite her for a coffee or lunch at a public place and let her talk first by telling her you understand she is upset with you and you are here to calm the waters because you don’t want her to be upset. Leave your son out of the conversation. And, then ask her what type of relationship she would like to have with you. Even if you have to bite your tongue, validate her feelings and listen hard. Remember, her feelings are HER feelings. Tell her you respect her feelings and kindly ask her the type of relationship she would like to have with you.If you can act motherly, she may tell you and then…you will know in the future how to handle her for your sake, your sons and her. Warmly, Honey
I’m at a brick wall… not sure why things have changed so dramatically with my daughter in law. I have always tried to do as instructed in caring for them. Now they are getting older and I feel, although I have limited occasions to have time with them, i am being out at a distant without it seeming like something is wrong. They are busy no doubt – but when not still the answer is no when asking to visit. Help – I love my granddaughters
Brick walls are hard to crumble. So, concentrate on your granddaughters. Send them I love you sentimental presents with meaning, good reading material, a journal to keep a diary. Of course I do not know their age so choose accordingly. Send birthday cards, valentine, Halloween, Christmas cards, etc. Invite them to stay with you. Go around the brick wall in a kind way. And, never talk about their mother. And, remember: families have their lives and there may be nothing wrong, except thoughtlessness. I am sorry for your sadness. You are not alone. Warmly, Honey
I have two beautiful DIL, and I would do anything for them. I am extremely generous with them. I buy their kids clothing, pay for swimming lessons and always indulge my DIL when it is their birthdays. I thought we had a great relationship. But recently I came across some hurtful gossip that the two had been doing between them, and some of their comments about me just about broke me into a million pieces. I am now finding it hard to love them unconditionally, and have almost stopped conversation with them in fear of being gossiped about and attacked. I am sure my sons do not know this is going on, but I know the DIL think their mothers are without fault, but find fault in everything I do. Interestingly they still take my gifts and are happy for me to pay for larger ticket items for them. I am a little, no….I am a lot heartbroken as I never thought for one minute my DIL would do this. I have never interfered in either their marriages or the raising of their children, but have always been ready and able to be there for them when needed.
Remember: you are not their mom. You are the woman their husband’s loves, their mother. Often times their is rivalry especially when you are a good mother in law. My advice: keep up being the ‘good’ mother in law because that is who you are and take the high road. Don’t become what you are not. Warmly, Honey
How do you deal with a mother in-law who is not staying on her lane I’m the mother of the bride my stuff and she wanting to go pick the dress is that not out of line of her. She proclaimed that she never had a fat therefor thinks it’s ok to go dress shopping with her a song with an ain’t of my daughter who also never had a daughter
It’s updating for me a so feel replaced bc I may not have a lot of minty and don’t want to compete with them
So sad I’m hurt and torn and wished they would nit get in the way of my daughter mad I picking the wedding dress and planning the events
Heart is broken by the this mother in law over stepping her boundaries
The mother -in- law IS overstepping her boundaries.She is wrong. It is up to your daughter to politely thank her and then tell her “My mom and I are shopping for my wedding dress. This puts your daughter in the driver seat and lets the future mother in law know that her mom comes first! Let me know what happens. Warmly, Honey
I meant in the comment about this mother in-law calm bc she never had a daughter is why she wants to help palm every thing
She is wrong. You are right. Mothers and daughters shop for a wedding dress. She can do something else to be involved. Warmly, Honey
I became a mother in law 11 months ago. The wedding planning was amazing . I was included in everything. As much as I could do I was allowed to do. From dress shopping, addressing invites, food tasting. You name it. Then wedding day came and I was pushed aside because momma finally wanted to be a part of the day. The whole day was ruined and I was walking on eggshells ever since the I dos . We have had some amazing times during the short time they have been together. They dated 11.5 months, he proposed, married 10 months later and three weeks after that became pregnant.
Right away was decided she didn’t want to work after baby. She set everything in motion to get her way.
While she pregnant, I lost my mother. Oh so so hard. Went through a major depression. Stayed to myself. Never a meal was made not a flower sent. Nothing ! Was there when needed through pregnancy.
Cleaned for them, groceries, cooked, dog sat, planned a shower, spent an exorbitant amount of money on them to get what was needed.
Now that baby is here. I have been allowed very little visits. Like 30 minutes at a time and times have to be approved.
Not once have they been at my house with the baby. I feel like she won’t get to know us.
They take her to her parents and do things with her parents.
I have talked to our son who says this isn’t your life it’s ours.
This is just crazy because we had the best relationship ever ever till recently.
I had a horrible mother in law and I am trying so so hard not to be that. I don’t want to interrupt their lives . I don’t want to keep score. But I also don’t want to get walked all over.
Become friendly with her mother, if you like her. But, only if you can be authentic. You have done so much for them she may feel threatened by how capable you are. Remember, it is their life to do as they wish. Maybe you are doing too much for them? Positive communication is key. Your son gave you a hint,”This is not your life, it is ours..” It was a good relationship at one time, it can be good again. Be a smart mothering law. Warmly, Honey
I have Daughter in Law problems. I have not been perfect, maybe self absorbed. However I don’t think I deserve her eye rolling and her not so sly evaluation of my mental health. She has influenced our son to check on my mental health as well.
It’s so difficult to be around her. I do my best to ignor her disrespectful behavior. As a result, I get depressed and have bouts of anxiety that are difficult to conceal.
We live near them. I wish we didn’t. I love our 4 grandchildren and don’t want to loose touch with them.
What is your recommendation?
Somehow you are going to have to try and accept what you cannot change. You cannot change another persona but you can invite your grandchildren to YOUR home. And, you can invite your son out for lunch to catch up on things ( please don’t bring up his wife or any problem with his family) Only positive things are discussed at lunch. How is he? What is new in his life? No complaining or it will be the last time he will lunch with you. Also, you can take your grandchildren on a trip. Hope I helped. Now it is up to you. Warmly, Honey
So glad I found this site. I am not sure where to begin. I have 2 DIL. The first one we’ve gotten to know over several years. She & my #1 son met in school, dated about 3 years, got engaged, got married, moved in with us and had our first grandchild. (He is now 3) My second DIL came along a bit differently. My #2 had just graduated high school when they met in 2017 AFTER experiencing a traumatic event… while on vacation our home was broken into, robbed & burned & his car was stolen then burned as well. We all were traumatized more than I think we realized for a good year after. He met her at work as a result of this because he was supposed to pick up a shift for her but in the aftermath of fire he couldn’t. And she got mad till she discovered why. So their relationship began. We bent some rules but would NOT allow them to just shack up together as he was 18 almost 19 & they weren’t married. So she stayed over night off & on Sleeping on the couch. But apparently it was not enough for her or him. So he moved out & in with her & her mom. They got engaged. Planned a big wedding. We were barely included. I said nothing. We were not asked/consulted about anything. I said nothing. Even the “getting ready” at the wedding I was excluded & actually had to get dressed alone in the guys area.I said nothing. I was given a wrist “corsage”made on the fly I feel as an after thought because it wasn’t even considered in the flower prep. I said nothing. We had to sit way down the table I did say something here but was told no by the sister…”the bridesmaids & groomsmen & grandparents, sister & mom. Y’all can sit at that table” Pointing at a completely different table. But we sat at THE table anyway! So it began. I keep hearing how my DIL does not like our family & that her family does not like our family. I have no idea why or what to do about the situation. I want to have a good relationship with her. I don’t want to cause a rift between him, us & her family. I just feel I can not relate to her. I also feel that she doesn’t even want to purely speculation on my part I know. But how does one even BEGAN a discussion like that with son or DIL. I do know that after the wedding my son did come to my/our defense about the way we were treated because he told me but I heard nothing directly from her. She will call or text me sometimes but only to express how she is upset by him and can I talk to him. Which I’ve never taken the bait with. I tell her they need to talk about it. That I don’t feel comfortable getting in the middle. Heeeeelp meeee!
You are right not to ever get into the middle.Good for you. I would let myself be vulnerable. I would invite her for coffee or out for lunch and kindly tell her you want to clear the air because you want to have a loving relationship with her. Ask her to please let you know what is upsetting her. Be a good listener. What ever it is it is her feelings so validate them. Then when it is your turn let her know you felt like an outsider at the wedding, it hurt your feelings but now you want to live in the present and be …a family. Hope this helps. Happy New Year. Warmly, Honey
I have been a good mother-in-law to my daughter-in-law. Made sure she was treated like my two daughters and never criticized her in public or private. She was cheating on my son when she married him and continued the affair after the marriage until caught. I stood by her even when her parents didn’t, yet she never includes me on things she does. She always invites her mom. She is still with my son and I played a large part in helping them work things out and helping outr son get over it. Hurts like heck that I always play second fiddle to her family yet they don’t support her, make fun of her and talk about her behind her back. She takes me for granted. What should I do.
Since she is an unappreciative girl, stop being taken for granted.Stop doing. Hopefully she will wake up and acquire a new quality in her value system called, gratitude. No arguing though.Stop making yourself available.
Help! Our daughter was married just last weekend. I found out 5 minutes before the end of the reception our daughter was forced to sign a prenup without our knowledge or her own counsel. Her sister told me. I confronted her new mother in law. I told her exactly why I thought of it and how dare she. She claimed ignorance of it. I’m miserable for doing this. We have since seen the document, she has waived all her rights for any alimony should this not work. I’ve apologized to both my daughter and her husband. Everyone is sick about it. I have not spoken with her MIL yet. What do I do????
Think twice before you talk once. I can understand why you are upset. You are 100% right. Your daughter should have discussed this with you before signing a document. You apologized for your outburst but you should not apologize for the way this was done. It seems underhanded to me. Time for you and your husband to sit down with a lawyer and find out about the document, ask his advice and then sit down with the parents and try to resolve the situation. What if he leaves? Does she get alimony? What if this happens when she has children and the marriage sours. Seek advice so you are educated before doing anything again. Warmly, Honey